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A Message from Michele
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Married young, W had affair w/ coworker #2496690
10/13/14 03:50 PM
10/13/14 03:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
UpperCu  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
I'm new here, so I'll try to get to the facts.

We recently moved out of state to allow W to pursue career and master's degree. Now that W is almost done with school, she is looking for jobs in her small and competitive field which has brought huge emotional swings up and down with each school/work/intern success and failure.

W had 3 week long EA/PA with coworker during out of town assignment, DDay was 3 weeks ago, at which time W says she has ended A (right after driving home from a work conference and OM's house which is out of state) but since she works in a small field, she cannot promise NC. She said she broke it off to figure out her future and her marriage and asked OM not to contact her, says he agreed but thinking back it seems like she left it open ended for herself to initiate. W is still pining after him each day and has admitted it has been hard not contacting him. She may see OM in a few weeks when on school related trip to give a presentation.

She says I deserve someone who can respect me and she can't give me what I need. I agree, but think she is saying this out of a PEA flooded alien brain.

During discovery I found a video (deleted) on our computer that W made of herself a few weeks before affair. She looked distraught and depressed after finding out her best friend got job she was pursuing. I think depression is part of what triggered A. I also work long hours during summer and W was alone at home working on papers during that time. She obsessed over the job she didn't get and had another job assignment/internship with different company at end of summer. The group works hard then parties hard.

W says she likes the new group better because she wants to party and feels like she got married too young. Feels trapped in marriage, although I have set few boundaries since I know she has a unique job field and I trusted her completely. Probably a big mistake in my part.

I've been through the roller coaster of emotions and made many newbie mistakes before finding this site: trying to be intimate, buying flowers, giving her massages, cheap forgiveness, not setting boundaries when W stays out with her friends (mostly men) until 3am or later, pursuing and texting/calling A LOT.

Found DB site last week and have been much better at not pursuing. W went out of town for training for weekend so I went on a road trip by myself to get away. Had a great time, visited fun new places, met new people. I've been hanging out with friends a lot, excersising and eating healthier. Trying to GAL. I see now that since moving for W's career, I have lost part of my identity and independence. In the past when I would meet new ppl I would talk about W and her successes, not myself.

We are Christians (W says she isn't anymore since A) and her parents have encouraged her to go to Christian MC. I asked for this also. She agreed to go to MC, but won't go to a Christian MC. Seems like she thinks Chrsitian MC won't see her side... We went to first MC session 2 weeks ago. Second session is today. Not sure if she will show up since I have stopped pursuing and stopped asking her plans. Not sure what she is doing anymore...

We're still living in same house and sleeping in same bed. She asked if I wanted to sleep in guest bedroom, I declined and said I don't think sleeping in same beds would help in long run if we reconcile marriage. She keeps a pillow in between us...

Right now her stance is she doesn't want to be married, doesn't want to reconcile, but has received numerous bits of advice from everyone she knows to not rush her decision. When I've asked what she wants, she tells me she really doesn't know. W has distanced herself from all friends and family who disagree with her actions.

I am white knuckling it each day, I appreciate any support and advice everyone!

UpperCut
M: 27 W: 25
Married: 3 yrs
Together: 6 yrs
Friends: 15 yrs
Dday: 9/14
No kids


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: UpperCu] #2496765
10/13/14 08:45 PM
10/13/14 08:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Upper,

Since you guys have been together for SO long (and since you were both so YOUNG), I hate to say it but she's going to have to figure out what it feels like to be without you before she's ever going to be "all in" your marriage again. With no kids involved, by advice would be some variation of the "set them free" method, going completely dark, and doing Michele's after-the-LRT technique.

If you smother her, it's going to completely backfire. She needs to know you HEAR her, and that while you don't agree, you do respect her decision right now.

Of course, you WILL have to set boundaries as part of that (she should move out, or at LEAST move into the guest room and no just coming-and-going at all hours of the night . . . you shouldn't pay for ANYTHING that she uses to conduct her affair(s), etc.).

If I can find it, I'll post a link to some old "Set them Free" thoughts by an old poster around here -- there's some excellent stuff in there. It's basically just a harder-core version of MWD's "dropping the rope" mixed with her "after-the-LRT."


Hang in there,

Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 10/13/14 08:45 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: Starsky309] #2496778
10/13/14 10:07 PM
10/13/14 10:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
Member
MrBond  Offline
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M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Read what Starsky has to say. He's right on point.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Have you read the DB or DR books yet?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: UpperCu] #2496783
10/13/14 10:29 PM
10/13/14 10:29 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,365
S
sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,365
Welcome aboard. I was just wondering, you show in your signature line friends 15 yrs, were you dating during that time? Has she ever had a serious boyfriend, besides you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: MrBond] #2496784
10/13/14 10:30 PM
10/13/14 10:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline
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Jefe  Offline
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Upper,

So sorry that this is happening to you.

The pulling away from "sane" friends, "You deserve somebody better", the alien brain, all part of the wayward mentality.

Listen to MrBond and Starsky. They will lead you towards the path of mental health.

Have you found Sandi's 37 Rules?

You are on moderation so your posts arent showing up in real time, that have to be reviewed first so post frequent smaller posts on your own thread and others to get you off Mod quicker.

Also feel free to visit our Prayer Circle thread in this section.

Hang in there, man.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: Jefe] #2496826
10/14/14 01:56 AM
10/14/14 01:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
UpperCu  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
It was really encouraging after MC today to see the quick replies!

So MC was interesting... I didn't know what to expect as I really thought W might no-show since she has shown zero interest in R (verbally) but she text me an hour before to confirm we had an appointment AND showed up. Small win for the marriage! In the few minutes before the session W showed that she has noticed my changed behavior and lack of pursuing her. She even said - "You know you can talk to me right? You don't have to be so quiet." I told her I'm fine and I've just been thinking about things. These moments in the waiting room and during our session was the most we've talked all week...

Her position is still "I don't want to be tied down and married, but I don't want to lose H because I will probably be alone forever or if I'm with someone they won't love me like he does. So I don't know what I want."

At one point MC said to W "so it's like you've regressed to a younger version of yourself" after W talked about how she felt like she always had to act older than her age, and is finally getting to be young and free. She also said she came to the realization that before A her life was written out for her, but now it is a question mark and she likes that. All I could think was RUN HERE COME THE PEAs!

MC's advice last week was to hug and compliment each other and talk about the relationship... I tried that for a day and realized that we weren't ready for it. From reading Starsky's posts and Sandi's rules about a week after that I see that this MC misjudged our stitch last time. Maybe he's still figuring us out, and I think he gets it now.

When he asked if we could try the hug/compliment strategy, W said yes she would try it, and I said NO because.... Although W says she has NC with OM, she has plans to be in his territory in a few weeks and "can't promise she won't run into him." I'm not ready to return to ground zero and at this point, a 2nd A or continuation may be the end of the line for me. I also told MC and W that I have enough dignity and self respect that I won't tolerate a continued affair and pretend that we are both working on the R when W hasn't committed.

W is upstairs doing god knows what and I'm waiting to break the news that she needs to sleep in the guest BR like Starsky advised. She went out with her girlfriend to dinner after MC and to my surprise, was at home when I returned from hanging out with my own friends. Thanks Starsky for the advice to grow a spine and set boundaries on a separate thread ;-)

Haven't read DB or DR yet, trying to find a copy in town and don't want W to know I'm reading it. She monitors all my email, text, etc. and shares Amazon and Kindle account.

Also, W moving out won't work financially at this point as she is an unemployed student. I'm paying for everything, but have already told her I am not okay with her living at home or paying for anything if she continues the A. After laying that out, surprise surprise she has been job hunting...

Until next time...


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: Jefe] #2496906
10/14/14 11:24 AM
10/14/14 11:24 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
UpperCu  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted By: Jefe
Also feel free to visit our Prayer Circle thread in this section.


Thanks Jefe! I read through the prayers last night and it definitely helps knowing you all are also seeking biblical wisdom and relying on prayer to get through your own situations. My prayer is that my W would respond to God's work in her. Please pray for me to learn to "lay her at the foot of the cross" so God can deal with her like Starsky put it so well in one of his posts.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: Starsky309] #2496933
10/14/14 01:48 PM
10/14/14 01:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
U
UpperCu Offline OP
Member
UpperCu  Offline OP
Member
U
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
If you smother her, it's going to completely backfire. She needs to know you HEAR her, and that while you don't agree, you do respect her decision right now.

Of course, you WILL have to set boundaries as part of that (she should move out, or at LEAST move into the guest room and no just coming-and-going at all hours of the night . . . you shouldn't pay for ANYTHING that she uses to conduct her affair(s), etc.).

If I can find it, I'll post a link to some old "Set them Free" thoughts by an old poster around here -- there's some excellent stuff in there. It's basically just a harder-core version of MWD's "dropping the rope" mixed with her "after-the-LRT"


Talked with W last night before going to sleep. She initiated the convo and had quite a few questions about what I've been up to, where I went for dinner (met some friends from church), etc. Seems like she is noticing the lack of pursuit and is curious.

She told me she was surprised that during MC I was not ok with the hug/compliment assignment the counselor requested. She also said she was glad to see that I have started to GAL. I reiterated why I did not think we were ready for the hug/compliment approach (in my head I was thinking "because NOT pursuing is one of sandi's 37 rules") and told her that although she has ended the PA, since she cannot commit to not seeing OM and has not committed to our marriage, and has told me she has no plans to make any changes to avoid crossing paths with OM because of how it might affect her career, that from my perspective the A has not ended. I explained I have more dignity than to just allowing both the A to continue and pretend like we are reconciling our marriage.

She asked what was next, and I told her for starters, our bed represents our marriage, intimacy, our relationship and if she doesn't commit to our marriage I don't think she should sleep in it. She acknowledged and slept in the guest bed. I had a video chat with my family while she got ready for bed and she stayed within earshot the whole 30 minutes... She seems very interested and curious, maybe this is a sign of something happening to her?

Can't think of any ways I'm directly supporting her affair financially right now, although I pay for everything, but if she drives to his area (it's far enough away I'll know if she went) then I plan to set that boundary since I pay for her car, gas, insurance. Do you think I need to set a boundary financially at this point (I don't believe she is currently pursuing the A)?

Looking forward to reading more about the techniques you mentioned.


UpperCut
Me: 28 W: 25
Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs
Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home)
S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15)
No kids
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: UpperCu] #2496979
10/14/14 03:35 PM
10/14/14 03:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: UpperCu


When he asked if we could try the hug/compliment strategy, W said yes she would try it, and I said NO because.... Although W says she has NC with OM, she has plans to be in his territory in a few weeks and "can't promise she won't run into him." I'm not ready to return to ground zero and at this point, a 2nd A or continuation may be the end of the line for me. I also told MC and W that I have enough dignity and self respect that I won't tolerate a continued affair and pretend that we are both working on the R when W hasn't committed.



Good job, UpperCu -- I know that wasn't easy, but you handled it like a champ. whistle whistle

Your wife is now likely going to swing all over the map, from super-nice to full-on-spew to everything in-between, as she tries to test your resolve. Just stay calm, remind her that this isn't what you wanted, but you've "heard" her that she doesn't want to be married to you and you're setting her free. Be sure to do GAL and remain lovingly detached, and come here frequently for help and guidance.

She's also going to probably trying to probe you for what you're thinking, what you've decided. Just say "I have a lot of thinking to do, and am looking at all of our options right now. This isn't what I wanted, but I also realize I'll be okay." Don't tip your hand.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Married young, W had affair w/ coworker [Re: UpperCu] #2496983
10/14/14 03:38 PM
10/14/14 03:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
Member
Starsky309  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
If you smother her, it's going to completely backfire. She needs to know you HEAR her, and that while you don't agree, you do respect her decision right now.

Of course, you WILL have to set boundaries as part of that (she should move out, or at LEAST move into the guest room and no just coming-and-going at all hours of the night . . . you shouldn't pay for ANYTHING that she uses to conduct her affair(s), etc.).

If I can find it, I'll post a link to some old "Set them Free" thoughts by an old poster around here -- there's some excellent stuff in there. It's basically just a harder-core version of MWD's "dropping the rope" mixed with her "after-the-LRT"


Talked with W last night before going to sleep. She initiated the convo and had quite a few questions about what I've been up to, where I went for dinner (met some friends from church), etc. Seems like she is noticing the lack of pursuit and is curious.

She told me she was surprised that during MC I was not ok with the hug/compliment assignment the counselor requested. She also said she was glad to see that I have started to GAL. I reiterated why I did not think we were ready for the hug/compliment approach (in my head I was thinking "because NOT pursuing is one of sandi's 37 rules") and told her that although she has ended the PA, since she cannot commit to not seeing OM and has not committed to our marriage, and has told me she has no plans to make any changes to avoid crossing paths with OM because of how it might affect her career, that from my perspective the A has not ended. I explained I have more dignity than to just allowing both the A to continue and pretend like we are reconciling our marriage.

She asked what was next, and I told her for starters, our bed represents our marriage, intimacy, our relationship and if she doesn't commit to our marriage I don't think she should sleep in it. She acknowledged and slept in the guest bed. I had a video chat with my family while she got ready for bed and she stayed within earshot the whole 30 minutes... She seems very interested and curious, maybe this is a sign of something happening to her?

Can't think of any ways I'm directly supporting her affair financially right now, although I pay for everything, but if she drives to his area (it's far enough away I'll know if she went) then I plan to set that boundary since I pay for her car, gas, insurance. Do you think I need to set a boundary financially at this point (I don't believe she is currently pursuing the A)?

Looking forward to reading more about the techniques you mentioned.


Sorry, just saw this and so cross-posted, Upper. Again, GREAT JOB. whistle

Yes, I do think you're going to have to set some financial boundaries, although it doesn't have to be today as you've already swallowed a lot. Maybe just tell her "Just so you know, I am NOT okay with spending of our joint family money on you seeing him, or in any way paying for you to conduct an affair, just so we're clear." You may have to make those moves soon or she may just respect your boundary like she did with the marital bed.

Stay the course . . . you're doing well.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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