Divorced and moving out.....still hopeful

[topgunmb]

I feel for you in your situation. Through this whole thing, it seems like there are lots of situations that invite mind reading. Suddenly, you're back in high school again. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? She looked at me, that means something, right?"

I know I'm pretty terrible at falling into that trap, but I would say take everything she does at face value and just be Cool Joe NewB3. Granted, sitting on your lap and laying her head on your shoulder would send all sorts of confusing messages to me, but still, play it cool.

As for Thanksgiving, my suggestion would be to ask yourself what you would want. Don't do it for her. If you would like to see her family and it won't be uncomfortable for you, then go. It's freaking turkey time and you just can't beat a good meal on Thanksgiving!

[NewB3]

Thanks for that. I know that this will all be okay next year, no matter what happens. I just know I went with her wants and got the D. She kept saying that I did not hear her...she did not want to be married anymore. She loves me, and has no one else, nor is looking, just wants her space and freedom.
I, and her father, brother, my C all feel the high pressure job and a head strong toddler pushed her to make a quick decision to ease her stress. Now I am letting her be (I'm dark)and I feel she sees the writing on the wall. I have given her the rope and walked away with head held high, yet quiet.
Through her struggles a few weeks ago w/ S 3.5 I sent her an email. The first one in several months that had nothing to do with kids or D, just feelings. I said..."I know I am struggling with the kids in these transitions. I know you must be hurting too. I hope last night wasn't too bad on both of you."

her reply was ....
"Yes, things are definitely tough. Last night got better a little while....
after you left. I know it's hard on the kids too."

There is proof she is just as stressed, as well as the stress DVD and CD from her therapists office I saw on her table a few weeks ago.

[NewB3]

So she calls and asks about something of mine her name is on, an account at the bank. She asks if I can go tomorrow with her and we can take care of that. (I know she is working her task list at this point) I asked her if it was a problem that her name is on there. She said no, I just figured if you had time we could go up there together. ( 45 min trip each way) I told her it wsa on my list, but not way up in priority and that tomorrow is not a good day. I know she has other things to do and I would more than likely not worry about it until after she is moved and settled. She reminded me that she does not look at that account and has not in months. Told me not to worry, because she will continue not looking. (weird) I told her I trusted her and have no reason to think anything different, no big deal.She said just let her know in advance when I wanted to go, so she could plan. I said well, I am not going to wait until the day before, I will give you plenty of time to schedule.
She then goes on to ask about other things in our (once) home since she is moving soon. I told her I would get the other things soon, and named off 5 items. She had forgotten about a few of them and said she had some of the others on her list. I reminded her of the boxes at my home that she asked me to save. She said she planned on packing on ...day and would get them at some point before then. She said she would have to see when she has time alone (w/o S3.5) to pack and would get them prior to that. She follows up asking about the days I am off next week which we talked about yesterday. I verified and was quiet. She said "okay, I guess that is all for now. Have a good weekend." I said "okay, bye"
I then realized I did not tell her have a good weekend or a "you too". I just did not feel it. We ARE not friends in my book and her "reaching out" is weird. She talked to me about all this holiday stuff yesterday.

Mixed signals? Keeping me on the phone for what? I WANT her in my life and I need her love, not just friendship. Am I going about this all wrong? Sandi2? Wonka? Mr.Bond? females in the DB group that have been there? What do you think?

[sandi2]

Maybe you are trying to read too much into her every action. She is going through an adjustment also. She could be experiencing missing you some, but I think you will need to pull back a lot more in order for her to really feel she has lost you.

You see, she may be divorced, but she KNOWS she still has you. You know it, too. That's why you have to let go. When you really let go, then she will feel it. And then, I think she will begin to pursue you....if you don't keep waiting around.

She needs to see what she lost. She only thought she wanted out. But she really wasn't ready for YOU to be free, single, and available. Get out and do a lot more GAL.

[NewB3]

So I called her yesterday to let her know I would be coming to see her family on Thanksgiving night. She said she was not sure they were doing dinner, but would let me know.
really do not understand why the invitation was extended if they were not doing dinner. She did keep asking about my Thanksgiving plans. I know she has been spending more time with her parents, which is good. Her parents both feel, as I have mentioned before, that job stress and everyday child raising stress helped her make this rash decision. She also is feeling "older" now too. As she has mentioned some age related things in the past year.

Sandi2,
Thank you so much for adding some female perspective here. I understand GAL. I leave her alone and work on my home, go out with the guys once a week. I stay busy with hobbies, etc. Not sure what else I can do in that department. I do I "really let go" then? We have a small child together, and short of contacting her on rare occasions for that....no other contact. We have talked more in the past week about holiday plans and I just gave her my answer. Please keep posting here, I am all ears and I will follow your lead.

Thanks

[NewB3]

I have to be around her some this weekend with family in town. What is the best possible way to be around her? My guess would be well dressed, confident, social, & humorous. I just am afraid of being to friendly to her (friend zoneing myself, yet I do not want to ignore her. I remember when we first met...I act the same, but my nerves might get the best of me.

[NewB3]

Insomnia has set in. I am all in my head about this whole thing. New home with important visitors for the holidays. Being around WAW and being in control of myself. Foods to prepare to be a good guest. Sandi2's post above and what I can do to let go more. I am not ready to date. I don't need anyone, but want someone. That someone is the one I need to let go of.
How can I let her see she does not have me? Sandi2, that statement above has stuck with me since I read it. She knows she still has me, yet I am doing everything to be dark, so how does she "have" me?

[NewB3]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am very down tonight after having time with WAW family.
I came home after my family Thanksgiving lunch and fell asleep. I received a text from my ex mother-in-law and followed three minutes later by phone call from WAW. She was wanting to know when I was coming over.
I arrived a few minutes later with flowers for the host bottle of wine and some nice appetizers. My ex watched me out the door as I parked and waited until I got out and came out to the steps. She asked me how everything was and said they were about to have some leftovers. I walked in and she kind of let me be. I was fine with this is, but I did not know how to act. She immediately hit me with some humor about the wine that I brought and made a few offhanded jokes about some other things. She then walked away and let me be for most of the evening. I was very comfortable cool well-dressed and friendly to everyone.
She did seem uneasy about the situation and was curious to know what my plans were for tomorrow and she wants my oldest son to come visit with everyone. I then went into the room where the appetizers were and she followed me. She asked me something which I don't recall and then informed me that she had been off the whole week. I later talked to her father and said it was good that she realizes the importance of taking time off now as she would've never taken time off before.
I am not sure what the future holds for me and her. however, I appreciate the input from you Sandi2. I'm just unclear, other than dating others now, (which I don't feel I'm ready for) to have her see that I've let go. Please share some more with me.

[NewB3]

Another "family" thing this afternoon. WAW and family asked that S11 be there too. I talked to WAW about noon and she asked if we would stay for dinner too. I told her I had not planned to and did not want to invite us over. She said there should be plenty. I said okay and said I would bring over some apps.
I made an appropriate app, her favorite. She acknowledged the app when I put it on the table. She had opened the wine and saved a glass for me, a new vintage. She had poured a glass for me. I heard her say, as she was cooking, she would get some of the app in a moment if there was some left. I grabbed a plate and put some app on it, and set it next to her wine and walked away. When she returned to the wine, she had some app. She never commented. When the app was almost done, I put the last two on her plate and said nothing. (I'm the guy she was a fool to leave;))We all had dinner, jokes exchanged. I was charming and witty with the family, just like old times. She laughed a few times and joined in. After dinner it was like neither of us knew how to act. She became shy, yet made points to interact with me. weirdness. I think sandi2 was right. ( funny the relationship talk on sat radio was saying the same thing to a guy today). I need to pull away more and not be. I need help knowing how to do that with a small child between us. I already do minimal contact. Maybe she liked us tonight? Does not matter until she says something to me.

[NewB3]

Spent to much time with her these past few days. It has put me in a funk. I feel I have back slid myself and going dark again is harder than last time.