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mdu Offline OP
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I'm in an interesting place. Feeling pretty good about life, despite H being so cold and distant and things not looking great for us right now.

Not sure what it is that's making me feel pretty positive. Maybe finally getting honest with myself about how far off the rails I've gone. Maybe it was the fun of the party, I love organizing parties for the kids. Also, I really enjoyed the warmth and help from various Mom's I'm friendly with who know H and I are separated. I definitely felt more detached from H today, which was a good thing. I didn't let his coolness get me down.

Interestingly, I also don't feel the panicky 'how am I going to deal with this house' lately. I feel more and more like I'll figure it out.

Maybe going way off the rails was good. Maybe you have to hit bottom before you can make some real progress. I feel a shift in me, let's see if I can make it permanent.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Doing some more rereading of my prior threads and get so much out of seeing some patterns. Notsomuch with regard to H (although, admittedly I am looking at that) but more with regard to me.

So just want to document a couple of things that made me happy this weekend so I can refer back when I'm struggling:
*having dinner and great conversation with a thoughtful, nourishing friend
*doing something incredibly fun and creative for my kids --- planning D5's Frozen party!
*spending time with friends who support and help me, I have so many and am so fortunate
*spending time with my Dad. Thankfully, he still recognizes me and despite his paranoid dementia I can bring him comfort. He still trusts me.
*watching inspiring movies, listening to music

I need to get exercise and healthy food on this list!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Still feeling good. H had the kids last night, when I left the house this morning he was driving past with the kids, we both stopped and rolled our windows down and said a quick hello. I was very cheery. Feeling back in the 'woman you'd be a fool to leave' space. Also feeling very much like I will be ok no matter what. I have been so freaked by the prospect of the holidays without H. But I started thinking about how that gives me the freedom to do and celebrate in whatever way I want. I love creating fabulous experiences for the kids, like D5's Frozen party yesterday. I certainly don't need H to do that!

And I have lots of fun stuff coming up over the next month or so. Going to a concert in the city with a friend, going to an American Girl doll café/store with D5 and another friend and her D, a dear friend from overseas is coming to visit me, and Halloween is somewhere in the middle of everything. Halloween is always a big deal and a blast in our neighborhood. Work is heating up a lot too, which is good for me because I love my job and being busy helps keep my PMA up.

So, for the moment, things continue to be good despite all that's going on with Dad and things with H taking a negative turn. Hopefully I can keep on this upward swing for a while.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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mdu

Keep up the PMA and being the W only a fool would leave. I guarantee that he is noticing it. And either way, it is making you feel better and setting you up for success on the flip side. You deserve to be in a great M/R, with your current H or someone else.

Shodan


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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mdu Offline OP
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Some more documenting.

Although H has been pulling away like crazy I'm moving forward and acting "as if" we're still reconciling. He hasn't told me otherwise and until he does my plan is to act as if his latest pull back is just a bump and not the end of the line. So far, I'm not getting the best responses from him but I'm not letting it get me down.

I think in general I feel more relaxed because I know we have MCing and that will be a chance to get to the bottom of things, even if it's not good. I so prefer that over limbo. Should be an interesting session on Thursday.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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MDU,

Been MIA for a while...sorry for that.

Originally Posted By: mdu
Still feeling good. H had the kids last night, when I left the house this morning he was driving past with the kids, we both stopped and rolled our windows down and said a quick hello. I was very cheery. Feeling back in the 'woman you'd be a fool to leave' space. Also feeling very much like I will be ok no matter what. I have been so freaked by the prospect of the holidays without H. But I started thinking about how that gives me the freedom to do and celebrate in whatever way I want. I love creating fabulous experiences for the kids, like D5's Frozen party yesterday. I certainly don't need H to do that!


^^ now that's more like it, MDU!!! What a sea change from last week. See...you can do JUST FINE without H being in the house. That is a great forward progress for yourself. It just shows that your happiness does not depend on H at all. Happiness is what you create for yourself.

Originally Posted By: mdu
Although H has been pulling away like crazy I'm moving forward and acting "as if" we're still reconciling. He hasn't told me otherwise and until he does my plan is to act as if his latest pull back is just a bump and not the end of the line. So far, I'm not getting the best responses from him but I'm not letting it get me down.


You might want to start keeping a solutions journal and make notations of what takes place & the outcome of each. I've seen many DBers make one outburst to their WASes and it usually sets them back. For instance, Betsey (aka Underdog) noticed that for every outburst she made toward XH, it set her back a good 14 days.

I think it would be helpful to YOU to keep a journal like to keep track of what works and what doesn't work. The one thing I do know for a fact that works is making homemade baked goodies for H.

With Halloween around the corner, you might want to start thinking about something for H. Another homemade bread? Other ideas?

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mdu Offline OP
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Had a devastating discussion with H last night. He told me that he does not love me anymore, has been trying to fall back in love with me these past 7 months since BD & just can't. I am stunned & devastated, all along he has been telling me he still loves me but it was not true. I'd say this is the end for us folks. I can't take anymore. I feel blindsided yet again. I always trusted & believed he still loved me. Can't believe that was yet another lie


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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MDU, I'm sorry that your H is putting you through this. You are doing so well, don't give back the progress you are making.

Your H is going through something, and he's hurting. I know how much his words hurt you. But remember, believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Best wishes.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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MDU, I'm so sorry to hear that. How did the conversation come up?

The only advice I can offer you is to try to keep a positive attitude and continue to do the things that initially attracted your H. Although there is no set timeline, I read somewhere (maybe Starsky?) that those feelings can take years to fully return.

I'm still holding out hope for you!


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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I'm so sorry, mdu. I know you've worked really hard at this, but I do NOT think this is your issue -- it's his. I have yet to see the man do the hard work necessary . . . or make the really tough decisions . . . in order to give your marriage a chance. He seems to be a "one foot on the platform and another one on the train" kinda guy, and that's his issue.

Sadly, it obviously affects you a great deal. frown


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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