Believe me I am on board. Especially after these last two days.
My only issue at this point is taking too-aggressive actions that would no longer be DBing. When I got home earlier, there were a pile of dishes in the sink so I did a bunch of them, then went upstairs to change and type the above post. When I came down, she snapped at me "I didn't ask you to come home to wash the dishes and disappear upstairs for ten minutes." I didn't take the bait. Got the kids ready and went out for pizza. While out, she texted "I left. Don't worry, I'll just be sleeping. Don't forget the tooth fairy." (Oldest lost a tooth today) So OM can take care of her. I wish him luck.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
RAI: Thank you for checking in. It does help to hear someone seeing that I've made progress. I think what frustrated me more about this convo I had with her friend yesterday was her throwing all of this crap at me as if the last 4 months hadn't even happened. With time to reflect, I realize that it has nothing to do with my actual progress, but more with the fact that the "reasons" my W and her friend have for the split are not all that connected to reality. I am no longer going to have these kinds of conversations with her friend. They are horrible for me
As my IC put it, your W is case building. She is constructing a narrative that she can live with. Either way, you should not concern yourself with her narrative. Just work on yourself. I will echo some of the other DBers here and suggest that you don't say too much to the friend. I do not think she is a friend of the marriage. RAI
Thanks RAI. It can be difficult, as I think she sees herself as a friend to our marriage, and thinks she is being constructive with these comments. They often come when I am feeling low or vulnerable and looking for a reason why this is all happening. I am renewing my focus and keeping her out of it. It is a sticky mess though. The friend texted me three times yesterday. It's not as if I seek her out, she's just very entwined in our lives.
It honestly no longer feels like I am saving this marriage, but I am going to do my best to stick to the Db principles. They've served me well so far, and gotten me to a much better place. I'll continue detaching, supporting my kids, treating her cordially, and doing nothing that speeds S along (there's still not talk of D and there won't be - W clearly just wants our M to go dormant). At the end of this, it's her decision. I don't want her or anyon else to be able to point the finger at me for ending this.
I agree RAI that she is building a narrative. I think she's past reflecting on how we got here and now it's all about justifying what she does going forward. I have no ability to influence that. I know who I am and what I want from my life. I'm not even sure she's a part of that anymore.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I do still struggle with small things though. W left last night and hasn't come home yet. Last I saw her she looked terrible, and had mentioned maybe going to urgent care. I do want to know how she's doing. Do I text her to ask? I know it's not a major deal it's just difficult. I know she's gotten the message that I've detached. She's been sick for a week and the only thing I've done for her was make her tea once. It's just so weird, all of this, to think that some other guy is taking care of her right now. I am honestly relieved to be free of the burden but it's just so weird.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Of course, call her, text her, do something if you are concerned about her welfare. Especially, if it is serious enough that she may need emergency medical care. I hope all is well with her.
Well, I texted her to ask how she was feeling yesterday afternoon and she responded that she was still sick but "trying to come home". Later that night after kids were in bed I texted again, asking when she would be home, as I had plans to meet up with some people. Her response was "really? I'm still really sick. Can you cancel?" Ok then.
Hasnt come home yet today, so she's been gone for 36 hours. Starting to think the pregnancy is involved with this somehow but there's no way of knowing.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Thanks. She just came home. I told her I'm not coming to thanksgiving, and looking for something to do volunteer wise with the kids earlier in the day. She seemed unphased, and asked if it was ok if they go to her parents still. I said if course they should still go.
She looks like hell. Says she has influenza. That's the word she used, not "the flu". I'm skeptical but ultimately it does not matter.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Went to a movie with my two oldest this morning. Big Hero 6. They loved it, I cried. A little. A big subtext of the movie is how two different characters process their grief and boy did it hit home. Really great film.
W picked a fight in the morning before we left. Asked if she could take $20 from my wallet to go to the store with. I djed last night (a really great set) so I had cash. I was upstairs and merely said "uhhhhhh...OK". And my hesitation brought out her anger. Said she hated feeling "like a junky looking for smack money" whenever she had to ask me for money. I tried not to take the bait but I guess I'm a bit out of practice, as W and I have barely interacted for weeks now. I didn't let it get out of hand. Just told her that we have a lot of issues to resolve with money, but that I'm always more than happy to pay for groceries. Pointed out that I usually buy them. She just spewed for a little while. I know she's just putting her guilt on me.
After the movie we got home and W was getting ready to go to thanksgiving. I packed an overnight bag for the kids and got all their snow gear together. W appreciated this. She asked if I was sure I didn't want to come. I told her no, than added that "it's not that I don't want to come, it's that I feel it's not right to." We stood there. Then she said "I don't know what to say....it looks like you want to talk." I said, no I don't want to talk, and walked away.
They just left. I'm going to some friends I haven't seen in awhile. I'll have a great day. It's just too bad.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Well it's been awhile. I've wanted to journal my thoughts recently but it's been so busy, and I just feel indifferent. I ended up having a great time on thanksgiving, with a couple of friends and their huge extended family of people I didn't know at all. I've been enjoying taking more time far removed from my sitch, spending time with people who care for me, and don't understand at all why someone would do this to me, and just tell me I'm better off moving on. For now, that feels more and more like the preferred outcome, and more and more what I want. But every now and then I stop, and it still feels strange and sad.
I'm in a fairly tough money bind these days, and yesterday I asked my W to chip in to cover some bills. We still haven't come up with a formal agreement for who pays for what. She has no money at all, so had to ask her mom. She referred vaguely to spending a bunch of her last check on medications for being sick, which I'm tempted to think has something to do with her possible pregnancy. She said she was trying to figure out where all the money had gone. Her total foggyness and disorganization is just getting tiresome at this point.
Cleaning the bathroom yesterday, I did notice a tampon wrapper on top of the trashcan. But when I checked again last night, after she left for the night, there were no more. (Typically they are all over the place when she is on her period, I know this because I've always cleaned up after her). So not sure what to make of that. Feels like a mystery I will never solve, from a woman I might never understand or trust again.
