Update: W moved back into same room and we are now sleeping on the same bed. We haven't made love/sex. Both of us agreed in trying to build our marriage back slowly and not rush back in. As for the A, she insist that it's over. Last week W called me and wanted to meet up to talk. On that day she told me she called the OM and the OM wife and told them both that she did not want any contact with them ever again. Since then, I have been noticing some of her actions towards healing us. She's been caring for me by holding hands, hugging a little, wanting me to hold her when we sleep, I initiate small kisses ( going to back off on this, dont want to ever be clingy or perusing), watching what I eat, saying sorry she hurt me, and she listens oppose to argue with my boundaries. As for boundaries, I told her that if she has any contact with OM, It will be the deal breaker for me. She told me she will be honest to me. I told her I did not trust her and it will take time if we both wanted us to make it. Recently, she came to me and suggested we both goto marriage/ couples therapist. I obliged. I feel delighted, but still skeptical from all the hurt. I just don't want to fall back in and get burned again.
Sandi, I listened to your wisdom and advice through your experience in the fact that one cannot just jump right out of an A and back into a M overnight. I learned to slow Down andtake it day by day. At times I find myself slipping with pursuing and I check myself and back off. It feels great to know that I can actually see how I can get by being a pleaser, recognizing it, and then putting a stop to it.
As of now, I know that I must continue to GAL, be patient, and become admirable to W again. I should be over joyed with happiness that I am at this stage in my journey, but I am not. The A and lies really killed a part of my love and trust for W. at times I just stare at her and ask myself in my mind if this is actually happening and why am I not embracing it. I know, it's trust issues that I have now.
So with this update, can anyone please give me some insights on how I should act around her, what should I do to keep things spontaneous, I know I have a long road to go and guidance on this site has been utmost valuable. Thank you all in advance.
It doesn't matter that she's not seeing the OM any more. If the basic problems that she had were just swept under the rug, then they will resurface once another man comes along.
What PROACTIVE actions has she suggested the two of you do to figure out what went wrong in the first place?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, Thanks for your reply. Wife wants to go to couples/ marriage counseling. She told me she got a referral for a therapist but after reading about her she decided she was not the right one. Should I also try to find a counselor or should I just let her do it? Reason I don't want to do it is because she initiated it and I want her to go through with it. Suggestions please. I've been noticing that at times she's really into fixing our M, then there are times when she's shuns away from it. I feel her cold ess towards me. Is this normal? How should I react? Sometimes I just want to scream and tell her this is not fair. Why does it seem like I'm the one doing most of the fixing in a understanding way and she can sway back and forth? This shouldn't be right, right? Uugh, sometimes I just want to ignore her ignoring me and just pretend she's not there. How should I be in these instances???
As for the A, she insist that it's over. Last week W called me and wanted to meet up to talk. On that day she told me she called the OM and the OM wife and told them both that she did not want any contact with them ever again. . . . As for boundaries, I told her that if she has any contact with OM, It will be the deal breaker for me. She told me she will be honest to me. I told her I did not trust her and it will take time if we both wanted us to make it. . . .
Did she agree to be transparent with you? This is key.
I looked at your first thread and it sounds like BD was about 6 months ago? Also when I read through the first thread I'm reading a bunch of "I was a great husband, I provided for her, I have a great business, I bought us two homes..." etc. etc. Men think that material things are a measure of how great the relationship is. The more stuff we accumulate, the more our W should love and appreciate us. But women don't measure it that way at all, they want to feel loved and special. It is VERY likely that the same things you did to accumulate all your stuff (IE- work long hours, spend a lot of time focusing on how to grow the business, etc.) are the very things that made her lose her loving feelings and made her seek an OM.
DB'ing is not about figuring out what she did wrong and how to fix her and it sounds to me like that's exactly what you're trying to do. It's about owning YOUR mistakes and changing yourself and giving her time and space to sort through her own issues. I think maybe you're trying to move to restore the M too fast. You both need time and counseling to get there. Find a good counselor (there are some tools for this on MWD's site). Check into Retrouvaille. Take this slow, and don't be surprised if your W pulls back again.
"Wife wants to go to couples/ marriage counseling. She told me she got a referral for a therapist but after reading about her she decided she was not the right one. Should I also try to find a counselor or should I just let her do it? Reason I don't want to do it is because she initiated it and I want her to go through with it. Suggestions please. "
Tell her that you are serious about MC and that together with her want to make the M stronger than before and that you are proud of her to take the initiative. Then tell her your "schedule" within the next 2 weeks as to when to make the appointment. Then leave it up to her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wonder what was the deciding factor for her- Did you ask?
It is vital you get into therapy soon. You may have have to try a couple before getting the right one.
Piecing is very challenging. Your feelings are normal. I believe the LBH is so focused on getting WAW back that once it happens, his emotions have a hard time matching what he thinks he should be feeling. You have experienced a lot of pain and shock. It takes time to heal. You will have doubts abd questions. Your moods may swing just as hers will do. Neither of you will be able to bounce back as if nothing has happened. " I hope she is being honest. If she doesn't know about the addictive pull,she will not understand why she is wanting to see him again. She could mistake those feelings to mean love.
She has her own stuff to work through. And, she may be wondering why her feelings have not returned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Starsky, Bond, and another, thank you for your replies.
Starsky, transparent...yes. Whatever tI ask about the A she answers. Don't want to do it too much though.
Sandi, I believe it was my LRT. Since I set my boundaries I went silent and she noticed. I am still somewhat skeptical.
I found two MC that have good reviews. I showed W their portfolio and she was very into learning about each background. This shows me she cares. But don't want to get my hopes up.
Bond, yes I think you're right to put a time frame on initializing the steps to C. I will give her 2 weeks. I will let her be the one to move us towards C.
So how should I be during this phase of my M? It's scary knowing that the road ahead is still so unknown.
cq, that's not what I meant by transparency. I meant did she change her cellphone # and email address, is she keeping her cellphone unlocked, sharing her passwords and whereabouts with you, etc. It's an imperative underpinning of any successful reconciliation plan; it's especially important here since she never sent OM a no-contact letter that you were able to see. Do you know for sure she called OM and OM's wife and conveyed her no-contact wishes? Have you talked to OM's wife?
