Wife has left and filed for divorce

[Wonka]

Vertex,

Good morning!

I will talk to my lawyer, hopefully today, about dropping my side of the mutual RO. You don't think that would push my W away or be seen as pursuing?

No, it is not pursuing. What you are doing is removing a barrier to communications between you and W. This is YOUR part of the solution. What W does or doesn't do on her end is her business.

It is encouraging to see that you're proactively seeking help with your anger issues and sexual addiction problems. This is a Herculean task in front of you and you would want to tackle them at your own pace. There's no competition here. It will take some time to work through the root causes of these issues.

I hope you brought the books I recommended a few posts back. Have you?

Do you think a letter would push my W away if I asked my MIL to ask my W if she would accept a letter before I give one?

Absolutely yes. It will just make matters worse. There's no "timeline" or "deadline" for this to happen. You would want this process to occur organically. No forcing it. For now, focus on getting your RO against W removed. Then you can cross this off from your to-do list.

Baby steps.

Just to let you know. Ms. Wonka would NOT talk to me for 4 solid months. I've endured a bunch of crap from her in the initial stages of her moving out of the house. Tough chit. No two ways about it.

Patience.

[vertex]

4 months of NC at all? Did you two have a mutual RO or was it just your W ignoring you for those 4 months?

Sometimes I feel like my sitch is hopeless. There's a ton of awful crap that my W needs to forgive me for, she's been totally NC since 10/15/14, and she seems angry and unhappy.

For example, last night my boys called me for a few minutes (I guess this is a positive thing for my W to help them with). Had a nice chat, but then they got off the phone and forgot to hang it up. I heard my W getting them ready for bed and she was quite short with my younger S, sounding mad and stern. I heard my S crying (I don't think because of her but because it was bed time), but the whole time I didn't hear any love in my W's voice.

My older S prayed, my W put on a story CD for them, and left the room. In the past we would all pray together, and last night it seemed so sad and unhappy that my W had one S pray, didn't do so herself or say any kind words, and then leave the room.

I did hear her, after my boys got off the phone, ask them: "Did you two talk to daddy?" It was weird and surreal hearing her voice and it sounded almost normal, but then I heard how stern and short she was and just felt bad.

Another reason why I think she's angry, besides the fact that she's been ignoring me, is that even though she told her MIL that she wants me to see my boys more, she is only letting me see them every other weekend and every other Wednesday overnight. My L and I had asked for every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend, not as a final plan, but as a baby step, and it seemed completely reasonable to me. It's just weird how she tells her MIL that she wants me to see the boys more and then keeps me from seeing them much at all (I haven't seen them for a week now). And it's frustrating to me because right now my W and I have the same legal rights to the boys. I'm letting her call the shots for now because I want her to have her time and space and to see that I'm not controlling the way I used to be. Also, my L, who knows I want reconciliation and who is a trained mediator, has suggested these baby steps instead of simply going tit-for-tat with my W.

[Wonka]

In my sitch, there was no violence or RO. It is normal for the WAS to put up their own Berlin Wall to ensure there's distance between the LBS and them.

Bond's wife did not speak to him for 3 years and they're now happily reconciled.

Yes, it takes a looong time for the WAS's Berlin Wall to come down. It is because they are very hurt and in deep pain. If there is a OW/OM, then their minds are foggy from the A where they must pledge their "loyalty" pin to them instead of their own spouses. Wacky. I know, I know.

I am glad to hear that you and the boys do communicate. Keep it up.

Another reason why I think she's angry, besides the fact that she's been ignoring me, is that even though she told her MIL that she wants me to see my boys more, she is only letting me see them every other weekend and every other Wednesday overnight.

You don't know. That's mindreading. You cannot read what goes on in W's mind/head. Just let her be.

My L and I had asked for every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend, not as a final plan, but as a baby step, and it seemed completely reasonable to me. It's just weird how she tells her MIL that she wants me to see the boys more and then keeps me from seeing them much at all (I haven't seen them for a week now). And it's frustrating to me because right now my W and I have the same legal rights to the boys. I'm letting her call the shots for now because I want her to have her time and space and to see that I'm not controlling the way I used to be. Also, my L, who knows I want reconciliation and who is a trained mediator, has suggested these baby steps instead of simply going tit-for-tat with my W.

I really like your L. He does have your best interests in his mind. Give W some time for her to come around and she will in due course. As we all know, this cannot go on indefinitely. First things first. You know what you need to do about that RO.

[vertex]

What do you mean come around? This is a woman who seems to dislike me very much after suffering my abuse, criticisms, EAs, etc. There's a lot for her to get over, and I've read some women who suffer from such abuse actually have PTSD symptoms.

My W told my MIL at the beginning of this ordeal that she "wants me out of her head". My FIL told me a few weeks ago that one time he called her up and asked how she was doing. She replied, "I don't know, let me ask H." He was shocked by this--I was too when he told me, since that's never what I wanted her to feel!

So she wants me out of her head, I guess which means she wants to feel free to live and make decisions without being fearful of my criticisms, control, oppression, etc. I don't blame her, but now that she has a taste of the good, free life without my abusive influences, why would she ever come around? I do believe she still loves me: I don't see how love could simply disappear after 8 years of M, and my MIL has also told me several times that my W does indeed still love me.

But still, is there hope?

[Wonka]

Vertex,

You ask:

What do you mean come around? This is a woman who seems to dislike me very much after suffering my abuse, criticisms, EAs, etc. There's a lot for her to get over, and I've read some women who suffer from such abuse actually have PTSD symptoms.

Given what you just said ^^ right there, it will take a long time for W to come around. Eventually she will. Right now, W needs time and distance to regain her self-esteem after being cut down to pieces by you. She needs to heal herself first....rightfully so.

But still, is there hope?

There is always hope. Sometimes situations do turn around and some do not. You need to be aware that this is not an iron-clad guarantee. Please keep working on yourself to become a better man, better partner, and better father.

[vertex]

I guess my concern is that my IC and others say that if a woman goes too long without any contact from her H, she'll get used to her new life, happy with her new life, and sometimes end up losing her love for her H.

[Wonka]

Vertex,

I am not sure if IC knows about DBing or understands its principles. Sometimes we talk about IC around here...some are good and some are really bad.

I would encourage you to read other people's threads and post to those that resonate with you. Even a simple "hi, i m here to support you" will drive traffic back to your thread. Reading other people's thread will help you in the growth area as you will see new perspectives that you might not have thought of before.

Many WASes need and must have the space from the LBS. It is universal here in DB. With time, their walls start coming down and you will eventually have contact with your W. Patience. This is a marathon, not the 50-yard dash.

What is the status on your discussions with L about dropping the RO?

[vertex]

More bad news today. Went to pay my L and was given a ton of paperwork that my W's L filed with the court: motion for temporary child support, motion for a temporary parenting plan, motion for mediation ASAP (which is required in our state). It's been almost eight weeks but seeing how my W is continuing to push through this D still gets me down. Very down.

And these motions for child support and custody are very one-sided, too. My W is wanting me to only have every other weekend and every other overnight Wednesday with the kids. Furthermore, her income and expense statement for her child support motion must be a future projection or something because it's listing things (health insurance, rent, car payment, etc.) that she's definitely not paying right now because she's living with her parents, borrowing her sister's car, etc.

Oh well. It's been very hard for me to detach and imagine a new life without all of our shared happy memories and the plans for the future we talked about. And I feel bad for the kids. I'm very down right now.

I'm meeting with my L on Wednesday so I'll talk about dropping my end of the RO then. I'm starting to feel like just giving my W her D, though, and not wasting any more time.

[Wonka]

Vertex,

I am sorry that you've had to face this paperwork from W's L.

If you and your own L feel that those items are "one-sided" as you say, you and L will need to come up with a counter offer. Right now, it is a business negotiation. Be sure that you and L are very through with your state's calculations before making a counter-offer.

If I were you, I would ask your L to slow this down so you can have some time to think it over and figure out what you feel is appropriate.

I am not sure about "future projection" for I believe the law focuses on what is happening in the present. Again, that is something you and your L will need to review together.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling now...not a fun thing, for sure. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

Remember, a CS/SA (controlled separation or separation agreement) doesn't necessarily spell the death knell of a M. There have been many situations here in DB where there have been S filed and even some D papers filed only to have those situations turn around to a reconciled M.

You've got to stay strong during this negotiations.

How are your GAL activities? What have you been doing in regard to that? Plans for this week/weekend?

[vertex]

My W already filed for the D almost two months ago. We're just going through the motions now. I offered up a legal separation near the beginning but my W said no.

I also just found a four-page letter my W wrote to me on 8/27/14 (less than two months before she left!) where she asks for my forgiveness for her EA and her disrespect, promises that she wants to start over with me, and basically pleads for us to work together as a family. Man oh man, this breaks my heart. It was such a beautiful letter and gave me such hope, and yet less than two months later she's gone.