Again, the detachment and GAL was huge but hitting the gym, reading/learning, 180 and NC was even bigger. Once she physically saw me fit, saw that I was confident and at ease with whatever would happen, and heard what I had learned about myself and our relationship and that I was going out and not moping like a sad needy baby she was suddenly interested again.
The truth is I was doing this all for me and she could tell it wasn't for her. This is very important, doing it for them is needy. Doing it for yourself is attractive. She could tell the difference because she's smart (even when fogged).
I'm okay with whatever happens at this point but hopefully it works out. Just learned a life lesson about not pursuing, stay cool, take care of myself first.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
Spent Fri-Sun with W. Lots of serious convo mixed in with light/fun. Started at happy hour downtown where she asked to come home this weekend, I said that was too soon and she got mad, started crying at the bar, and tried to flip it on my by saying I'm just another person to let her down. Didn't fall for it. I firmly told her I understood how she felt but taking our time was the right thing, slowly talking about other things we need to focus on and before we'd know it we would be ready to live together again. This was weird since all I've wanted was my W AS to be back but it was the right thing to do.
So we went home, had some wine, talked about focusing on rebuilding our connection/attraction while sprinkling in serious talk. She stayed 2 nights and we went to brunch, dinner (date night) where she got all dressed up and we went out and did some fun activities too. Hooked up all weekend long, like when we first fell in love 7 years ago. Bittersweet since we had some pretty intense conversations mixed in but whenever it got too heavy we agreed to take a break.
Both realize there's a lot to work on but this is a hell of a start. I was in the 11th hour of filing for divorce then bam! So, when they say have pacience, it's true. Also, stand your ground when it comes to boundaries. My wife's eye perked when I was firm and told her I was taking the lead in this. She admitted she rushed in her decision and thought it was the only choice she had. Now we're slowly getting on the same page. Still okay with whatever happens but we'll continue to ease into this over the next few weeks before she moves back in.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
I'm hoping my story can progress like yours!!.. I'm trying NC with my W after being LC for a while.. No OM involved, and I am 180'ing etc.. She just needs to get past being so happy in the "single life" at the moment..
Last edited by LoveMyW; 09/29/1405:50 AM.
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
We booked a trip on the coast for this weekend. Her idea. But for some reason I'm nervous about the speed of things. Definitely glad we postponed move-in 2 weeks. And these times together hopefully rebuild our attraction/connection which is needed to get us through a rebuilding process.
Still, I have seen no changes on her part and that is concerning. I've been working my tail off making long needed changes but she just lived it up for the past two months until she crashed back to earth and had an epiphany.
Going to try to have fun this weekend and not focus on the tough stuff since that's what we did last week but at some point it needs to get real because there's a giant elephant standing between us right now.
Off to the gym.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
I have no advice to offer, but I wanted to say that you've got a real opportunity here. I'm rooting for you two to find the answers you need to rebuild into a better R. : )
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Thanks, I feel like I'm on thin ice for sure. And I am thinking that if our R has burned to the ground then why start over from scratch with the person that poured gasoline on the fire?! Surely there's someone new out there that wouldn't have escalated it to this level.
But then I remember that I committed to do this and believe it is still salvageable. I just need to see it from her. I am doing this for me but it clearly takes two.
Part of me wants to know details of what happened over the last 2 months but I also think I should just focus on reconnecting right now. Wish we could do this as the crow flies but I can tell it will be a winding road!
Last edited by AWAW; 10/01/1408:24 PM.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
People who hurt hurt people. Meaning maybe she had good intentions but doesn't know how to communicate her needs and lashed out? That's gasoline on a fire, but also the actions of someone hurting and having no idea how to stop hurting.
Now it's on you to steer the boat with DBing.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I have strong suspicions of a WAW who wants to return so quickly. You have seen no change b/c there has been none. One important change for her, is knowing she was wrong in her choice to leave you and for the hurt she caused you. A woman doesn't usually enter into WAW mode for just a few weeks and then it's all over. She has to work through the issues that caused her to leave. Since you did not mention anything about yourself she complained about, and that she simply wanted to live to party.....then I'd think she needed a change of heart, at least. Unless you are willing to accept that lifestyle in a M, then it needs to be the center focus of has she changed her mind about it, and if so, why? You deserve some kind of explanation since she felt having fun was more important than the M.
Btw, it is fine to tell her that you would like to believe it, but right now you are in no hurry to take chances.
Other than continuing to have sex with her, I think you have handled yourself and the stitch pretty well. You are really taking a risk by having sex, when you say she may have even had a PA. if she shows up pregnant, all she has to do is say you are the daddy.
I suggest you pull back some. Stop having the R talks for a while. Stop pursuing about her going to MC. Don't even mention it. See if she insists on it. If she doesn't want to go, it's a pretty good chance she is not really interested in doing the work. Which brings me to the question, has she made any verbal commitments to working on herself and working to save the M?
She has just began to experience how tough things can get without your financial assistance and/or the comforts of home. I mean, there must be some advantages for her to want to return this early. Is that what she has really stated, wanting to "return home" instead of committing?
Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, make it top priority. Continue working on yourself. Not just the physical, but the self-confidence. It is so attractive in a man! Don't fall into passivity. It is so unattractive in a man.
I hope you post often. Don't give up. Your M can be saved.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Took a few days off from thinking about everything, the roller coaster over the past few months and all the books/research has been exhausting.
So the weekend away at the beach went great. We had a date night out and a night in where she cooked dinner. Lots of wine and romance. Did some sight seeing and just relaxed together. We brought the dogs too so it was like old times. Really nice. However, on the drive back the guy from her work called and it popped up on the dashboard bluetooth, it bothered me and I failed the test. We got into an argument (she escalated) and I told her I am fine with talking about stuff like this but she always flips out. I've realized lately that this is a major problem in everything - she flips a switch, throws up her wall, and gets angry/cold/mean during conflict instead of being a mature person and talking about things openly. Lots of work to do there. After some silence we both apologized and let it go and ended the night well.
But something doesn't seem right. She says she is committed to working on the marriage but at her pace but she won't elaborate what that means. She's agreed to counseling again but we still haven't booked an appointment (she wants a new therapist since she felt the other was taking my side). I still have not seen any changes on her part and she doesn't seem overly affectionate or loving right now - it's like she's there but there is a wall up although not as thick as a couple months ago.
She said she was miserable the past two months when she was in WAW mode and has apologized and said she acted too fast but swears there was no A, but admits she has been hanging out with guys (co-worker and a dude that was trying to start a relationship of some sort with her). What a mess. She doesn't understand that it's not appropriate for a married woman to do that especially during a sensitive time like we were in with marriage in the balance. Careless. She tried to introduce these guys into our group of friends and she was greeted with awkwardness, which surprised her....that's the fog! To think our friends wouldn't feel awkward about her bringing guys around while they knew we were going through stuff just shows how she wasn't thinking rationally. I will never understand that. And it is totally disrespectful to me and our M. That said, if I want to move forward at this point I need her to fully disclose (or do ?), forgive, and begin repair via MC. She keeps saying I am insecure and I say hell no to that, I am just sticking to my guns and laying boundaries. If I knew the guy or we had met together that's one thing but I won't tolerate her just going out and meeting guys on her own. I did not sign up for that when we got married or had to deal with it when we were dating. It's a dealbreaker for me.
An interesting thing she said the other day at lunch was that when she moved out she did not think we'd be sitting here one day and having lunch. Meaning, she left to end things - not to take time and repair the M. This was a 2x4 to the head. She said she wasn't being honest to herself or me. So why is she here now? Apparently, my changes played the most important role - getting in shape and detaching made her notice I was slipping away. She could tell I was okay with it. Then, our anniversary happened to be approaching, so that get together set the wheels in motion. Then attending her friends wedding and visiting family made her decide to come back and give it a try. And here we are...how long will this feeling last for her? This is why MC is vital right now. If we don't have any structure I feel like we'll go off the cliff again. I want her to learn the things I have, and I believe MC will be that avenue since she is not keen on reading anything about R.
So as of today she is fully back in the house. Sleeping together. I'm staying busy with gym and making an effort to GAL with more friends so we don't smother each other but still trying to do things together. Finding the right balance is hard! And to be honest, anxiety is at a high level again due to her being back. I was coming to acceptance and moving on then bam, she's back. And now my subconscious has a little fear of going through all this over again, whether it is in a few weeks, few months, or few years. I am now the one that's ambivalent! Especially considering there is a trend now, this being the second time she's just walked out instead of putting in the work.
To be clear, she said she was just very unhappy and wanted to have fun and meet new people, which is why she left. I am guilty of being complacent and believing our marriage was so strong that we just needed to adjust and time would work things out. I now fully understand that will never be the case and all R require constant work. I now see that when I was't feeling the love or attention from W I would shut down myself which would mean we were both withdrawn. I need to take the lead and notice when things are off and do what is needed to get them back on track, clearly I have to initiate since she would rather bottle it up and seek space instead of communicating but hopefully we can work on that. So here I am, she's back and I have a lot of improvements and she doesn't have many. I'm now focused on listening, giving words of affirmation, small acts of service, and physical touch. I am even throwing in small gifts here and there. All stuff I slowly neglected over the course of a year due to job/relocation stress. And, I personally feel great physically and getting there mentally after months of chaos. Just wish I could see more from her. I can tell this will not be easy and there's a lot of work to do.
Will read DR soon, but I am still reading a couple others. I've read more books in the last 3 months than I've read in 5 years. Enlightened though.
Long post...oops.
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
