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Kids have soccer today, did not get cancelled. Too bad, H is being a cold di*k to me. Gotta love it....NOT


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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Came home from soccer and H came to the house because he had previously agreed to help clean out the garage for D5's party tomorrow. He continued to be cold to me, barely looking at me. Lord only knows what's up with him now. I politely asked him if it was ok if I left him on his own to do the garage cleaning so I could go run some other errands. I figure the best thing was to get away from him before I got myself into trouble. D5's party tomorrow should be an interesting challenge.

Went to visit Dad. Oy, doing awful doesn't even begin to do it justice.

Doing a little cathartic movie watching now. My favorite Star Wars Movie --- III Revenge of the Sith. Watching Anakin fully transition to the dark side, sounds like my life!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Posts: 768
Spent some time rereading over many of my prior posts, basically from the time H announced OW was moving to his office until now. As many of you may recall, when H announced OW was moving I did not react well. Subsequently, H pulled way back from me. It took weeks for him to rewarm to me and ultimately it was fully 1 and Ĺ months before we actually spoke about OW being in his office and started really reconnecting again.

So now that H is pulling back again Iím doing some detective work trying to figure out the pattern. And the truth is, I have been a bad girl these past couple of months since we started reconnecting.

First, I got upset that we were still separated when the kids were starting school. I really wanted H back home so we wouldnít have to continue the back and forth through the school year. I offered an in home separation. H balked. I did not react well and kept pushing the issue several times. Not surprisingly he became more and more adamant in his position and more and more pissed off with me.

Next, things started going really downhill with my Dad. Mentally I started REALLY losing it. I was furious with H for not being here for me when I need him most. We had a couple of ugly battles over that. I piled on a bunch, verbally pummeling H with everything he has done to me over these months (and really, itís not like he has done anything to me post-A that I havenít let him). I did it in a way that may have been Ďsofterí than my normal style but in the end, I was still beating on him. As you can imagine, he did not react well.

Gee, why am I surprised heís pulling back so severely right now?

Having laid out all my misdeeds, Iím trying to forgive myself and keep moving forward. Since I've been down this road before I know if I don't I will fall into beating myself up and become depressed. I'm at least not going to allow THAT this time. I know what I need to do, give him space, space and more space. Get my PMA up and get GALing. Perhaps H will be done with me this time. Perhaps I am done with him. Tbh, thereís a lot of damage done all around and it seems like weíre both h*ll bent on piling on more.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Since I'm apparently in bad girl confession mode, I will add that I have NOT been dealing well with my Dad's illness at all. I've taken on some really, really unhealthy behaviors. Drinking alone, SMOKING (which I haven't done in 20 years), my diet is horrendous, letting myself just lay around a lot. I really turned into a mess and then turned on H, blaming him for not being here to support me in my pain. Gah.

Having said all that, over the past roughly week I finally started to wake up and realize what I mess I was making. I started to pull myself out of it and realize I need to stop this unhealthy non-sense. I stopped the drinking and the smoking and have been getting back to forcing myself out and about regardless of my feelings. I wouldn't say I'm out of it 100% and the damage I did may very well have been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Although I have to say, H and I get into a pretty ugly dance and it's quite mutual, so I'm not going to let myself shoulder 100% of the blame if that's where we land.

Tomorrow is D5's bday party. H will be there. I'm going to focus on D and all the kids. Unfortunately, for both good and bad, H and I have always had an intense emotional connection. When things are bad, like now, he can cut like a knife with one look. I'm mentally preparing to get my shield up.

Enough confessions for the night. Onward and upward. I still have 12 Olaf t-shirts to make!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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What a good mom, making those Olaf t-shirts. smile

It sounds like you and I have been in similar places mentally the last few weeks. I've been a mess too. I'm sorry you're struggling and I wish I could make it better. This is not fun at all.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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mdu Offline OP
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Thx Maybell. Yes indeed, much similarities going on between us. I'm reading along your thread and wishing you the best!

Some good GALing tonight. Alone but all good for my PMA nevertheless:
*Star Wars is good for the soul. Many words of wisdom in those films. I <3 Star Wars.
*Busy is good for the soul. Been getting ready for D's party all night. 16 Olaf tshirts plus 1 Olaf onsie ready to make some kiddos smile.
*Laziness begets laziness. Get moving, especially doing something for and/or with my kiddos and joy is sure to follow.

Getting back on track..


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
H will be here soon for D5's party. Deep, deep breaths. I will focus on the kids and not let H's coolness get to me. I am trying to be the best me I can be, I realize that may not be enough for H at that this point, too much damage may already be done. But I'm trying and will keep trying until I get it right for ME. Including calling my doc to up my AD meds smile

Have a good one everyone.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Posts: 1,104
Breathe deep, you got this. no problem!

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It ďainít over till itís over!Ē


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Joined: Mar 2014
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mdu Offline OP
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Thx Jefe.

Survived the party. Kept my focus on the kids. It was an awesome party if I do say so myself.

H has definitely pulled way away from me. Reminds me so much of how he behaved during the A. Despite this, I'm feeling ok.

Going to relax for a while, exhausted.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Posts: 1,104
Well, My turn. My wife is over here today and I'm having a hard time holding my attitude. Gotta detach.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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