We must be in a parallel universe. I'm just as stunned by your W's response as you are. Yet, I shouldn't be since I've basically got the same reaction from my W to these kinds of efforts.
I think there is definately something to this tough guy vs nice guy thing. Nice guys aren't a challenge and are thus uninteresting and no longer attractive. My wife's libido turned off the second I put a ring on her finger. And I think the more I have pursued intimacy the less she was interested.
Another interesting thing about my W, I figured out early on in our marriage that backing down in an argument was the worst possible thing I could do. If I remained calm or if I backed down she would get more mad and escalate the argument. But if I got mad and let loose, the argument would at least end instead of escalate, even if it got heated before the end. Its like she would lose respect for me if I didn't get mad back at her and really argue.
Like you, I can't talk to my W anymore. I'll ramble half coherently here instead.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Its not true this nice guy vs tough guy thing. My H is a nice guy and thats why I love him and because I love him thats why I lust for him. So don't stop being nice.
About your arguments, I don't think your W loses respect for you if you don't argue back. I'm a bit like that in this respect. Whenever I'm in an argument, I have all these things on my mind that needs to get out and I can't let go of them until its all trashed out. This is very unhealthy of course. My H often backs down from an argument but I do not lose respect for him. In fact I respect him more for being more in control of himself than me but like your W I cannot let go until he argues back and then I feel worse afterwards. Oh well, sometimes people are too emotional for their own good. LH
Quoting luvhubby:WNC, Women are insecure too. Any free advice on how not to turn H off with insecurity? LH
My advice here is probably no good. I have a difficult time understanding how a low-libido man thinks. Feeling secure, though, comes from knowing who you are and being comfortable with yourself. Everyone is unique, with their own special abilities, talents, and interests. When you know that you don't need your partner to feel good about yourself, that gives you security and comfort. Your partner hopefully makes you feel more complete and happy, building on your self-assurance but not creating it.
But I have no idea if being secure and confident will be attractive to your husband or not. Some men are very turned on by that, others might not be. Regardless, everyone deserves to feel good about themselves.
I get the feeling anyway that you probably do have a good self image and self esteem, at least what I can tell from your postings here. My suggestion is to tell him in your most sultry voice "Help me out of these clothes, I'm really hot". See where that leads...
Quoting WhyNotCheat: My suggestion is to tell him in your most sultry voice "Help me out of these clothes, I'm really hot". See where that leads...
Thanks for your suggestion. I am afraid it wouldn't work though. H's drive is simply not there. Anytime I mention the lack of intimacy it just stresses him more. I am afraid to try anything and now even afraid to say anything. Otherwise we are happy. The only times we are not is when I mention our SSM state. H is always too tired and has asked me to wait till he has more energy for me. Well, I have waited patiently for weeks, months, more than 1 1/2 years now and it appears to me that it will take much longer. H never has time for intimacy with me anymore, its totally zero, not even once a week or once a month, not even during weekends or on the days when he is on leave because he doesn't make time. His way of relaxing after work is to have a smoke, play a PC game or watch some TV. I used to nag at him because I couldn't understand why he had time for those but not for me and I deeply resented it. However, I realise that that is just very negative behaviour on my part so I went and got us a new PC game and am currently taking turns playing it together with H. We are now having a fun time discussing strategies etc. It hasn't helped my intimate time but at least I have managed to turn my resentment into an opportunity to spend more time together with H. Apart from this, all I can do is continue to be patient, hope and try to remove other stresses from H's life and that includes not being a nag so that he'd come back to a warm and cosy home. H is sweet and helps me a lot with housework etc so I'm also trying to do more although I'm tired and hopefully that will give him more time to catch up with sleep etc leading to more time for me?
By the way, I noticed that you have put a stop to your A and I say Good For You, Keep It Up. These things do eventually catch up with you you know. Before we were married, H cheated on me and I found out about it when a very emotional OW came to my home when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. Although it still hurts and angers me whenever I think about it, it was a real eye opener to me. Its made me realise that if I don't take care of my man he will just turn elsewhere to get his needs fulfilled, whether it may be sex, intelligent conversation, someone to listen to him or pamper him or whatever it may be.
Quoting luvhubby:Although it still hurts and angers me whenever I think about it, it was a real eye opener to me. Its made me realise that if I don't take care of my man he will just turn elsewhere to get his needs fulfilled, whether it may be sex, intelligent conversation, someone to listen to him or pamper him or whatever it may be.
My situation is a lot different than yours, our kids are growing up and we've been together almost half of our lives. I try to imagine how I might feel if I discovered my wife having an affair. I'm not sure I would feel any kind of pain or anger. I think I would congratulate the guy on finally figuring out what sparks her flame.
She does have a close male friend (whom I also consider a friend) and I can honestly and unequivocably say I don't feel the tiniest bit of jealousy when they spend time together. I've never suspected the least amount of physical contact. They are simply good friends, and if he provides some things I don't give her, that's great.
Having friends, especially mutual friends, can really add to the relationship. We can't always be all things to our spouses. Hopefully we are the most important thing.
One more thing... although I did cheat, it was not simply because my wife didn't fulfill my sexual needs. It was because after years and years of work and effort to find a solution, I felt I had come to a dead end. Finally I threw my hands up and said "Why Not?". So hopefully it's not as simple as -- "my spouse doesn't give me XYZ, so I will get that somewhere else".
By the way, things have definitely been getting better at home, and it's been these messages with people like you that have been so helpful. Thanks for your support!
Quoting WhyNotCheat:I try to imagine how I might feel if I discovered my wife having an affair. I'm not sure I would feel any kind of pain or anger. I think I would congratulate the guy on finally figuring out what sparks her flame.
One more thing... although I did cheat, it was not simply because my wife didn't fulfill my sexual needs. It was because after years and years of work and effort to find a solution, I felt I had come to a dead end. Finally I threw my hands up and said "Why Not?". So hopefully it's not as simple as -- "my spouse doesn't give me XYZ, so I will get that somewhere else".
Forgive me if I am wrong WNC, but I get the feeling from reading your posts that you have hardened yourself from years of neglect of certain of your XYZ needs. I think it is as simple as that. Many of those who's sexual needs are not being fulfilled will tell you its not about technique or perhaps not even frequency. It is a fulfillment of a most basic emotional need to feel loved, wanted etc. Therefore if the spouse is willing I think most would be happy with less frequency. It is the unwillingness that gets to most of us.
You sound like you are living my life. My wife lost all interest in physical intimacy about 2 weeks after we got married. That was nearly a year ago.
I have tried everything to allow my wife's sex drive to start up. Therapy, physical, doctors, hormone therapy, sex therapy, blah, blah, blah.
She makes it a point to tell me that before we got married that she had plenty of sex but now she just has no drive. What are you gonna do?? I've left the subject alone and forced myself not to think about it for months. We have been in therapy since we got married about this. Nothing seems to matter.
She doen't even see this as a problem. She says sex just is not important to her anymore. She says that the only reason she will work on this is for me...because it is important to me. At the same time she is saying she will work on it...she does nothing. If I bring it up she gets upset and defensive. No matter how kindly and non-confrontationally I broach the subject it always ends the same. I'll try for you but nothing ever changes.
It has been a year now and we are no closer to a healthy sex life than we have ever been. If your wife is like mine she probably has a great sex drive when she is intoxicated.
Just remember one thing....
You could be the best looking, most secure, most confident, smartest, funniest guy in the world but it doesn't mean a damn thing to your wife's lack of interest if SHE is not willing to do the work to change it. It probably has nothing to do with you. If it does, then she should have communicated it to you long before it got to this point. That is not your fault.
