I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Than you Matt and CaliGuy, this process really is so crazy in how they think and what they feel will solve their problems. I really need to hand it over to God as I feel like a complete mess lately.
One min I'm fine, the next angry, the next emotionally shattered. Maybe it's the reality of the D- I don't really know. Maybe Im finally strong enough to actually process these feelings and " be in the moment" when they come on.

Last night I had a short conversation with H. This is what I journaled from it:

I had texted in morning that I realized we needed stuff for D13 school trip. He said he'd take care of it. Then I texted that needed to talk about S7 presents for his birthday next week.
Never heard back so I called in afternoon. Chatted for a bit about present options. Also about needing 2013 taxes for upcoming appeals hearing ( we owe lots of back taxes and I've paid half but hoping to get payment plan for rest). He said remind him later b/c he would prob forget. ( MLC fog seems to have resurfaced).
Couple hours later I texted asking about the taxes as well as making sure he would be paying estimated taxes on his 1099 work so I wouldn't lose opportunity for payment plan. Never heard anything. Uggh I hate it when he ignores me! One of his big issues is finances though so I figured he was avoiding.
Couldn't stand it so I texted couple hours later saying didn't mean to upset him and since I didn't hear back I would just get S7 the presents we had discussed earlier.
He immediately called saying you have a phone- you can use it. Ok whatever you have fingers you can use those f'n jack a$$. ( no I didn't say that- just said I figured he didn't want to deal with the money stuff since I hadn't heard from him).
We talked for a bit, then I also asked about impact of divorce on my taxes and claiming kids etc. I make quite a bit and I'm worried about coming up with enough to pay tax repayment plan plus anything I owe for 2014 if D goes through. He said he hadn't thought about it or the potential impact. ( how nice) Said he thought we would still file as married this year, or either way it wouldn't be something they would know at the hearing. Yes I know but it's something that impacts me. Asked what I thought was fair- I said I should claim all the kids for now b/c I'm paying 100% of expenses to which he said no you're not. ( I didn't argue because he's prob right- I'm paying 98.5%. A$$hat) Then said he came up with a big chunk from his previous company's sale to pay toward back taxes and I said yes- and I have to pay it back plus whatever else I'm going to be hit with.
Then he said if it makes sense that's fine- all he cares about is parenting the kids well.
He stayed very calm- I was the one sounding irritable. I told him I have no idea when he's going to complete the papers or what to expect from any of it and I just need to plan.
He brought up how this is all impacting him too b/c he isn't able to buy a house or anything else- I said not b/c of taxes- he said no other debts- I said different issue. We will work on that next. He said you're right it is. Then he said sorry I'm so frustrating to deal with. I said I didn't say anything about that. He said ok is there anything else we need to talk about? I said no.
Then he changed subject to kids- S7s dynamic at school, D13 sleepwalking etc. apparently trying to lighten the mood.
Then there was a pause and an ummmm- and I said do you have something else? He said no have a good night. I said you too. And that was that.
Second guessing his decisions? Who knows. No point in mind reading. I just know that if this is what he is going to do I need to better understand his timeline and his plans. This uncertainty su£k$!!
And this morning I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cry b/c I feel like I'm just being thrown away!

I'm reading one of the abandonment books from the rec reading list. Maybe that is heightening my sensitivity right now b/c I'm delving in and dealing with that.
I just feel like a big mess!!

[Atsbaby]

Hey daring,

I haven't caught up on your sitch lately, but I do see how frustrated you are getting with H. I get the need to plan and all the financial stuff...I'm opposite of you; I'm not the bread winner and had no clue what I would get and how we were dividing things or how I was going to survive. The one thing I did was NOT contact him. So some advice...stop contacting your H.

Plan what you need to and then talk with H about the kids things as needed. Worry about YOUR finances and set up a payment plan that works for you in the worst case scenario...and if things work for the better, you can pay off more each month and not feel the pressure/obligation if it doesn't work out. I hope that makes sense...it did in my head...lol!

The thing is, he hears you. I know the MLC fog is there, but it's amazing what they "do" remember. Stop contacting him. Let him contact you. Protect yourself and I know that some of it you need his cooperation with, but say it once and let it go. He'll remember, Clark did. It shocked me with some of the little things I said or did that he remembered.

So just a summary, stop contacting your H

[daring]

So ATS- just to be sure I get your message clear- what you're saying is stop contacting my H?

Thank you for your advice and sharing your experience. It's very helpful.

Today I went to boot camp, then to IC and did some EMDR work, then had dinner and a beer with an old friend I hadn't seen in 4 years.
It was all much needed and awesome!

The EMDR seemed to give me some peace even though I didn't feel like I got to any clear resolution. I'm hoping I can keep building on that to get re-centered.
I feel like a bouncy ball- I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down. Gotta get out of this pattern.

[Shining]

daring, good for you, the boot camp! It sounds like you had a nice, GAL kind of day.

Also great to read you met with an old friend. Isn't it nice to chat with those who knew us long before we lost ourselves in this mess? (Temporary loss, of course. . )

Yeah....the patience thing. Why we can't go to the "peace" store and call it a day, I don't know. My guess is that if it was easy, we wouldn't learn from it. Pain has a way of getting our attention, doesn't it?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Daring,

Reading your interaction with H, I agree you need to pull back and stop contacting your H as much as possible. I get the feeling that you like many of us, send a message to your spouse expecting a normal, courteous response. When you don't get one you get worried you did something wrong and try to rectify it. Like many of us, I think it may come off as pursuing.

You need to pull back for yourself. Do what is right for you in regards to finances and taxes. Seek your own counsel and make decisions. Only contact him with your needs in regards to those decisions. I would consider married filing separately. Last year I thought I would be mr nice guy and file jointly hoping she would see that it would be better for us if we were together. What she saw was the money returned and not the fact that it was all money I had taken out and that she would have paid more otherwise. This year I will take my own advice and not bail her out again.

[daring]

Thanks Shining and Life's Twists- I really need to keep the focus on me and the kids- it's just so hard some days!!
Our lives remain so entertwined no matter what b/c we have 4 kids who have busy activities and I have to rely on his help ( and my nanny's) due to my unpredictable schedule.
But I definitely need to keep the communication as minimal as possible right now.

It's been a little easier this week since he is traveling. I am traveling all next week so that's good too.
Sunday is S8s bday party so I have to deal with him then. I've noticed that birthdays or other celebration days are definitely harder.
Will fill up my PMA cup so I have plenty to spare before seeing him!

Thanks again for the support everyone- this board really is such a help.

[daring]

So today I had a date with S16 and S7- we went to see Big Hero 6. Adorable movie!! We all cracked up ( and of course I cried a little too).
I truly felt joyful which was nice.

In other strange news- H does not seem to be doing so well. I didn't expect to see or hear from him until Sunday at S7 birthday since he's traveling. ( yes I have been following everyone's advice and haven't contacted him about anything).
So out of the blue he calls tonight around 5- says he had to come back home yesterday ( his travel was within a few hours drive) because he forgot his laptop and wasn't feeling well. Huh???? So weird!
So he was calling to see if I needed anything before he drove back to his meeting. I say no, we are good, getting ready to go to a movie. Then he asks if I need anything for lawyer ( taxes) or before I get ready to travel next week. Again I say I have it all set. He asks if I need ride to the airport Monday morning. I said I was fine. He starts to say- well that way you don't have to leave your car- well it's up to you just let me know.....
I said I would look at my schedule and see but would probably drive myself.
He said ok guess I'll see you Sun- what time is S7s party again??

So the part I'm most happy about is that I wasn't all excited that he called or even wanting to stay on the phone. I have things to do- was setting up my new dining room furniture and then getting ready for movie.
He sounds terrible, lost again. Hasn't sounded like that in awhile. I have some theories but they are all mind reading.
So back to me- big trip next week- couple days with old high school friend, a spa day, and then 3 days of conference. Will be a nice getaway!

[daring]

Well I survived the b-day party and kept my PMA!
H seems off still- memory poor again, tired, health seems down. He's also worried about making money and setting up consulting jobs so I'm sure that's part of it. Yet he also made a point to pay for the extra charges at the bday party when I said I would take care of it all. Reminds me of the teenager trying to prove to Mom he can really do it all on his own.
He also mentioned to me how his family was asking about me when he visited them a couple weekends ago ( dad's side, the one that brings up a lot of issues for him). He said they want to keep in touch with me no matter what and that they hate him ( same thing he said about his mom and siblings). I said no they don't, then realized I prob should have at least validated that he felt that way.
I actually feel bad for him on this issue- he must have a really horrible view of himself and a lot of guilt to keep saying/feeling those things.i know he's also probably trying to reconcile what he's doing and the fact that his dad disappeared from his life at age 12 and basically started a whole new family.
I know- his chit to work through- I can't fix it for him.

I'm off to my combined GAL/social and work trip- will be good to get away!

[CaliGuy]

Wow daring ... way to have yourself together regardless of H and his chit. Kudos!!

[123Gwen]

Sounds like the limiting contact is really working well. Kudos on a great week.