I will write about the night that we told the kids within a week.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
What does everyone think...She has taken her rings off because "she was mad about the disscussion of Support" I have kept mine on (since married 20 yrs). Should I remove it?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I had my ring on continually for over 13 years I took it off in December just before Christmas (w took hers off back in august - she wasnt religous about wearing it anyway). In my case it was because I hit a crisis point in myself, I couldnt quite get into detatching and after some issues that happened at the time (all in my threads if you want to know) I took it off (took some doing). To this day feels odd and still have muscle memory to tap it on the car gearstick or feel it with my thumb.
But, it was a catalyst for me being able to commit more to loving detatchment which Im at least better at now if still relapsing at times.
So really, ask yourself why? If it brings you comfort to keep on keep it on, you are married you care and you want to stand for your marriage. If you think it will be a symbol of you detaching (but not giving up) then take it off. Just dont do it (not saying you would) as a rebuttle or counter attack. Only make your decision based on what it means to you if you keep it on vs what it means if you take it off.
Right now my sitch is at a crossroads and Im not sure where it goes next (big reasons I cant go into on the forum) but if we did reconcile w would put mine back on or it will stay off.
Hope that helps a little, really its something you need to think about and decide for what it means to you and which is the more comforting direction for you. There may be an external effect on your w but dont decide based on that or at least not that alone.
Keep going mate you will be better regardless of outcome
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Oh so she had a tough conversation about the divorce/separation SHE's asking for? Too bad. This stuff is brutal. Don't protect her from the consequences of her actions. What does she think is SUPPOSED to happen when you talk about dividing your assets and tearing your family apart?
The ring thing is up to you. Don't do it to "make a statement" to your wife. The questions you should be asking are: Do YOU want to wear it? Are you still married? What does the ring signify to you? WHY would you want to take it off?, etc.
We sat them down in the kitchen table and ate take out. Conversation was joyful and light as it always is in our house.
They had no idea what was about to happen.
Two out of the three finished their food. My oldest son got up to leave and my W asked him to come back, she started to speak but couldn’t start. My oldest son said OK…., and got up again.
She stated that she has wanted this for “a long time”
She called our son back and had him sit with our other two (15,14, and 11) and stated that we had something to tell them. They were excited, and asked if it was a vacation or if Mom was going to take that new job that she was looking at. She said no, this was serious and to listen. She started to talk again but couldn’t, her words betrayed by her emotions. I had told myself that if this is what she wants then she would have to accept the consequences by starting the conversation. I had been so emotionally destroyed by her decision that I did not think that I could nor did I think that I should. Now however I saw my wife and friend in pain and my children confused…..there was no way for me to prevent it before or now….the only way through it is through it. I took over.
They had no idea.
I talked slowly as a third person, an outside observer in the bizarre situation that I still do not understand completely. “When moms and dads first meet and get married they feel that their love is forever. Slowly over time some find out that it may not be as strong as what they first thought and begin to wonder if they want to spend the rest of their life with the same person.”
My oldest son began to cry.
I continued, “This is where your mom and I are right now; we have tried everything but do not believe that we can fix our marriage while we live under the same roof. We know that we love each other but do not know if it is the type of love that a husband and wife need.”
I hated myself for saying “We” as it was not what I felt, but I knew not to lay blame.
“Nothing that you did caused this or could have prevented it. Your mother and I will begin to live separately starting next week.”
My other two began to cry, my oldest sobbed, my wife silent still until this point.
“We both Love you so much and did not want this for you.” My wife stated “we love you tremendously and everything will be OK eventually.”
We continued together, as a strong loving couple as I know we are but as we spoke, anger began to swell in me towards her. Anger due to her inability to be happy, her desire to leave, inability to communicate these issues sooner, to fix instead of dissolve, and most of all for putting our children through this. The only way through it is through it.
Then the heart-wrenching questions:
Oldest son (know withdrawing and detached) “Fine, yea, OK,…Who is staying and who is going” My wife, her voice shaky and wavering “I will be moving down the road into a apartment.” I thought the real why question was next but wouldn’t be asked for the next few days.
My youngest son, “what about vacations, Christmas…” My Daughter, “Why do this?”
The answer I wanted to give was mom does not want to work on this relationship because she thinks that she can have happiness with OM. That is why she is leaving…I didn’t ask her to leave and I don’t want her to go. There is nothing that I would not have done or changed for this woman to keep her in my life. But they say that is not well for the children, not to lay blame. So I said what we rehearsed: “your mom and I came to the conclusion that this would be for the best.”
We cried and held each other as a family.
In the weeks that followed, we signed an agreement, moved her out together, separated possessions equally, agreed to 50-50 custody, slept in the same bed, held and even kissed each other, and were very civil.
I cried daily.
All Bull*#T, I am amazed at the power of this MLC and OM on my W. It is amazing how accurate DB and DR is in regards to affairs. I heard the same statements from my wife. It is what keyed me into the actual reasons…”ILYBANILWY…we are not emotionally connected…I never have been connected with you…he is just a friend…he is not the reason…the problem is with me (W)…I cannot fix it without leaving…”
Oh well, I will take my ring off this weekend after I discuss it with my kids and let them know my reasons. As some of you have told me – it [censored]…hurts like a M**ther F#**#*# but the only way through it is through it. Ha, I truly loved that woman.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Never an ending, my brother -- always a work-in-progress. Although our marriage is now stronger than it's ever been, it's like cultivating a fine garden: you have to continue to do the work.
You need to be their hero now, as I know you've already started to be.