Inside My chrysalis 5

[Ss06]

Link to previous thread:

Inside My Chrysalis 4

A fifth thread. >sigh<

At the end of my previous thread a few of you pointed out that there are a lot of positives going on that I might be overlooking. Earlier in my growing stage I was much better at finding the positives but I began to feel I was painting a fantasy picture. Now I refuse to see the positive for fear it will give me false hope. I need to find a balance there.

I have my first IC appointment since BD today. First appointments make me anxious mostly because it requires explaining 18 years of history. I have a tendency to talk incessantly but I really need to listen more. Get more feedback and direction rather than talk it to death.

I'm grateful for all of your insights, support and commiseration. The journey continues... with hope.

[Card29]

I would assume most IC's are experts at knowing how to control a conversation in their office - either by them giving you advice when you need it or letting you spill your guts for as long as they see necessary. Just be yourself and let them worry about the dynamic. But when they talk, actively listen. Don't just wait for a break so you can start talking again.

I'm realizing that it's a skill to strike a balance on how to see the positives. Obviously you don't want to give yourself paper hopes that will fall apart and leave you miserable. But you shouldn't dwell on negative things, either. Maybe until you are more stable, focus on two things in your mentality about WAH:

1. Lightly enjoy the positives. Be aware of them but don't go over the top.

2. Dodge the negative thoughts. When something happens that bothers you, especially something mysterious or hazy like the V announcement, just make yourself ignore it as best you can.

If something really bad happens, like if he suddenly verbally accosts you for no good reason, or intentionally makes your D upset (not saying those things will happen, just hypothetical) then deal with it head on. But it seems like your anxiety (at least related to WAH) comes more from uncertainty and mind reading. Put practically, maybe your takeaway list from last night should have been:

- He did something sweet for D7 (flowers). He's a great dad and D7 is lucky to have two parents that love her.

- D7 was able to share a great accomplishment with both of her parents there, and celebrated with them together for an entire night.

- He shared something intimate from his IC sessions (book). Many people here would love to share that intimate of a thought with their WAS.

- We shared a few laughs.

- He will now have a lively, warm gift from you and D7 in his apartment


And that's it! No worries about V or worries about the future. That is a great night from someone in your sitch.

[Ss06]

Oh Card. I really needed to read all that.

There really are some great take aways from last night and I am so grateful to you for pointing them out. Am I blind? What a great list! Thank you for always being there!

[Maybell]

Just stopping by to celebrate your 5th thread. You've made yourself into a shining light around here, thank you for that!

What's happening on he job front?

[Ss06]

Thank you, Maybell, what a wonderful thing to say. I'll continue to shine my light as best I can. It gets dim sometimes but I think that's human nature.

Job front:

Nada.

Got a call from Banana. They left a message. I'm sure it's to hire me and get me in for training this coming Friday.

Outside of that? Nothing. Even the lady at the temp agency won't call me back. She's submitted my resume, so she says, but a month later... nothing.

I've never had this problem before. I've always had TOO many jobs to choose from. It's all part of this journey.

[Ss06]

Yesterday I had my first appointment with an IC. She's very nice and has tons of emotionally based experience under her belt, a PhD, experience at Gottman's Love Lab, etc. Here's hoping the price tag is worth it all.

The first session is usually a downloading of the backstory and that's pretty much what it was. She observed that it was clear we didn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable, to be able to connect outside of to-do lists, that feelings were not considered, etc. I have an appointment next week. We'll see

For the last month or so H has been coming over on Mondays to hang with D while I go to yoga. This means he has to leave work early which is a big thing to ask of him. I don't get into the nitty gritty of it, I just ask if he's available to watch D on Monday at 5:00 so I can make a 5:30 yoga class, if not, I have babysitters I can call but I want to give him the first right of refusal, so to speak. He has never once been late or said last-minute that he can't do it which is a huge 180 from pre BD. I really like this change in him.

I'm really trying to see changes he's making and there are many when I pay attention. He's MUCH less negative. More reliable. Less closed off (but I still give him space). I need to focus on these changes because they give me hope. Lots of hope.

Last night he asked if, since he didn't have a kitchen table in his apartment (why? i don't know) he could take a couple of our stools from our breakfast bar. I immediately took that as a sign that he's planning on coming home. Long shot? Oh probably. I'm just noting that he could just go out to Target and get a table and chairs. He was also just at Ikea getting D a bed but apparently didn't feel the need to get a table and chairs. Instead, he asked if he could "borrow" the stools. I said, "oh sure! That'll be fine. Absolutely."

It's possible I misread his motives. WDYT?

[Georgiabelle]

SS,

I'm glad you liked your IC. It sounds like it may be a good fit for you and that is a wonderful thing for YOU!

Yes, it seems like you've had some positive interactions with your h. Regardless of what the future holds, I think that is a good thing. You have a child together and you want her to see what healthy Rs look like and you can show that by example. Regarding bar stools.. Will your h want to R? No one knows. While I understand DBing is doing what works, the reality is that it is for you and can benefit all of your relationships.

I don't say this to be harsh, however every positive interaction isn't a sign of ...anything in particular. It's an opportunity to show you are making positive changes and are becoming the best SS you can be. I think your h said he felt he dead inside and he's not interested in a R right now. Perhaps that changes. However, for you and your D's benefit, please don't live your life in 6 month increments (I think your h said he knew he needed 6 months or something to that effect). Life is far too short and your D is this age only once. Don't let a projected time of when someone thinks their feelings *may* change dictate how you live.

I think you are doing really well. I know many people are ready for *something* and I know that is a challenging place to be. Hang in there!

[Card29]

If it raises your hopes, I would lightly acknowledge them but don't get too worked up. If you start doing that, the first "sign" you read as him leaning towards something permanent will send you quickly spiraling.

That is awesome about him being more reliable. Obviously our sitches are totally crappy, but there are some minor positives for the parties involved, usually. A little more space, a little more time on your hands when you don't have your child. This allows us to make changes, find ourselves, etc. I would still give my right leg to be permanently reconciled and swamped with marital and family obligations again, but it's always good to cling to the positives.

Btw, I'm kind of lecturing myself here because I'm in a really crappy spot tonight

[Maybell]

Well, my husband left all his sweaters and jackets when he moved out in June. It was 37 degrees on Sunday morning and he is nowhere near home yet. Nor has he asked to collect his sweaters. When I offered to bag them up for him he got weird. So I think the lesson is, don't read in to anything.

[KGirl]

^ what Maybell said. Could have just been easier/cheaper/whatever to borrow from you than go out and buy something. Maybe he's still looking for the right table. I doubt there's that much thought put into it about what it means down the line. Heck, my H said he was going to buy all new furniture to replace what I took and if we did get back together "we'd just have a lot of extra furniture," instead of waiting to see what happened. Who knows??