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A Message from Michele
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Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512430
12/01/14 02:49 AM
12/01/14 02:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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mindsin  Offline OP
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The A is over (I think)

W told me that he broke up with her, and in the end, she respected his decision. He wanted his family life back.

She cried really hard and it was difficult for me to find any sympathy. It was hurtful to know she was crying over another man.

She did reiterate that she still intends to file for D. She says she feels she needs to turn a chapter in her life, and the official end of our marriage will do that for her.

She also said that despite everything, she still feels like she wants to trust me, and chose to tell me first before any of her friends. I said that I will always be here to listen.

I also told her that one thing I can promise her is that I will never beg for her to come back to me. I told her that I am moving on with my life too, with or without her as my W.

Right now, she is downstairs, crying and sobbing. As much as I want to comfort her, I know that I should simply leave her alone and let her grieve on her own terms.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle my situation given this new development. My gut tells me I need to simply back off (more than ever).


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512439
12/01/14 03:22 AM
12/01/14 03:22 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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twinmom Offline
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Yes, back off. Sadly I had to go through the same thing. OW kicked my H out and he spent a good 3 months on my couch texting/sending you tube links/etc about how much he loves/misses her and how lonely he is without her.

Fast forward 2 months and he says he has no feelings for her anymore.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: twinmom] #2512513
12/01/14 02:36 PM
12/01/14 02:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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mindsin  Offline OP
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Thanks twinmom. I can't say that I'm confident in doing so (backing off). Something tells me that she's crying out for my emotional support.

I wanted to send her a message this morning, just asking if she's OK. I am hesitant in reaching out to her though.

I think I need to consult with my DB coach on this one.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512563
12/01/14 05:30 PM
12/01/14 05:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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mindsin  Offline OP
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Posts: 370
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
....

Your regrets pain me. Sorry buddy.


(((( )))))


25yearsmlc, you've followed my story since the beginning. If you are following my thread, I could really use some words of advice from you right about now.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512619
12/01/14 10:12 PM
12/01/14 10:12 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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Posts: 12,602
Leave her alone. Don't bring up the OM and give her space. This is actually a great sign. How else have your interactions been?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: MrBond] #2512687
12/02/14 03:05 AM
12/02/14 03:05 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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mindsin  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Our interactions have been very good since we had our heart-to-heart talk Saturday night. I feel less anxiety around her and it has allowed me to open up. I sense the same with her.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512810
12/02/14 04:02 PM
12/02/14 04:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
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mindsin  Offline OP
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Posts: 370
How do I respond to this???

W sent me an e-mail this morning:

Firstly, I want to thank you for listening to me on Sunday.
I've always said that I find it difficult to forgive you for your infidelities, but I can't imagine what [OMW] goes through seeing how determined [OM] was when he wanted to leave her. As I sat there on Sunday crying over my breakup, I know it was probably killing you to see me breaking down over another man. Thank you for being a good friend, standing by and listening to me. It means a lot actually.

Now that I've gathered my thoughts and emotions. I am ready to move on to the next step with our marriage.

I have always made it very clear my intentions. I know over and over, you keep saying, you will believe me once [OM] is out of the picture. I hope you now see my decision with us is not a result of meeting [OM]. Our marriage should have been dissolved long time ago, perhaps, never should have started. I want both of us to have the opportunity to have a new beginning, and find happiness again. If your happiness is to stay alone, continuously refining yourself, and focusing on the kids, that's great. For me, it is about focusing on the kids, my career, and rediscovering myself. There are a lot of things I want to try, but always felt I was prohibited to. I haven't thought everything through, I am taking it one day at a time, and one task at a time.

Despite all the disappointments, failure, anger I have towards our marriage, I have always loved our friendship. That was the basis to our beginning, and I hope for that reason, it is the basis how we will conclude our marriage. All the times where you were "absent" in our marriage, I am asking your help, pleading with you actually, to please work with me to make this as amicable as possible.

I have reviewed the divorce guidelines over the weekend when you were away. There are a lot of forms to fill out, timeline guidelines, etc. I think it would be good for us to sit down and go through it together. Since I am filing, you will be served by a State Marshall. Let's figure out how we can avoid this at your workplace.

If we can spend quality time to calmly talk over the procedures before starting the filing, that would be ideal. There is a lot we need to go through and agree on the outcome.

Lastly, despite of everything that's happened, I will always be grateful to you as the father to our two wonderful kids. They are very lucky to have a father like you. Thank you!


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512833
12/02/14 04:58 PM
12/02/14 04:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline
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I'm so sorry to read this. I'll let the veterans give advice. I just want to offer you moral support.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: mindsin] #2512852
12/02/14 05:42 PM
12/02/14 05:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 343
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Bunches Offline
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Hey Mindsin, I'm glad to hear the A is over but sorry to hear your W still focused on D. I'm not a vet but felt like I could weight in on this one because I've been doing this very same thing for the past couple months and at least think I've learned a couple things. I would not ignore that email. My response I think would be to ask when would be a good time and attend if convenient. I also have some thoughts below based on my experience with this.

First in my mind is, it doesn't help to refuse cooperation. Your W wants to press D and while you don't have to be the one to come up with a time to meet or help too much to move things a long, it doesn't help in my opinion to obviously drag your feet. Your W might feel you are trying to control her and it causes resentment. If you aren't available at certain times then don't go out of your way, but work it out like you would any business transaction or buying a house.

Second, keep your needs in mind at all times. In my weaker moments of the last year I've capitulated to things at times that I didn't want later and living with or taking back something you agreed to but didn't want will just irritate you regularly. Protect yourself in this at all times because its very hard to change what goes into the paperwork after its done.

Third, be calm during any discussions about D and try not to get drawn into R talk. My W has been very emotional the last month talking terms around S and visitation. She has said the most out of nowhere kind of things that caused me to jump into R talk which usually just gives her a reason to defend again. Its hard if not impossible to remain detached during these conversations but the more you can the stronger you will seem and more respected you will feel.

Just my 2 cents here. I hope its of some help. If she continues on the path you can't avoid D, but you can protect yourself in the outcome.

Last edited by Bunches; 12/02/14 05:44 PM.

M: 36 W: 31
Married 9 yrs.
T: 11 yrs.
Son 8 yrs. (w/ Autism)
Bomb Drop 10/22/13
Divorce final 6/15
Re: Mindsin - Part 7 (Dark times) [Re: Bunches] #2512865
12/02/14 06:10 PM
12/02/14 06:10 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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Posts: 628
no advice, but a practical point...

In most states, you can "accept service" of the D papers. That is, you (and your L) can tell your W (and her L) that you will "accept service" rather than being served by a sheriff/marshal. She saves the cost of paying for the marshal, and it's a little more civilized. She can hand you or mail you the papers, and you return a notarized form saying you received them, all of which gets filed with the court.

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