Wonka- Timeshare is in both our name and hotel rewards account tied to the timeshare was in his name since it wouldn't allow to names on the account. However that rewards account was tied to a joint email address. Regardless, here in California is all joint assets. We've been together since teenagers, everything we own has beed acquired together.
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
I suggest that you work with H on a mutual exchange where he opens up your access to the hotel rewards account. We encourage newbies to post draft emails here and we can support you with feedback so it is in line with KISS and STFU principles. It is not that you cannot do them yourself...it is a way for you to learn how to keep them short, concise, and without snarky comments. After a while, you will be able to do them yourself.
We see far too many times here in DB that the WAS write long responses that are not helpful and usually blows up things.
I wonder if that name, "DaneMom", means you are a Mother in Denmark? Cool! Or maybe you're the "Doggy Mom" of a Great Dane--or three? Just as cool, or maybe even cooler! -------------------------------------------------------------
Anyhow, sorry to find you here. I see you've been fortunate to have already been on the receiving end of some good advice from Wonka and 25yrs.
They have been around a long time and know of what they speak.
Anyhow---STFU is "Shut the F*#k Up" Said with a smile and a non-potty mouth.
STFU is metaphorically provided in liquid form; juice, or some "adult beverage" of your choice. Disclaimer: Alcohol consumption wreaks havoc on DBing skills! Indulge with caution and stay away from your H and your phone/computer!
It is suggested all Divorce Busters (DBs) carry a flask of STFU sauce on their person at all times. When you're tempted to open your mouth and insert your foot in a non-DBing manner, grab that flask and have a few swigs until the urge to speak has passed. Believe me, you're gonna need it! ----------------------------------------------------------
And CTHD (one I started, gotta get this one going!) is "Calm the He!! Down!" Usually a main ingredient in a bakery treat, in order to boost that serotonin and feeling of inner peace--like cookies, pie,or cake. ALWAYS keep a few CTHD cookies in your pocket. For those moments of crisis, stuff a cookie in your mouth and CTHD!
We here really frown on foul language, although it sometimes "sneaks" out. Therefore the acronyms. (Gotta wonder why the curse words don't come out a whole lot more, considering our situations! But I think all of us are over 21.) ------------------------------------------------------------
Keep on posting, your story is getting "interesting'... Sounds like you are up to the challenge, even if you don't believe it right now. Things will get better for you. They always do.
Hang in there,
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hi GoatGal, I am the 'mom' of a male Great Dane. I've had danes for the past 13 years of our marriage and also grew up with two. I recently lost my female two weeks ago (same day WAH served me with D papers... and he knew the significance of doing it that day).... could of used some CTHD cookies that day!
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Here is my draft at an email regarding the access issue mentioned above.....
WAH- I understand why you are asking me to update the timeshare login in order to do your own research. I am happy to do that assuming you could do the same for me with regards to the hotel rewards account. I ask that you not book or use this 'assets' without us jointly agreeing to it first as I would give you the same consideration with the hotel points.
How is that for KISS??? I really don't trust him and I know the reason he doesn't want to give me access to hotel rewards account is because he has most likely used some for a getaway or two with OW.... and he doesn't want me knowing his 'business' as he puts it.
I have questions about what I feel are conflicts with 180s for me and LRT.... will post later ... off to work...
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Let's dissect your first draft, okay? Good for you to try this out here. This is a good learning tool.
WAH- I understand why you are asking me to update the timeshare login in order to do your own research. [You don't understand nor pretend to. I'd suggest you drop this line.]I am happy to do that assuming you ["assuming you" is asking for fireworks because you essentially implied to H that he cannot be trusted to do the right thing]could do the same for me with regards to the hotel rewards account. I ask that you not book or use this 'assets' without us jointly agreeing [this comes off as controlling...you cannot control what H does or does not do]to it first as I would give you the same consideration with the hotel points.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You need to re-work it or start all over with a different response. You would want to reduce "I"s here. Maybe start with subject or noun. Using "I"s just weakens your position further. You will need to use the language from power.
Speaking of which, I'd highly recommend that women here buy this fabulous book:
How To Say It for Women: Communicating with Confidence and Power Using the Language of Success by Phyllis Mindell
Wonka thanks for the feedback. I am terrible at communicating effectively with him (hence one of a few major reasons I am in this position now). How about this?
....Granting you access to the timeshare account puts me in an uncomfortable position since you removed my access to the hotel rewards account. A good compromise so that we both have what we want/need would be for us to both grant the other access to these two accounts. Does this sound like a reasonable solution?.....
On another related note with regards to communicating, 180s, and LRT. One of H's biggest issues with me through the past 4+ years has been that I haven't been good about communicating with him. That I withdrew from him, didn't let him 'in'. My lack of opening up to him and eventual lack of sexual attraction (due to diminished emotional connection) is what hurt him the most. Though he has still not admitted it, I know that is why he is involved with OW in EA (or PA by now). She pursued him (from what friends have pointed out to me she's done this before) and is giving him what he was lacking from me. So if I am in LRT due to pending divorce, do I not attempt to work on that particular 180... my opening up and communicating freely with him? For me to detach, I find myself not wanting to communicate or be around him.
Also, me working on my GAL and detachment has meant lately that I am unavailable a lot of the time when he wants to discuss divorce stuff or visit the dog. The fact that I am busy and not available then leads to him accusing me of still controlling the timing of all our interactions even though I tell him I have plans. So I feel like no matter what I do, it doesn't matter where he is concerned. Like he is too far gone to R with me.... very discouraging ....
M: 43 H: 42 Married 19, Together 25; no kids EA/OW 1 January 2012 EA/OW 2 Sept 2013 DB: 10/2013 Separated 12/7/2013 Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
Your second draft is an improvement from the first one. Here are some suggested changes/edits.
Your Second Draft
Granting you access to the timeshare account puts me in an uncomfortable position since you removed my access to the hotel rewards account. A good compromise so that we both have what we want/need would be for us to both grant the other access to these two accounts. Does this sound like a reasonable solution? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you see that your opening paragraph is a "no" in so many words. This is what your H will hear when he sees the first paragraph and he'll say to himself, "There she goes again! Trying to control what I can or can't do! What a biotch!"
The last sentence leaves the implication that your H is/has being/been unreasonable. That will go down like a lead balloon. Right?
This is why we need to be careful of the words we choose to convey our meaning, intent and purpose.
Below is one that invites H to share the responsibility of making this work for the two of you without shutting him down. You are including him and yourself in this process. You are sharing the responsibility by the implication. See?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear H,
Thank you for communicating your request to access the booking site for our timeshare. We both each have our own individual desires to travel when planning trips. How can we sort out our own need to access the timeshare bookings and hotel rewards account? Here is a proposal that we both allow the other full access to these two accounts. What are your thoughts? What ideas do you have?
Is it okay if I shortened your name to just "Dane" for simplicity's sake?
I wanted to circle back here to address some of your other comments.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
On another related note with regards to communicating, 180s, and LRT. One of H's biggest issues with me through the past 4+ years has been that I haven't been good about communicating with him. That I withdrew from him, didn't let him 'in'. My lack of opening up to him and eventual lack of sexual attraction (due to diminished emotional connection) is what hurt him the most. Though he has still not admitted it, I know that is why he is involved with OW in EA (or PA by now). She pursued him (from what friends have pointed out to me she's done this before) and is giving him what he was lacking from me.
Maybe. Maybe not. You just don't know H's reasons. It is good to have some reflection on why your M broke down and own your part in the breakdown.
Can you please elaborate a bit on the reasons for your withdrawal from H? What transpired beforehand? What events/situations occurred prior to you shutting down? Moving? Grad school? Details please.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
So if I am in LRT due to pending divorce, do I not attempt to work on that particular 180... my opening up and communicating freely with him? For me to detach, I find myself not wanting to communicate or be around him.
LRT is one of the most misunderstood concepts in DBing. Put simply. It is used when EVERY OTHER method has been tried and all of them has failed. Then...THEN, only when the LBS is truly, totally, and sincerely prepared to walk away from the M and being totally okay with whatever outcome, one uses the LRT. The LRT is total and complete darkness along with dropping the rope completely.
Originally Posted By: DaneMom
Also, me working on my GAL and detachment has meant lately that I am unavailable a lot of the time when he wants to discuss divorce stuff or visit the dog. The fact that I am busy and not available then leads to him accusing me of still controlling the timing of all our interactions even though I tell him I have plans. So I feel like no matter what I do, it doesn't matter where he is concerned. Like he is too far gone to R with me.... very discouraging ....
There is an easy fix for this. Tell H that you do have plans, would love for him to visit the dog, and offer one or two alternative dates/times that you ARE available for the dog visit (insert activity) so that he sees that you are not 'avoiding' him at all costs.
could of used some CTHD cookies that day!