Writing my situation and attempting to do so without being so long and wordy is difficult. I will temp to make it brief as possible. I want to share a good bit of truth in order to get real advice.
In 2007 I was deployed to Iraq my first time. It was a very long and tough tour. Seen and went through alot of things most people can't imagine. During the deployment my family ended up more abandoning me then supporting me over there. Thats a story in itself. for brevity things were bad and I got a divorce.
Shortly after the actual paper divorce me and my current W got married. We planned a future with a shared child and a white picket fence. She was soon pregnant and I was ordered back to war. while right after the send off my wife went into premature labor 10 weeks early. By a miracle my son was born and lived even at an unhealthy 2 pounds 2 ounces. I was there for the birth but had to make the choice to go to war in order to provide good medical care for my son (reserves while deployed get 100% medical paid where I was located.)
after I returned home from my deployment things got stressful and again unresolved issues crept in and soon I was diagnosed by the Army and VA as having PTSD with depression as a result of the PTSD. NO I was not a physical abuser ever to wife or kids which seems to be the common way of thinking. Basically it just made me pull away from reality alot and soon I was not taking care of myself or anyone else and was a shadow of a man. We fought alot and when not fighting I was withdrawn. I had attempted suicide one night and she stopped it. I began agressive treatment but one day just as the treatment was all lined up and started she left with the kids. I was devastated but unintentionally did DBing right from the start. I gave her space and told her I would work on me. She saw the effort and change and we reconciled within a couple months. that was in 2011
NOw 4 years later although we have had ups and downs and arguements with an occasional blow up things have been consistantly getting better. She had developed early menopause due to her LUPUS and there was some complications within the marriage due to that. Since the first time she left the memory of it stayed with me and I constantly worked on myself and the marriage. The problem is I think I worked to much in one area as I began to get bitter about all the work put in with little return. (I know I shouldnt expect a return as long as I am married but still would have liked more of an active participation in marriage enrichment with my wife. She did not like lving in the same spot for long and in our short marriage we moved (rather quickly each time) 4 times. almost once a year.I just couldnt tell her no.
On staurday we had an arguement that turned into a fight that then turned into a blow up. Hurtful words were said although untrue they were still hurtful and used against each other. The kids ended up seeing it and the wife overreacted. The wife says out out of nowhere she is leaving. Withing two hours I watched and cried as my wife drove away moving back to where her mom lives. Now the fight was bad and yes was ugly. Yes the last month had been a little rough. HOwever her leavig does not make sense. just a couple weeks prior she was telling me how nauseous she was getting cause she thought I was unhappy and leaving her. I reassured her I was going nowhere and we just needed to work on some things. two weeks later she leaves? saying its best for the kids? even though our 10 year old is so close to me he just last month told me and his mom he would die without me so he wanted us to die around the same time when I am older. He was so heartbroken and sad and she ripped him up and has been angry since. She even said my son may hate me for awhile but he will live.
I did the wrong things initially I begged and pleaded and tried to get her to think rationally for the children up and moving them 22 hours away instead of working on things. This only pushed her time frame of leaving from the next day to that same hour. I said on one phone call maybe if we take it slow in seperation we could work on us. That made her hang up and since then I have not done anything like that. I found this site and am gaining some knowledge from the forums. I will be ordering the book but right now I am prepping things her to move up north as to be by my kids at least. She has been making it clear that moving there what bring us back and that we are over.
so now 4 days later I have been a roller coaster of emotions. Cried and miserable first two days and then making small steps. Today I woke up with a small panic and began crying. called a VA counselor on phone and felt better.
She keeps calling here giving me updates as if its about the kids. She is mean and heartless. Not the same women who text me the night before the fight "I sure do Love you!" She has discussed visitation plans and other issues with me and isnt preventing me from seeing my kids when I get up there. However she had a real rough trip up there and passive aggressively blamed me for each thing that went wrong. ( I assume this is typical when someone emotionally justifies running off with kids).Not once have a fed into it or reacted negatively. My small 180's and positive moving forward has been noticed but right now she is turning that negatively. She calls with and update and then say things like " I am glad things are going well for you but not here with us." I resisted quite well the reply, "you left me and put the kids in that situation. All was stable and very well off here. So she has been noticing that I am not acting pathetic. However I just don't know if this is a hormonal/emotional/fight or flight reaction or if she truthfully believes we are done.
I dont want to break up our family and ready to do anything and hopes that through this she is willing to as well. I have read alot before posting on here and I dont see many success stories and many stories lasting over a year. I know I am in for a long haul but need a place of support as I go through this wild roller coaster of ups and downs.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
You will find lots of great help here. Keep posting in short, frequent posts (a long initial post is very common). Also, think of updating your profile signature to a format similar to mine and others. Just basic info of you, your W, kids, time together and key "trauma" dates. See the acronyms list stickied at the top of this message board for explanations.
Also, BD is Bomb Drop. It's not on the acronym list, last time I checked.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thanks everyone I am pretty confused and in a roller coaster right now. Been detaching all week. Wife already has noticed. I wake up panicky but it does subside and get better as day progresses. I am no longer crying and sobbing through out the day. Wife continues to contact. Up till today its been cold and angry. today was a pleasant phone call even shared a laugh. Helped me be able to actually eat for the first time in a week. Doing some basic GAL as I prep for the move.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Roller coaster day 6 since BD and wife left. I woke up to heartache today. I slept more than I have in days though thats a plus. Got up and started trying to clean up house to stay busy. Found the plaque that my wife loved to display. She even jokingly gave me a hard days before she left that I hid it behind bills. It says "OUR FAMILY FOUNDED BY FAITH JOINED IN LOVE TOGETHER FOREVER." Tears were uncontrollable. Weekend off so working on GAL.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
She called this afternoon to get my opinion on her living with her mom with the kids till she saves up some money. Instead of saying what I really felt which was I AM NOT OK because we should all be together as a family in a good home. Instead I replied that I just want to have a good relationship for the kids. I explained I wanted to no longer fight and wanted to communicate better. She was happy to see that my attitude was changing so quickly and her attitude towards me is no longer defensive. She then called at bedtime put the phone on speaker phone as I told the kids a bed time story. It took the sting out of the day.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
It's always tough when the WAS talks plans that don't include you in them. Good for you for choosing the positive route in this instance. It's also nice to see that she's calling so you can talk to the kids. My WAW texts the kids through me and doesn't really say much to me these days, but I will take the fact that she texts at all as a positive.
As Cadet said, make sure you eat, sleep, and exercise during this time. As a soldier, I imagine you're already in pretty good shape, but keep it up. A good workout goes a long way to improving your mental state of mind. Same with sleep. It may be hard to sleep because the moment you wake up, it's the first thing that pops in your mind, but rest when you can.
Looking forward to reading more as your situation develops. Have you read or had a chance to order Divorce Remedy?
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
Thank you. I have been eating better now so will get back to being more active with excercise. Your so right about waking up. I can handle things it seems better as the day goes on but when I first wake up its pretty hard. Like the mind has trouble realizing that it is all really happening.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
Thanks I feel I am doing the right things and seem to be at least making a difference, if only for myself. I have decided to make the focus be my change regardless of what happens in hopes that this real change naturally brings us back together. Of course as we all kow it's easier said then done. All of our friends are still pretty shocked as none saw this coming. They saw us as a model couple.
Me 38 WAW 40 S 10 S 5 M 5 years BD 10/04/14 S 10/04/14
