I'm 42, wife 33 Married for 4 yrs, together for 6 yrs We have a daughter that will be turning 3 in a couple months.
Where do I start......In June my wife told me that she was ready to "check out" of the marriage. She said issues have been building for a few years. I did everything wrong, cried, begged, criticized, snooped and found she had been telling a friend about a male coworker , accused her if at least an emotional affair, ......basically everything I did on my part is what I have been told to absolutely NOT do. I panicked and was scared! We had been trying to conceive for a yr and a half and she was in fertility drugs and I thought maybe part if it was stress and hormones.
We have been going to a counselor for almost two months (once a week) but things aren't getting any better. My wife says she doesn't live me anymore and feels I wasn't there for her for the past few years and said she might as well be a single parent. I've admitted all my faults and have done everything I can to change ME for the better and correct my future actions. She said she feels like she has no freedom and she is under a microscope. I've done a 180 as far as helping more with my daughter and household stuff.
The idea of a separation has been brought up but it's not really feasible financially and I REALLY don't want to do it....but I know she thinks it may be better. The counselor said even if we dint actually do it, it should be a conversation to have even if it is a two week temporary with rules. I would have to stay w a friend for a couple weeks.
My problem is (well one of them) is I don't feel it is the route we should go. I'm terrified and break Down frequently crying and am on an emotional roller coaster.
One original complaint if hers was not being there and not helping enough....if we separate I feel it would be taking a step back because I wouldn't be there to help take daughter to day care, chores, watch my daughter if my wife wants to go do something, etc.
I'm trying to hold back and give her space but it's extremely hard! I feel if I hold back she will think I don't care and have given up. My heart tells me to just continue doing the things to help her and make her feel loved, even if there is no reciprocation.
We are on the edge and I don't want to make anymore mistakes and push her away
What should I do? Desperate and determined to work it out and build a better relationship than we ever had before..... Unfortunately it's one sided at this time.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
She says I haven't been there for her, which hind sight I can see some things but she didn't really show it much then. When we were married a yr we started fighting about each other doing too much around house and she wanted to go to counseling to work on communication but I refused. She went to a personal counselor but never asked me to go again and when I asked what she was going for she said "just dealing w things" . It was shortly after our daughter was born and she had mentioned post pardum depression. So I assumed it was all for that and about her mother (she hasn't talked to her in years)
I was selfish with purchases but we bought a bigger house when we were trying for second baby but I would have rather stayed in the one we had.....but we eventually agreed on one .
I have sold my stuff and paid off other bills, changed my schedule so I could take my daughter to daycare. I have been working night shift for almost a year and my wife said she feels like a single parent because I'm either not home or sleeping. I don't get much sleep anymore because I want to be here.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
just for the record, I hav eread the 5 love languages, his needs her needs, love busters, fall in love-stay in love (still reading), and have divorce buster on the way. I'm trying to jus tget out and od something at least once a week, but I don't want my wife feeling like I'm neglecting my daughter
my friend invited me for a guys weekend in october (out of town octoberfest) .... but the date sounded familiar. I checked with my wife and that is a weekend that we had planned to take our daughter to an "enchanted forest" .... she said I could go to the weekend get away if i wanted, it's up to me. but i told her I would rather go to the forest thing with my daughter because she is going to be pretty excited this year (she is almost 3).
I'm going out with a couple friends tonight and she is going to wine fest with her friends tomorrow evening. we are supposed to go as a family to a pumpkin farm activity place on sunday.
she has been sick the past few days and I'm trying not to be too clingy and offering, but I feel bad. she had a very sore throat and she didn't go to her kickboxing aerobic class, but I still took my daughter to the park as I usually do while she is at class. after , we went for ice cream and I brought my wife a shake and told her "I know this is against your current diet, but I thought it may help with your sore thoat." she seemed surprised and thankful and said thank you quickly. later I asked if she needed anything and she looked at me weird. I just said "even though we aren't getting along right now, doesn't mean I don't care" ....
it's REALLY hard for me to detach and I still break down crying ..... but I need to get away from her so she doesn't feel smothered. I'm just hoping one of these days she will realize that we CAN have an amazing marriage.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
You are on the right track. Keep doing what works with the showing her caring, thanking her, praising her. Give her space from relationship talks, but still show that you care. Keep posting here. We're rooting for you!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Seeing that you have a child, do not leave the marital home for divorce/separation legal issues. Apart from that, reflect on what issues that your W has said and think deeper than just the words. Women are almost always emotional thinkers, attempting to talk logically to an emotional thinker does not work. The books are great, and so are the nuggets of wisdom forum, there should be 2 long threads and those are awesome.
Be careful to "push" her too much towards you (I love you, stuff like that). Let her make the big steps while you setup the small ones. One last thing, crying is normal. I would have to guess almost all people here have, many still do.
Good luck brother, stick to it.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
You are not alone. Most people who consult a Divorce Busting coach are singular in their commitment to working on their marriage. According to your post, you do not want to make mistakes and push her away. Frankly, your marriage did not come with a manual, how could you know? But, Divorce Busting coaches know exactly what to do in situations that leave most of us questioning our actions. Call me to discuss our program and learn how to get your marriage back on track. 303-444-7004.
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It's been almost a week that I stopped giving hugs and or small kisses.....it's killing me! I am having major issues inside with detaching. Especially when she shows no signs of missing it at all. My mind says give up bit my heart won't let me. I can't take this . I feel like crying....gonna be a long weekend
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Detaching is hard but very, very helpful. Don't try to eat the elephant -- it's going to be a moment-by-moment effort until one day you realize how far you've gotten.
It's going to be a long weekend, but it's going to happen no matter what. So pull together your courage, resolve, and positive mental attitude and make it as good as you can. You've got this!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This morning we took our daughter ti gymnastics class and I was in a pretty decent mood. I was having a blast w my daughter and my wife was joining, but the daughter was being over actuve. I was trying to keep her focused and my wife sat on the side. Afterwards I asked her what was wrong because I could tell something was bothering her. She said she felt in the way because I kept interrupting her when she was trying to help my daughter. It wasn't intentional, but once again I made her upset.
Now I'm feeling down again like there is no hope. How do I keep my "happy face" when there is no reciprocation and some opposition. ....I feel so miserable inside and it makes it worse because it feels like she doesn't care.
Seems like no matter what I do, nothing helps.
She is going to wine fest with some coworker/friends tonight and I'm concerned. I told her last week to let me know if she needed a ride if she drank too much . She said the other day that her friends boyfriend is going to drive them....but she is driving to her house first. More than likely she will be driving.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
