Thanks for writing Gwen and Job! Great to hear from you both. Gwen, I just got caught up on your sitch - you sure have a full plate right now. I'm sorry the you-know-what's hitting the fan! Praying for a quick and full recovery for you. I know what you were saying about healing from a physical injury, compared to the emotional trauma of BD. I remember thinking many, many times...that I'd rather be having major surgery than be trying to deal with a broken heart. Neither is a cake-walk, but you know how long you will take to heal physically (and you could take medication that was mostly guaranteed to work!), but it's anybody's guess how long it will take us to dig ourselves out of the dark hole we fell into! You will get there. I think I just finally got sick of feeling bad. And two years of being separated had me itching to get out and be totally myself again - no one's wife, just cast aside one day, seemingly out of the blue. Just ME. We have to be our own best friend. Someone told me recently that when you go out and do something alone, you are not doing it by yourself, you are doing it WITH yourself. Words of wisdom, for sure.
When something this difficult happens to us, it makes us stronger, more resilient, so that anything else we come up against sometime down the road? Heck, we know we can handle it, because we made it through this mess. This whole experience has made me a better person - a better friend, a better employee, a better sister, cousin, niece, and aunt, too! We reap those rewards after we face this head-on.
Thanks so much, Job. I can only hope that those who might read this can take away at least a little something that will help them. So many people, here and in my new (bigger!) world, have helped me, and I will never forget that. Even strangers who listened - I came away feeling so fortunate that we crossed paths, and that they took just a few moments to try and boost me up. I may not have been the best DB'er, but I did everything in my power to save my marriage. That's all I could do.
The past is in the past, and I am so grateful for all of my life-long friends, family, and a bunch of new friends too, who helped me get to a better place. I know I'll still have some challenging times, but I got through the really bad ones, so I know these will also pass. I have to believe that I had to endure this to get to something even better down the road.
Blessings to you all -- LiveNow
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Hi everyone -- I thought I'd come back and see just how long it's been since I've posted. It's over a year now! Take heart - there is lots of life to live after you get yourself through this very tough time. I'm in my new house (hardly new now -- I just passed the one-year mark!) and I love it. It's mine, and it's hard sometimes to make all my own decisions with home maintenance, etc., but I'm figuring it all out. And I'm lucky -- the homeowner just before me (this house was built in 1968) did a whole bunch of major upgrades, and then sold it to me! New roof, new windows, new AC, etc. So, things are holding up well. But, alas, fall has arrived, and it feels like it today, after a long, lovely, hot summer here in the midwest. So I need to think about furnace tune-up, snowblower maintenance, how to cover up my attic fan, fall cleanup outside, etc.!
Anyway, I was prompted to write because I actually got an e-mail the other day from my XH, letting me know he is retiring at the end of this month, at the age of 57. (We've had no communication since our finances wrapped up, about a year ago.) Says he doesn't know what's next for him, but he hated his job, hated going in every day, most of his friends have also retired or moved on. He was there about 15 years, and he must have hated about half of those years. I know because I listened to the same complaints day in and day out for a very long time. I'm convinced his unhappiness in his career had more to do with his MLC than I first thought. Seems he still is in that tunnel somewhere, and I'm fairly certain he is not regularly going to counseling. I could be wrong about that, but I would think he would have retired sooner if that were the case. He has spent the past 3 years playing boyfriend and 'dad' to someone 17 years younger and her two very young children, and has avoided his real life. He has avoided his real life. I'm thinking now he will really have to face himself and fix whatever's wrong on the inside -- he will have plenty of free time for that!
As I'm typing this, something just dawned on me: he has been unhappy for so long, so he removed what he thought was making him so unhappy (me), and he was still unhappy. So now, it must be the job -- if he leaves his job too, then he will be happy, right? Oh boy. Wow. Guess what, XH? It's inside. When will he figure that out?
So we went back and forth a couple of times via e-mail. I told him I love my house, love my new town, and that I hope he finds something worth doing. I also sent him a link to a video on YouTube - 'Cool Change' (Little River Band), which just happens to be full of inspirational quotes (never mind the spelling errors!). He thanked me for that - followed by an exclamation point!
So interesting. I just observe from afar now. I can't believe I spent over 20 years with this person - and I NEVER see him now. It just seems so strange. But there are many, many days that go by that I'm just too busy to think about him or us. I'm much more interested in what this weekend's plans are with my friends. I've met some very nice men (nothing serious yet -- am I really ready???), so, yes, there are some out there! And there seems to be a large pool in my age group (early 50's). Midlife!
Oh, and here's a little perk: his retirement means I'll start getting my half of his pension starting 10/1. :-) I just got a little raise.
Meanwhile, I'm working hard, staying healthy, and having fun. And I remain ever grateful to all those who did their part in helping to get me here, including this board. Better times are indeed ahead, folks. My tattoo on my arm (that I got about 2 years ago, about the time XH filed) reminds me to 'Let it be' (whatever 'it' is). Funny...my CEO at work saw it for the first time the other day, and said he really liked it. :-D
My very best wishes to all of you on this board, fighting to get through this mess. Keep reading here -- so many helpful people, each and every one.
-- LiveNow
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
You sound great and I'm so happy you've moved into your new home and love he area.
Yes your xh now feels the job isn't making him happy and he's going to find retirement isn't going to make him any happier, but we'll see. Interesting to see that his is playing boyfriend and father to someone 17 years younger than himself and she has two young children. Retirement sounds like it's going to be babysitting time for him. LOL!
I'm very happy that things are working out well for you. Please don't be a stranger and come back to visit more often. We are always interested in hearing the success stories of our posters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
