Epic fail for me tonight. H called to talk about the timeshare thing mentioned above.
Last several days have been very busy with holidays, work, and my preparing to leave on a month long vacation out of the country. To say I have been stressed would be an understatement. Do to that, I've purposely have tried to be unavailable to H to discuss things like division of assets among other things. He corned me tonight under the notion that the conversation was to be about a joint bill. I tried to verbally communicate the timeshare stuff based on Wonka's suggestion above.... Well... I let him push my buttons, and next thing I know I am attacking him and wishing that I could retract that sentence the split second I said it! And all went down hill from there.
Like most, our biggest issue is communication. For me this past year it's been him not listening or his selective memory about what took place or was said in previous conversations..... I KNOW that this is a trigger area for me and have been trying to work on it. BUT tonight .... Well my restraint was non existent sadly. Wish I could take all the conversation tonight back
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Wonka, you asked me to elaborated on my withdraw from H in last post...
I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful professionally, back in 2009 I was laid off from a job that I had only taken 9 months prior ... Lay off was due to the down turn in the economy at the time. I took it hard that I wasn't working and contributing to the household income. At the same time H started traveling for his job. While I was supportive externally, internally I was resentful that I was stuck at home by myself as I was the one who was always traveling for work and loved it. Besides the job hunting, I didn't know what to do with myself, H was gone during week and all friends worked. I became lonely and spent a lot of time at gym working out and walking the dog... Basically felt worthless and dependent on him. Not a comfortable place for me. To top it off H rekindled his passion for snowboarding/skiing and spent his weekends doing that. (I have back/knee injuries that prevented me from joining him)... So he and I were not spending any time together.
I always swore that I would not become a nagging wife so I would never speak up about how I was feeling about both the job and H not being around to spend time with me. Instead I kept it in and grew resentful more and more ... Pulled away from him... He in turn picked up on that .... Withdrew from me... And we spiraled from there.
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
I am sorry to hear that your phone convo with H didn't go well. Was there some sort of resolution to the timeshare and hotel rewards situation?
I would recommend that you buy some listening and communication skills books. Here are some that I have bought personally and benefited from these authors.
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, PhD
The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols PhD
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
As for your comments about withdrawing from H, that can be a dangerous path as the connection is lost between you two. Right now, H is involved with OW so you really cannot be available to meet his emotional needs.
However, you can be polite and upbeat when talking with H. He needs to hear that you are strong, calm, and serene. That is attractive to nearly all people.
Were you able to read up a bit on the link to the validation techniques?
Don't worry about the phone dust-up. Just dust yourself off and pick yourself up. Keep plugging away.
