DD#1-09/2006 long distance PA w/ coworker. Found out by anonymous email. WH denied at first until the emails kept coming with more details. We married 01/02/2005. He couldn't wait a year to cheat. Extensive marital counseling, blah, blah, blah. I was dealing with a serious health issue at the time so focused on personal health more than making sure he wouldn't do it again...
DD#2-8/8/2011 PA w/ 2006 OW at work conference that month. OW lives several states away. He got back home on a Saturday morning. He called me at work that Monday crying and begging me to come home. "You're going to leave me." I was in a meeting in my office and left work for the day. Called him back from the car to first tell me if something happened to the kids as they were out of school/summer camp and in his care. Once I knew they were okay, I knew before he had to tell me that he had done it again. Same woman. But this time it's worse. The OW is now married.
Trickle truths that first week. Found out about an EA that happened while we were engaged that carried over into the first two years of our marriage with someone online.
Immediately set up IC for myself and him. Worked on R. He told me about the A. He was drinking with some work buddies before it happened this last time. He didn't touch a drop of alcohol for a long time. "Don't want to do anything that could make me lose focus." Going to IC without me pushing him to go. Seemed worth another shot.
DD#3: 6/14/2014 PA lasting 6 months with same OW and now wants divorce. 1 week later confused as to what he wants. Since then, it went back and forth between me and her.
Now, he only wants her. He says it is really over with us. ILYBINILWY. OW lives states away. She is getting a divorce and will have 50/50 custody of her kids. Wants to move here and try to move her kids here. I don't know how.
He is in affair fog. He shows signs of depression and has for a while.
I have successfully done a 180 on things I needed to work on in the marriage. I've been consistent for almost two months. The kids and WAH have noticed and commented on the changes. He just thinks his only hope at happiness is OW.
I'm a wreck. There is no other way to say it. I'm devastated. I try so very hard not to cry, but I can't eat. I can't sleep. I do take care of my kids, the house, and my job. I am doing everything I can, but disengaging is so hard. I am waiting for a therapy appointment.
Right now, we are all in the same house until we work out divorce details. He wants to rush everything. I'm not in the right state of mind to decide today.
Oh honey, I'm sorry. I have some idea how this hurts. In my case, ex slept with an old flame the night before we married, spent the next 6 mos writing to her until I found out. I'll spare you all the details, but many years of apparently good marriage, three kid, then an affair after 16 years of marriage. DB'd my tushie off, great reconciliation, then full MLC and divorce at 24 year mark.
My point? Even if you somehow won him back now, what have you won? A deceitful serial adulterer that you could never trust again??? That's no life, and you deserve better.
Once I realized that about my ex....first time could be a careless mistake, second time we could work through, but a third time? That's a character flaw that's not about to change.
My mantra was Let Go or Be Dragged. You've been through enough, and you deserve a man who isn't always looking for something "better". (Btw, OW is not better. Just different and Willing. Your H will likely come to regret his choice, but there's no way of knowing if that will happen in one year or 20. )
Get a good attorney ASAP. Copy all financial documents. If he's feeling at all guilty, push for a financial settlement now; they get less generous as time goes on.
Don't think of it as getting even, think of it as doing what you need to do to protect your kids financially. This part is business. Getting divorced and getting a fair financial settlement will not prevent him from coming home if he truly wants. And being too nice in the di orce will not win him back.
(PS there can be light on the other side. I now have a handsome younger boyfriend who treats me like a princess, I learned to play the drums and play in a punk band, I have my own business and I actually feel lucky not to have my ex's negativity in my life anymore.
This is not about you, or about her. This is about your h's inabity to be satisfied and happy. He'll carry his issues into this relationship too. (And feel free to mention to him, that if she'll cheat WITH him, she'll cheat ON him. He'll scoff, but it'll stick in his mind.)
My point? Even if you somehow won him back now, what have you won? A deceitful serial adulterer that you could never trust again??? That's no life, and you deserve better.
Once I realized that about my ex....first time could be a careless mistake, second time we could work through, but a third time? That's a character flaw that's not about to change.
x 2.
I know that's not what you want to hear, Tea, but serial adulterers have about a 99% recidivism rate. I'm as pro-marriage as anyone on here, but serial adultery and full-blown NPD or bi-polar disorders are things that are best run from, in my experience.
Thanks to both of you! I have used to my advantage my law degree, his guilt, and his desire to be with his OW at some point to get the most cash out of this as possible.
I consulted with the very best of the best divorce attorney to see what my best and worst case scenario would be in court. I then used that knowledge to get him to agree to a settlement that was heavily in my favor and to agree to having one attorney represent both of us. That means that the attorney can't really represent either of us. The attorney will be a filer/paper pusher.
The OW just started the divorce proceedings in TX with her BH. He has all the proof of her affair(s) over the years. They have two small children, and he won't let her move them to TN without a big fight. He has a ton more money than her, so I don't see that affair making it the distance.
Luckily, I will have enough cash to put 20% down on an affordable house! pay off any debt I have! and have money left for moving expenses/little bits of furniture (I get the bulk of the furniture!). That is all coming from his liquidated IRA. Yup. He is desperate for this to be over.
I am heartbroken over the loss of my best friend. I am sick over not having my kids at home everyday. I just have to live with that, though. I've got to move forward.
Thanks for the reality. I will still update here as I go through the crappy emotions and dealing with the jerk.
You know, I loved my husband deeply for 26 years. It took some time after the split to recognize some of the things I had ignored or glossed over.
He wasn't all bad. We had real love for large parts of our marriage. Most days I see him now not as a jerk, but as a much more limited human being than I thought he was.
His depression, mild undiagnosed bipolar, and inherent sekfishness have all come into clearer focus in the years since he left. He seems to have gotten worse over the years, but the red flags were thete even when we were dating.
One of the biggest challenges will be to figure out why you picked him, why you ignored the red flags......so that you don't keep picking the same kind of guy in the future.
And yes, even though this is not about you, it's a priceless opportunity to look at yourself, shake off your complacency, and challenge yourself to live a bigger, better life. (Also, a good time to watch She Devil with Roseanne Barr )
You can't save your H from his fate. You've tried, you've done more than most people would to save your marriage. You'll have peace of mind because of that. His journey is in his hands now. And your life can become whatever you want to make of it. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Dream big!
KML: We finally agreed on everything tonight. I thought it would really tear me up more than I could imagine. Instead, we told our kids and now, we wait. Everything will move a little slower. He plans on keeping the house. I can't move out for a few months until I get my settlement and find a house that the kids like.
Reading the comments here along with seeing that my youngest handled it better than I thought really took some of the grief out of it all.
It is amazing how much having other people tell me that I did all that I could do can really make me feel a little better. I did. I was faithful. I worked on the marriage. I gave chances. I didn't cheat. I just took on so much guilt. That has been bothering me for so long.
I am taking my oldest to see her therapist tomorrow afternoon. She suggested a therapist for me, but the therapist isn't available until late October. I don't think she realized how long it would take. So I am going to talk to her again tomorrow to see if I can get in faster.
My youngest turned to me last night before bed and told me with tears in his eyes that he didn't want us to break up. It was so sad.
I spent most of the day with him and he has been really taking this hard. He has talked about our last family vacation, how we won't all be together anymore, how he wants us to be back together.
Luckily, D's therapist is going to see S as well starting next week. She only sees children and adolescents and is excellent. I think he will have a great resource there.
I found a law school classmate who represents both parties in uncontested divorces. That is hard to find around here. We will get that going and get everything moving.
Oh, D's therapist had another referral for me. I called right away and was able to catch a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 11:00. I know this therapist must be pretty good because D's is one of the best and has worked miracles. I feel like finally a prayer has been answered. I need to get working through this.
On a positive note, I was able to book a short trip over fall break to take the kids to the beach. I figure a low key and short vacation would be a nice intro to our new family dynamic and way of vacationing as a family.
I met my therapist today. What a great pick! I am so glad we clicked! She really understood my background and what I was feeling.
She understood why I still have a small inkling of hope that he will change his mind. However, she is 100% supportive of my need to break the cycle and stop it all. We are going to work on why that happened. Why did I keep taking him back? Why would I still if I listened to that small voice?
I felt a little lighter leaving her office. It was nice. This is 100% going to suck. There is no doubt about it. I just needed a small breath of air and a member added to my team.
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