I've been on this site a while (even though I haven't posted a lot) and thought it was time to move on over to this forum. I've linked to my story.
H has been involved in an EA (not sure if it has moved to PA) since January of this year. Have been trying to implement DB principals like GAL, PMA and changing things about me that might have contributed to our marital problems. Started DBing in June and unfortunately tried another marriage recovery program in July and then went back to DBing in August. The changes I've noticed are interest when I've been out GAL with friends, no further talk of D and some softening in his tone when contacting me.
To give some background for my question, our last R talk was in June and I asked him to confirm whether he was still "seeing" the OW. He actually confirmed that he was and, at that time, I asked him to leave our house (we were and are currently S) and it was insinuated that H was to not contact me. Well, I didn't stick to my no contact stance and we have been in contact since then.
I feel like things are going downhill, like he is caring less and less about what I'm doing and is losing respect for me. My question is should i plan another R talk and renew my "I don't think we should be in contact as long as you are having an A" stance? I would love some feedback on this. I have been talking with a DB coach and get the standard advice of treat him like my brother and don't bring up the R. I may be trying to rush things and am not giving it the time I should but just wanted to put the question out there and see what the vets think and what the general consensus is on this topic.
IMO, no, you don't have another talk. You've talked plenty. And flip-flopped too many times already, too.
From my read of your sitch, it's time to put fear aside and show H through ACTIONS - not words - that you won't play this game anymore.
If living in an open marriage is not something you wish to do, then don't live in an open marriage. Bow out. Let OW meet all your H's needs. Meanwhile, don't stay in that triangle; you're the only one who will be hurt for doing so. The less you know about their relationship, the better you will be able to emotionally distance yourself from your H and the hurt he is causing you.
GAL and stay mysterious ... not to get a reaction out of H, but because it's the best gift you can give YOURSELF right now, at a time when it feels you're otherwise being ganged-up on.
Chin up, buttercup.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I'm not big on speeches or grand pronouncements. If you feel that less contact is called for, then just go immediately to less contact and begin to ACT the plan that you had originally laid out.
If you think about it, it doesn't make much sense to get together to have a talk to talk about why you shouldn't talk anymore.
Aww, Sam. I wouldn't call myself a "master" by ANY stretch of the imagination.
Yes, Starsky and (to a lesser degree) I have been successful in getting our Ms back on track. But the truth of the matter is: it's so much easier for people on the OUTSIDE to see what's going on in your relationship because we aren't as emotionally invested. And, truth be told, there aren't many differences from one sitch to the next.
We've got your back!!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Well I found a great marriage counselor here in my home town and went yesterday (by myself of course). Come to find out she actually trained with MWD (what luck!). She gave me some great tips and things to try - like changing things about me to get his attention, be less available, a little mysterious (things that Train had said to do) and to threaten him a little bit. And to post things I'm doing on FB. Am anxious to see if these things work. Please pray that they do!
One thing she did mention that really bummed me out was that his A could last (or the limerance attached to it) for six months to THREE YEARS! Guess I will know when the time comes whether I want to hang on that long.
Yep. I remember when that statistic almost paralyzed me with fear.
You can't stop the A. But your actions may influence its ending sooner rather than later.
Funny story I meant to journal about here a few weeks ago:
H and I were out to dinner and talking. I asked him: if you had one piece of advice for left-behind spouses, when their spouse is out cheating, what would it be?
And his answer went something like this: "Act like you don't care. Just like *you* did, Train. You were happy and strong no matter how I was treating you."
Then he said something that made me chuckle on the inside (because I felt part of it was a little off-the-mark, but it also shows the quiet beauty of DB). He said: "My decision to end the A had not much to do with how you were acting. I had to get to that point on my own."
I just replied: "Yeah. I think so, too."
But just for my own personal sh!ts and giggles, I asked: "But what if I would have withdrawn from you entirely and been rude? Or what if I would have begged you to stay and not left you alone?"
And, as expected, he said: "Easy. That would have just driven me away."
It's textbook. Almost scientific. Just like most ALL spouses who are cheating use the line ILYBINILWY, many of the dynamics of the A are quite predictable. And what we, as LBSs, can do to increase our chances of re-attracting our WASs is pretty standard, too.
The *real* hard, unpredictable work comes after we HAVE re-attracted them. But I'll spare you my whining on that subject for now.
Grace under fire, baby. You've got this. Go ye forth. Be bada$s. Knock him dead, sista.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
PS I'm not sure what your MC meant by "threaten him a little bit," but that makes me cringe a little. Did she explain what she meant by that? That's a big, scary word.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Then he said something that made me chuckle on the inside (because I felt part of it was a little off-the-mark, but it also shows the quiet beauty of DB). He said: "My decision to end the A had not much to do with how you were acting. I had to get to that point on my own."
I just replied: "Yeah. I think so, too."
But just for my own personal sh!ts and giggles, I asked: "But what if I would have withdrawn from you entirely and been rude? Or what if I would have begged you to stay and not left you alone?"
And, as expected, he said: "Easy. That would have just driven me away."
Can you please ask a follow-up question to Mr. Train for me (and all of us here)?
-What is his thought of not talking about, bringing up or aknowledging OW at all? -How should the LBS handle the OW's shadow while in an A?
