An Argument ISN'T Just A Contradiction

[job]

Heather,
I'm glad you didn't get offended by my postings last night. I was very annoyed, not angry, at the disrespectful way that you daughter had treated you. However, I do think you've set some boundaries and I hope that you will not allow the boundaries to go by the wayside. She's old enough to know better and unfortunately, when she's out of control w/her temper, her mouth goes a mile a minute and she does whatever she can to prove her point. This, unfortunately, is a sign that she needs to take some anger management classes. Her anger gets in the way of thinking rationally and let's face it, she most likely knew how your father would react, but she didn't care at that time. Now, that she's cooled down and you've approached her, again, she's acting like she didn't know this or that. Time for your daughter to take control of that anger and put it to good use.

I think you are handling this current situation in a better frame of mind. Tough love doesn't mean you are throwing her to wolves, but you are making her more aware of what an adult is and facing the consequences of her actions. She's going to learn to be responsible and accountable for HER actions and financial debt. She can't do this if you continue to bail her out and make excuses for her.

As for work today, I do hope that things will be okay and you can focus on your work. I know you'll do a great job because writing, etc., is an outlet for you and hopefully keep your mind on other things.

Now, about your father, I would call him and have a heart to heart w/him. Layout everything and don't hold anything back as to what you've struggled w/over the last couple of years. I would be as honest as I can be and go from there. Honesty will set you free.

Take care.

[beatrice]

Heather - that is great advice from Job. Hang in there. You are doing such a lot to turn your life around.

[LoisB]

No, I'm not offended Job. :-)

Thank you all so much for being there for me and seeing strength when I feel so weak.

I held my ground yesterday.

D20 was digging for an apology from me...all over the place...didn't get one. I got one.

Climbing out from under years of being a victim in this world requires some Herculean strength. Good thing I'm so tough. :-)

I have a feeling that all these Hard Knocks right now come from a shifting dynamic within me. I'm hooked on this awesome show right now (Rehab Addict) about this woman who flips old houses. On my current episode, she is lifting an old house and building a new foundation. It's messy and there's lots of surprises...some really unpleasant after years of neglect. Sound familiar?

I'm rehabbing myself.

[LoisB]

Newspaper is done.

Faced some serious internal communication/organizational issues with this issue. I see how I have the choice of being Ol' Heather and taking other people's craapppp OR leading and managing as I was hired to do.

I see myself at a fork in the road. Yesterday, at work, I could see how easily I could CHOOSE to remain the victim and take on other people's issues/problems and then be the fall guy.

THAT AIN'T HAPPENIN.

We have some management issues here that aren't of my making. I plan on putting myself in a good position here. It will happen.

Haven't spoken to my dad yet. In some ways, this was a huge gift to me. I'm facing some things with my dad that I've needed to face. For some reason, I have this pattern in my life where the people I love are somehow given permission, by me, to make these life-altering mistakes...but, when I make a mistake or do something against my value system...I beat myself up and set myself on fire at the stake like Joan of Arc.

I feel the pain of other people's mistakes. I make these mistakes, lies, issues...mine. I'm human. And, that's ok. I've done the best I could.

[Atsbaby]

Heather,

I'm glad things are going well for you and the girls. I like that you have made your changes and are sticking to them, especially being the "victim" and now not putting up with others mistakes!

I hope you are able to make that strong impression at work and change those people/issues that need fixing.

[LoisB]

Had a meeting with my editor this morning. It was a rough one. The other editor is not a fan of mine. The perfectionist editor is not a fan.

The editor I met with said some nice things and told me that the two of us are strong. He said some other nice things, but my self-esteem is a bit weak right now and I heard all the negatives. It cut to the bone.

I couldn't even really defend myself because I couldn't think clearly enough.

Then, D12 and I were preparing to go back to my office and I spilled a full cup of coffee on us both. It landed on one of her favorite t-shirts. I was soaked.

So, we had to drive home.

D12 is really struggling. She hasn't been able to sleep. I think she is deeply grieving are old house and life.

Then, while I was meeting with my editor, D20 took the opportunity to put some pressure on D12 about joining a sport and how much schoolwork she is doing...

I need to reclaim my life here. Things seems to be spinning outta control.

[LoisB]

I think I'm having another panic attack.

[job]

You knew that one of the editors was a perfectionist several weeks ago...but I'm going to put this out here for you....no matter what you do, that particular editor will not be happy. Why? Because this person devotes all of their time to trying to be perfect. You could lay golden eggs and hand them out to everyone and this person still wouldn't be happy. Psst...nothing is perfect in this world, so don't let this person get to you.

As long as one of the editor's is happy w/you and your work...don't sweat it. He is very much aware of the situation and knows that you are still learning the ropes and this other person has been there a while. I would lay down my last dollar and state that when this perfectionist editor was around, people where happy because this person was constantly on them about this and that. Heather, no one is perfect except the man upstairs and that's why pencils have erasers...we all make mistakes, whether this person wants to admit it or not.

As for the coffee spill, I'm sorry it happen. You've got a lot on your mind and the meeting took you back a couple of steps...but you are doing fine...don't let one person get you down.

I'm not surprised to hear that D12 is struggling because it's been a huge adjustment for her. She's in a new place, needs to make some new friends and will need to get involved in some outside activities.

When D20 become your D12's supervisor/mother? Your oldest daughter needs to look at herself and determine what her own goals are. She needs to own her side of the street and stop pressuring your youngest daughter. Speak up and tell her to focus on her on issues and do what is necessary to take care of herself. You've got your youngest daughter's back.

Learn to speak up and allow others to hear how you feel. Don't bottle this stuff up.

[Matt165]

I'm with Job here, Heather, don't sweat it.
I will bet that the editor you are friendly with is so happy that he has you around to help keep Mr. Perfection in his place! I know it's hard when you hear someone say anything "negative" at all when you are in a new job but it sounds like the positives out paced the negatives by a large margin.

Your self esteem took a hit when Smokey bombed you. I can relate to that in a big way. Just be aware of this and remind yourself that for a while at least, you will be sensitive to any apparent criticism. Know that it will hit you hard at first but remember it's up to you how you react to your emotions. In time you will start to have less and less reaction until you are able to no longer let it affect you. Until then know that you are probably over reacting.

As for D12, she will take time to adjust. It wasn't your idea to upend her life, that's on Smokey. You are doing such a great job making the best of a bad sitch that she would be going through whether you moved or not. Her old life, like yours and D20's ended the day their father walked out. You couldn't stop that. All you can do is try and make their new life the very best it can be and IMO are doing a great job so far! Breathe Heather, you got this and you will do great!

[LoisB]

Ok. Feeling a bit better. Thanks Job.

I need to figure out the way this all works for ME. That first week when I was "on my own" and I panicked...the perfectionist editor jumped down my throat and began hovering. He hasn't stopped hovering. Until, I prove I can handle this job, he will continue.

I've also gotten away from my prayer and gospel music.

The Jeep has been broken/needs a new exhaust--towing it from Ohio shook up some rust. So, D20 and I have been car-pooling. This means I spend a long 45 minutes with her in the morning and evening. I also have to adjust my schedule to accommodate her schedule. She is done with work by 2:30. It's put more pressure on me. On Monday and Tuesdays, it means I feel pressure about getting done--and, it means D20 can't get home to D12 by 3:30 p.m.

It also means that...days like today...I could have D20 take D12 home at 2:30 and I could get a few more hours of work done without the kids around.

D20 has stepped up some since the blowout on Monday. She made an appointment and had an estimate for the Jeep repair. $650 in repairs with $450 needing done ASAP in order to make the vehicle driveable.

I have some things to sort out. It's a lot. But, I will figure it out.

D12 has calmed down. We are working on her homework and chilling.

I have noticed a few things. I get the most done on the paper when I get up really early...5 a.m. It's quiet and no one bothers me.

Also, I know it's not realistic right now...but, I want a treadmill. I need a way to burn off this energy. I suppose I could use my Salsa DVD too.

I'm also putting a lot of pressure on myself to put things in place in the house. We still don't have a microwave-which hasn't been as big a deal as I thought it would be--it is for D12 though--she is dying for a hot pocket!

We also need a living room. No couch or chairs.