"Was never in love" part deux

[Mat]

Yeah I'm definitely in a space where I best STFU. I have fantasies of letting her have it. I am doing work on myself to grow, while she's taking the easy option that feels good, "trying something else". How dare she comes tell me that the thing that makes her upset is that she made me sad. The cheek. Let's see who's happier in five years! Not that it's a competition, but it's insulting to me.

She's probably feeling better than I am now; she's getting the analgesic relationship to keep her ticking along, and the illusion that she's a carefree young single girl. But I may be fundamentally happier as I'm facing life with my eyes open and the desire to grow. I don't get the sense it's her case - hopefully it is, or she'll get there.

[Ggrass]

They want you to walk in that trap, it's giving her reasons to get closer to om.

Oh and you being a friend helps their r in way. It makes her thinks its all roses as her needs are being met by 2 not one.

Let her marinate, long and slow.

My h know the truth even tho he can never admit it to himself ever. He knows and I'm guessing that way he has been so uncomfortable.

[Mat]

Man - they're not paying me to advertise counsellors. This hour was worth it! Especially since mine found and read my thread beforehand. Saved a lot of time!

All in all, I didn't do THAT bad. No techniques would have worked at the moment, and things I say make their way through her head, slowly.

I'll download more from my notes from the session when I have more time in case it helps anyone. And I'll go back to visiting other threads more assiduously. I know how much it helps.

[25yearsmlc]

Mat

I just posted a rather long post on your old thread. Darn...any chance you can grab it and put it here?

Hmm, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now. Maybe I can.

[Mat]

Thx 25 will do right away. I just wanted to clarify that the way the meeting went is not the way to go ideally. I haven't stumbled on a new method or anything. It's just that given the particulars of my situation, there's no need to go nuts with regret.

Also, my situation is quite serious. I am preparing to go on after D, as plan B even though I am hoping to piece R back.

[Mat]

I don't think I got your signature hue quite right, but I think this is close enough!! Thanks so much. I will benefit greatly from reflecting on this. I am going to give myself until tomorrow. I tend to shoot from the hip and say the right-sounding things. I'll think carefully and come back tomorrow, when I download my notes from my coaching sesh.

Thanks so much again!

Thanks you guys! I am pumped no matter what. If she brings up D logistics I'll be responsive but not too much.

The scary thing is; our separation wasn't nasty. That's what makes me think she may be detached. \

TRUST ME on this---having a nasty separation is NOT better than a "restrained" one. (I won't say yours was "friendly" b/c I doubt those actually exist.) But yes, yours was relatively 'drama free'. That IS MUCH better than the alternative.

But I can't do anything about that. I can only review my 180s.

Thanks a lot you guys. Are you in my time zone?

Mat, you sure are a quick study! However, I think you are assuming too much, too negatively, and too soon.

I was at this for over 2 years, and gave my m a "10% chance of working out" to my sisters at the time. I meant that too.

But hey, here we are. Check my timeline below in my signature.

Plus I had a wonderful DB coach and a great pro marriage counselor, who were very helpful.

I AM interested in YOUR take on the m. You sound as if you agree with most of what your w says about how you two lacked passion and romance, and that in effect you were/are like "friends."

If that is true, is that what you wanted THEN? What do YOU want now?

How do YOU think you could get there, with her? (Assume she wants to try, for the sake of discussion).

What would YOU Do differently with her? And with yourself?

How would YOU behave differently and how would you treat her differently?

Get at least a few details in your head clarified to know what it would look like.

Hang in there, I need to read the rest of your thread. But it is certainly too soon to quit. Really.

But sure, You can fake acceptance of the situation ("respecting her wishes")

but don't discount the chance that she would like you to fight for her. Craving passion is not a bad thing, per se.

Meanwhile, watch some TED TALK videos. They are on youtube. One is by Amy Cuddy on "Faking it til you Become it" and Shawn Achor on Positive Psychology". They are each about 20 min long and entertaining. But there is ample empirical evidence supporting their theses, so DO watch them and see what you glean from them to help you.

It's tough stuff but it's so worth it and they lay out the path.

More later...


Edited by 25yearsmlc (19 minutes 38 seconds ago)
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M: 30 yrs
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Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

[Mat]

Hi again,

So I think that my W didn't believe I loved her, as I was not connecting with her and emotionally distant. She's come to accept that I did, through the things I did for her (I would do favours, help her with everything, run errands, get her things, give her gifts, solve her problems - including ones she DID want me to solve!).

But now, she wants "something else".

I agree that there was a "something else" to be had, and I just wish that we could give ourselves the chance to learn how to provide it for each other.

I think I mentioned before that this isn't what I wanted either. A marriage where we only talked of mundane things, where I struggled to show interest on the same stories every day. I would have liked a marriage where I was able to get involved in her life and interest to a point, and she in mine. But to a certain extent we were trying to do that. What killed us was the lack of romance. Neither of us grew up with such examples in our households, and we have issues with affection. To overcome that we would have had to make a coordinated and conscious efforts to create new habits of the heart, if you will.

I want a marriage where she shows interest in some of what I'm interested in. I would have to let her into my world a bit more for that.

This is probably what she's found in the other guy. as I mentioned before he's quite sirupy and the texts he sent her show that. She simply went to get that "something else" that we could never give each other.

This is pretty much her interpretation of what went wrong as well, as I was saying.

As I mentioned to her, if she was willing to work on the marriage it wouldn't mean that we'd be able to get back together, necessarily. We'd have quite a job to do.

[Old Dog]

Man - they're not paying me to advertise counsellors. This hour was worth it! Especially since mine found and read my thread beforehand. Saved a lot of time!

All in all, I didn't do THAT bad. No techniques would have worked at the moment, and things I say make their way through her head, slowly.

I'll download more from my notes from the session when I have more time in case it helps anyone. And I'll go back to visiting other threads more assiduously. I know how much it helps.

How's going with you Mat?

That 'something else' is kind of elusive. Have you read Men are from Mars ... or 5 love languages? I've read the former and have got the latter in my queue.

I was very interested to hear that your phone experience was so good.
Did you write notes as you went along or record it somehow?
If you do post some notes, I'm sure people will be all over them.
Did you just get one session? I looked up the exchange rate and reckoned it must be about £105.
You have to phone them though, so is the cost of the call extra?

Sorry for so many questions all at once: it's just that I'm leaning towards it now.

Old Dog xx

[25yearsmlc]

Man - they're not paying me to advertise counsellors. This hour was worth it! Especially since mine found and read my thread beforehand. Saved a lot of time!

All in all, I didn't do THAT bad. No techniques would have worked at the moment, and things I say make their way through her head, slowly.

I'll download more from my notes from the session when I have more time in case it helps anyone. And I'll go back to visiting other threads more assiduously. I know how much it helps.

How's going with you Mat?

That 'something else' is kind of elusive. Have you read Men are from Mars ... or 5 love languages? I've read the former and have got the latter in my queue.

Sounds to me exactly as if you spoke in a love language NOT hers...so do read The Five Love Languages asap. It sounds as if you are an "Acts of Service" type and she is a "quality of time" woman. Not sure, just based on a few of your comments.

The idea that for YOU TWO to work this out would take so much work, makes it seem hopeless from YOUR standpoint. So why would she be motivated to take that on? Why not just stay with OM if you cannot become more romantic or connect with her at a deeper level?

For that matter, since 90% of women want a deep emotionally connection,

(I happen to believe but cannot prove, that all women who are capable of a deep emotional connection, WANT one with their mate)

why wouldn't you want to learn how anyway?


I was very interested to hear that your phone experience was so good.
Did you write notes as you went along or record it somehow?
If you do post some notes, I'm sure people will be all over them.

I had a total of maybe 15 sessions and took notes from all of them. VERY useful and I usually wrote at least 2-5 questions in advance, to be sure I covered things that I thought were likely to come up soon. To be ready.


Did you just get one session? I looked up the exchange rate and reckoned it must be about £105.

Here it ends up being about $150 per session, which is actually about what we paid here, or a little less. But it's a lot more precise advice. At least for me it was. Plus it was the most effective help I got. And I got a lot.

You have to phone them though, so is the cost of the call extra?



Do you mean, are THEY picking up the cost of a long distance call? No they don't.

So maybe get a cheaper phone rate (I have unlimited long distance to all 50 states and a huge discount for 5 countries--like a few cents a minute. So the whole call would cost less than $2 ) or buy a phone card for overseas calls,

or use a computer. When my h was deployed to the Middle East, he had an iPad and for $30 he bought a "magicJack", and combined they were successful calling me on my landline, MUCH MORE than the military phones,

(not to mention him not having to call in front of a line of soldiers)

But fyi, No therapist I know, will cover the cost of your phone bill. If that's what you're asking.


Sorry for so many questions all at once: it's just that I'm leaning towards it now.

Old Dog xx

I strongly advise in favor of using the DB coaches.

You buy the package of 3 (last I checked it's cheaper that way) and if you only find it as good as a private therapist where you are, you won't have lost anything.

But qualified therapists who are PRO marriage---harder to find than you think---cost us a little MORE than DB coaches at the package rate...

Of course the cheapest are the ones your insurance will cover.
But there is no guarantee they will be pro marriage OR solution based.

Speaking for my situation only, I didn't find any T's that were on our insurance plan, who were also pro marriage AND solution based.

MANY therapists re-hash the past (I mean, digging into childhood stuff and not just for background, which I can understand. But for "insights" that some of us have already processed decades ago, and I really wanted a "help me NOW" approach...

and even fewer are in favor of trying to save a marriage. My suggestion is based on my experience only, and what I have heard from others about their DB coaching sessions.

Give the DB coaches a try and then if it does not help, at least you won't have left a stone unturned, let alone b/c of money.

And if they DO help you, is there any better way to spend your money than on getting expert pro marriage solution based advice for saving your marriage?

I think not.

Just my .02

[Old Dog]

I think your 2 cents is worth more than that 25. In fact maybe 25.

I'm in the UK, so many of us don't have private health insurance. My company does have a scheme which is paying for 6 sessions with an SBT counsellor. She was the one who recommended DB to me when I went to see her the first time, though she's not completely familiar with it as she didn't know about DR. After that though I'll have to fork out and I have to change my counsellor - rules pah!

But as you say, is there any better way of spending your money to save your marriage?

If you've got some spare time 25, perhaps you could nip over to my thread and save some room here for Mat.