I do not believe for one minute that he has sold some of your stuff or tossed it away. This is a "power/control" play. He is like a spoiled brat who wants the toys and is not willing to share. If, at all possible, don't ask about them again. If he says something, try saying, "That's okay. I am done asking and will try to find items to replace them myself". Sometimes, when you do the opposite, you will get what you actually want or need to hear.
You are a dealing with a child and until he wakes up, he's going to have selfish moments like this. They all want to control everything including the grass growing in the yard (if they could).
BTW, you are spot on...he does know that once you have your belongings that will be the end and the apron strings will be cut. It's all about holding on by a thread for them. They don't want you to move on and yet, they don't want you in their lives.
Breathe! I know you want your belongings, but please try not to ask for them again for a while. The less you look like you want/need them, the more he will see that he is losing that one last control issue over you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The later half of a crisis is about reconnecting. The MLCer reconnecting with themselves and their pets, friends, family, spouse. Like before, the LBS cannot speed this up. We must dig for patience.
However, one can exert some influence. And should, in the form of boundaries. At this point the LBS has, or should have, done a pile of inner work and well knows what they will and will not tolerate. Remember, people will treat you as you let them. As our spouse or ex-spouse is reconnecting, or wanting to, we show them how we are to be treated.
Regarding your belongs. Don’t play XH’s game.
You and he were divorced in November last year. There would be a legal agreement and requirement of splitting up and returning belongs, assets, and such.
If XH actually did sell some and threw the rest of your property away, well that would be very telling of his unwillingness to step up to his accountability for his path. I’m leaning towards how you see it, as a childlike threat from XH. You won’t play how he wants you to, and he made up a story.
Anyhow, your belongs. And one especially nonnegotiable item. If you are serious about getting them, then get them back. Speak with your lawyer and see what options are available to you. Your lawyer could write a letter to XH demanding the return of said property, and include the very real repercussions for noncompliance. I’d suggest you not pick the stuff up, have your lawyer state where to return the belongs to, a different address than your home address. The local police station would be a good one, in my opinion. If a letter doesn’t work, then police action to retrieve your property.
Yes, with the return of your stuff, the last of the physical ties to you, and hold over you, will evaporate for XH. That’s divorce. Let him feel his life choices. You are not his doormat or buffer.
With empathy and compassion, let go. Give XH to God, or the universe, or fate, or whatever you believe in. You can lovingly hold XH accountable for his actions and words. This is not mean spirited or vengeful, rather allowing and respecting XH’s choices. You allow him agency of his free will. When you and he interact, and when necessary, hold him accountable and enforce boundaries on disrespectful behaviours. He has to willingly walk out of the darkness.
Hope that helps.
Have a great Saturday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you. You eased my mind and body, my soul. Thank you.
I am hoping this is not true. I will not respond. I will wait and hope positively that he will do the right thing. Realize that those tactics do not work and those control mechanisms are no longer an option.
DNJ,
WOW! Reading that took me back to our then home and that feeling of captivity. I am no longer there. I didn’t realize that. I am hurt and scared walking this new road.
I will in the mean time, see what legal action and consequences I have at my disposal to exercise if he threw away and or sold my things.
I will let you both know how it plays out.
My hope is he did not throw away nor sell my stuff. My hope.
Thank you both for easing my soul today. Hope your weekend is full of cheers.
Again, he just sounds like a spoiled brat who doesn't want to play nice. Let me ask you this...pre-crisis would he have acted out this way?
Do what feels right to you. I would not play his game of begging and begging for your belongings. I just have this feeling that he wanted to see what your reaction would be. The more you beg and/or react to his nonsense, the more he feels like he is in control and has something to hold over your head.
As DnJ stated, you can always speak to your lawyer and see what he/she has to say...but the bottom line is this...just how will they enforce the law and get your belongings back? You will need to ask the lawyer this. If your h is not willing to return them on his own, will an officer(s) go there, knock on the door and ask for them? If your xh receives too much notice of their visit, he may just hide or not be home.
When you have a moment, please sit down and write up some questions to ask. You need to have some idea how this will play out. Some MLCers do not care what the divorce decree states and will not adhere to the law.
Let us know what you find out and how you are going to proceed. This is all very frustrating for you. I am so sorry he is still out there in La La Land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No. He was kind, gentle, giving, thoughtful and loving. His smile and laughter is what I fell in love with and his kind soul. If we had a disagreement he found a solution or a way out.
I do not know this monster. He showed up in 2016 when I sensed something was off and it grew.
I went to the court house. He had no right to do what he said he did. My hope is he is faking. I will do as job said and wait and see if he reached out, that I may get all I seek with silence. then take the legal route if he does not reach out. 🤞🏽
Good for you finding out what’s what regarding the legalities of your belongings. I agree, don’t beg or plead for them back. H knows you are wanting them, being patient and giving this some time may yield H deciding “on his own” to reach out about returning things.
Originally Posted by Samoy
Question: Are you saying he maybe in some stage of reconnecting? Could this be a form of reconnecting?
Withdrawal is a time of deep introspection for the MLCer. This will be the first time, since the start of their crisis, that they will actually come face to face with their trauma(s).
Coming to somewhat terms with their pains, as well as their deeds and running behaviours (well, those which they can recall, for their addled mind will have many holes for a while), they slowly start to exit withdrawal and enter into acceptance. It is here where those few fortunate MLCers truly start to reconnect, working to repair and rebuild those damaged bridges to family, friends, and spouse.
As you said, H pushed hard in contacting you. He professed remorse and sincerity for his behaviours. It does sound like more reconnecting than a touch and go.
Remember, the MLCer is quite fragile during this time. They will be worried and fearful of rejection and judgement. It is most important for the LBS to withhold such judgement, keep their expectations dialled to zero, and be supportive while the MLCer gets comfortable in their new skin.
There will rebellious moments from the MLCer. Like that of a teenager growing up, for it is pretty much what is going on. And like a teenager, allow them their room to grow while placing boundaries upon disrespectful behaviours.
In the later phase of acceptance, the MLCer revisits their entire crisis. It will likely be noticeable as they exhibit strange behaviours and temporary withdrawing. Again we must let them progress at their pace as this is a needed process. It’s the final processing to allow them to truly put their crisis in the past.
Note: During any of these later stages the MLCer could go back to a previous stage. There is a lot of pressures in the world. You can imagine that for one to face their long ago trauma would likely cause some reaction. It’s all part of their journey. We just dig for patience, keep moving forward, and shine the way.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
When you say reconnecting, would the following be it… Initially asked for someone else to get my stuff he said no. It is between us. Last month he called at the spur of the moment and said give me your address to now to send your stuff. I said no again and said when I will pick it up.
Would the ow still be in place at this point? If so, I am confused do they stay around in reconnecting. When do they go away?
I am giving him time like job said. I will send one note next week to ask, not beg, for him to let me know when he is ready to return my stuff and leave it at that then take legal action thereafter in about a month.
How does that sound? Like job said giving him time to reconsider.
To me, it appears that XH is testing you. Pushing your boundaries and your buttons, seeing if he can win. Remember, don’t play his game.
XH knows you want your stuff. He knows he’s suppose to give it back. He know it’s your stuff. That’s evident with his spur of the moment call to again to try to get your address. A not so subtle guise of him trying to getting his way.
Do as you are. Do not beg, ask, or plead. XH knows what he is to do. Further telling him or asking him (from you) will not be helpful. Decide on your timeline, and once expired turn this over to the authorities to regain your property.
Originally Posted by Samoy
Would the ow still be in place at this point? If so, I am confused do they stay around in reconnecting. When do they go away?
The path of a MLCer is a confusing one.
Commonly if the AP is still in the picture then the MLCer is still within the replay stage. The MLCer can certainly peek out of their tunnel, even for extended times, then dash back in again. And the opposite, they can peek back to replay from the other side too.
Until their final acceptance and settling, their path is still prompted by their emotional state. Granted, becoming less so as they deal with their trauma(s) and depression.
An OW (or OM) is a band-aid, a symptom of the crisis. Some of these lost soul never do find their way back. They hang on to their AP, and just get too old and tired to run anymore. They don’t exit their crisis, they just resign themselves to their life/fate/existence.
Running behaviour and confusion are hallmarks of a crisis. Along with the ever present depression. The presence of, or of not, a OW is not the all-telling indicator of XH’s stage. Is he behaving / acting like a teenager? Is he confused? Forgetful? Does he show remorse? Has he indicated deep depression? Is he withdrawn from life? Is he running? Is he trying to escape? Is he responsible and accountable? Is he open and honest?
I don’t expect answers by the way. There are plenty of variables and factors, most of which we know very little about. Our (ex)spouse does keeps their inner self pretty well hidden. A more long term view of demonstrated behaviours can yield clues of their path. It’s odd, we discover more when not looking for it.
Keep moving forward, have healthily boundaries, and focus upon you and your life. Live, love, and laugh. Enjoy your wonderful life. Remember, it’s XH that needs to catch up to you.
XH did return. He pushed hard, once. However, it appears he slid back. Until he can be the man you want and deserve, let him be. Give XH to God. Let Him work with and upon XH.
Hope you’re having a fantastic day Samoy.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
