Things have been up and down with me lately, not too much movement but I've been doing a lot of thinking. And my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. Do I want to reconcile or do I want to move on? Am I doing the right DB things or should I change up my approach?
I have been re-reading Divorce Remedy. What an excellent book. Rereading it has made me realize I need to have a lot of patience and self-control. Not react emotionally when a R talk comes up. Always seem cool, confident and happy. The time for OW talk and that sort of thing is later. I have a hard time not venting, but I need to realize it will not help me at all.
If you read the end of my last thread, WAH and I had met up a few times 2 weeks ago and he brought up R talks. But the R talks were more about him missing me as a friend than as a spouse. I don't know whether to believe this or whether he is saying this as a cover for more complicated feelings.
On the one hand I feel that being friendlier with him could be a stepping stone to reconciliation. On the other hand I do not want to be friends only. I have thought a lot about this and decided that I don't get anything out of a friendship with him that I cannot get from other friends. So why would I pursue that, since it also comes with a lot of pain.
So what to do? Do I "pretend" to be friends and hope that brings us closer, or do I continue to be distant and hope that makes him realize what he is missing on a more romantic level?
Is there something I can do to test the waters or figure out his intentions? He suggest things like dinners out together, helping me with things around the house, him cooking for me at his place. Do I take him up on these offers or remain distant? Should I flirt with him somehow over text or in person? (we communicate semi regularly via text about mundane things) Should I do nothing and just go with the flow being friendly and not getting emotional at all?
When he asks if I am dating or if I am happy about our separation, what should I say? When he asked this before I had no reply. I feel like my answers should show the best PMA I can. I feel it is best to seem that I am happy, confident and moving on with my life, even if I have to fudge the truth a bit by saying everything is terrific and I am casually dating.
Lots of questions I know. Anyone have thoughts?
Hope you are all doing well! Hugs, Lisa B
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Lisa I'm having similar thoughts regards being friends . After nearly 6 weeks of darkness I'm toying with the idea of being friendly and trying to get along with her (her words) But then I think am I being true to myself because at this moment in time I would only be doing it to try and get some form of relationship with her.
Then I wonder if we start being friendly would I get to emotionally attached and then get annoyed if W didn't feel the same .
I suppose you could say it really is playing with fire.
I really do struggle with the whole why can't we be friends and get along . And my response is normally I love you so much I can't be just friends with you .
Would like that to change but I would always have this little glimmer of hope .
It's a hard one to really even think about Lisa and I suppose some will say go with your gut feelings and others will say don't even go there .
Good luck with whatever road you choose .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
Lisa,I know where you are coming from its a delicate situation. We all know that what he is doing isn't right. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I would say that I have been going out with different friends and having fun. Let his mind wonder. I don't know what the vets think about the spending time with him. If you do, you might consider not being to available. When you do get together I would be at your home. Are you still in your marital home? I wouldnt go to his place. If he ask about how you feel about the separation I wouldnt say anything other than its not what you signed up for but its given you some time to catch up on some old friends. From a male perspective I don't think he is interested in being friends with you either. I don't think it's possible to just go from m to freinds. But in saying that I do think its ok to spend time together to see for him what he is missing. Let him make the first moves and I think you will get a feeling from being around him what he is feeling. Hang in there girl!
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Lisa, it sounds like he's testing the waters a bit. Maybe accept some of his invitations, if you feel up to it. Maybe decline some because you have mysterious "other plans." If he asks if you're dating you can always say, "If you're interested in building a friendship with me, I don't think a discussion our dating life is relevant." (Say this in a friendly way, of course.)
Think of it this way: Even if you don't want to be his friend in the long run, staying friendly right now will help whether you end up trying to reconcile, or whether you move forward with divorce, as it could make the process more amicable.
Of course, this requires sacrifice. It is difficult to be friendly toward someone who is breaking our heart.
Now that my H and I are initiating talks to proceed with the dissolution of our marriage, I feel it's easier to be friendly toward him because I NO LONGER CARE and I have ZERO EXPECTATIONS. That being said, I don't plan to accept any more invitations from him to have dinners or walks. But in your case, D isn't yet on the table, is it?
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi all, thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it!
Today I met up with a friend who I haven't seen in a very long while and told her some of the saga that has been going on with the WAH. Her take: "he is realizing he made the biggest mistake of his life but he is too proud/stupid/scared to admit it". I'm not sure I agree with her assessment but it was an interesting reaction.
I don't really know if he truly wants to be friends or is just lonely or if he is possibly interested in more. I cannot fathom why he would tell me he misses me and want to spend time with me as friends at this point. Lots of what he says doesn't make sense to me. But this whole adventure has been quite odd so I suppose nothing should surprise me.
I think at this point the only thing I can really do is focus on myself and my changes and let him drive the relationship train to see where he wants to go. I guess patience is my only real option and friendliness is the safest choice. When I am feeling angry I want to cut him out of my life and when I am feeling hopeful I want to pursue. But these are both bad choices.
Again I think the best path for me at this point is distant friendliness, watching and waiting to see what he says and does. No pursuing, no complaining about his past behaviors or the OW.
The one question I have is - if my friend is right and WAH really is realizing he made a mistake but is too chicken to come out and say it - how can I make it easier for him to feel that I might be amenable to it without opening myself up too much or pursuing? I think it is best that he thinks I am happy without him and moving on, so how do I also show him the door could be opened again?
If he really wants it, he'll let you know. If you bring it up he'll read u as needy. It's much like when u are in a relationship people give off a vibe of confidence because that aren't trying to impress anyone. I know I used to get hit on all the time but the second you are dumped, the other sex can seemingly "smell" the desperation. He knows, as hard as it is try not to pursue. You can do it. I believe in you!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Bravo is exactly right, Lisa. Don't say anything, just continue to be positive around him and confident in yourself. If he wants to know if the door is still open, he will ask. Try not to let your wheels spin thinking about this. It's easy to get caught in the cycle of thinking about what he is thinking. The bottom line is that you won't know until he says it to you directly. Don't wait for that day to come because it may never come, just carry on being awesome and let things develop as they will. Know that either way you will still be awesome. ((hugs))
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Bravo and Ahoy you are so right. The smell of desperation... I think I have that now. It certainly seems that men are not hitting on me as much as usual. I probably have that crazy needy look in my eye! haha
I think so far I have been doing pretty well at maintaining my veneer of awesomeness. I never temperature check or say I want to reunite. I just want to make sure that I'm not sending out the message that there is no possibility. But overall I am friendly so I guess he could open up to me if he wanted to.
In this situation, I told WAH that I can't be in his life as a friend, because I want more than friendship. I don't want to go back to the way our relationship was (broken), but I'm certainly not interested in being "just friends" because it will slowly kill me -- being in his life and wanting more.
Then I made plans to go dark and let him stew on that. If he wants me, with this knowledge, he knows where to find me. He knows what I want, I've made that clear. If he wants the same, he can come and ask for it.
I felt good when I made the announcement, because I felt like I had stood up for myself.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hi Little, thanks for checking in and for the great advice! I wish I had your strength and conviction.
I think what you have done is set a very clear boundary and I admire that. I don't have the guts to do that myself yet.
I feel like I am still conflicted on so many levels. Do I even want to reunite with WAH? Do I possibly want to be friends? Do I hate his guts and not want to speak with him at all ever again? So it is difficult for me to give an ultimatum or boundary since I am not even sure what I want.
A few weeks ago I was 99% sure he was going to come crawling back to me asking for forgiveness. But it has been a few days since I have heard a peep from him and now I am not sure if he has moved on and gotten over me. Funny how these things work.
I have been re-reading Divorce Remedy and some other similar books lately. Took a look at one today at the bookstore titled something like "Get Back Together" or something. Good advice in the book, very in line with DB. Basically focus on yourself and healing to make you a better person. Then see what happens, and if you come back together take it slow.
It reminded me that no matter whether I hear from WAH daily or weekly or never, the only thing I should worry about is ME. I have to focus on making myself terrific and the best I can be. Not just for him to see, but for me, or for potential other guys down the line. I cannot control what he thinks, feels or does, I can only control myself. I need to be sure I am that woman he would be a fool to leave.
I do feel really good about myself and I have made many changes while we have been apart for a few months. But I can still improve. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in obsessing on what he is thinking or doing and forget that the key is being the best I can be.
He left me for OW not because she is so great, but because I was failing him as a wife. Sure he was weak and immature to do so, but the truth is I contributed to the situation. So I have to focus on how I can change those things that led to the OW etc. And just overall become better to please myself and improve my life.
It's difficult sometimes to stay focused but I am doing the best I can!
Have a great day!