WAH - next chapter

[LisaB]

Hi DBers!
Starting a new thread as some things have changed slightly. Here is the old one. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473357&page=1

Summary of the facts: H moved out 1 month ago. Said ILYBNILWY etc etc. Found out later that there was OW/EA at work who was also a friend of mine. PA started the day he moved out I believe...don't know if it continued or not.

So today I called out my H on the OW. I know I know, not supposed to do that. But the time was right and I just calmly stated I heard they were dating. He denied it and was super angry that someone would spread lies about him. (they may not be "dating" but I know for a fact they were sleeping together a few weeks ago at least, and lots of people saw them together)

His reaction was interesting. Very angry and aggressive.

I was calm and said it was none of my business since we are not together.

He said he is not dating her, but he is online dating. He told me he was mad that someone would try to hurt me by telling lies and that he is trying to be a good ex-husband. !!??

He seemed very angry, defensive and aggressive but I remained calm for the most part. And mostly I just agreed with him and didn't let what he said bother me.

We had been trying to arrange a time to meet for drinks (the first time we'd meet or even speak since he moved out) but hadn't found an opportunity. He seemed to feel rejected because when he asked I always said I was too busy, maybe later. His rejection came across as bitter and angry.

I remained calm and said I could meet tomorrow. So that is that. We meet tomorrow.

If any of you have been following my saga I was very very nervous to meet him because I thought he would drop a bomb. Now it doesn't matter that much because I already called him out on it and I think I can handle the stupid things he is bound to say.

He seems to be regretful that he "had to" break up with me. And then angry about being accused of something hurtful he actually did, but lies and says he didn't. But he is talking like he still believes that we should not be together. Like it is hard but hey it is for the best. And he is throwing in my face that he is dating other people...but not the specific one I know he actually did sleep with...

Any words of advice from you vets out there?

I plan to be calm, relaxed and fun tomorrow and keep it superficial. Look pretty and be friendly and happy. I guess if he continues to talk about how he isn't dating the OW I should just pretend to believe him and change the subject?

I'd love some advice about his anger and denial and how he seems convinced that he did the right thing by leaving me... and how I should handle our first meeting.

Thanks in advance! Hugs, Lisa

[LisaB]

Hi DBers, I hear crickets here but I will keep writing in case someone has input for me or can get something from my situation.

I met with the WAH last night for the first time since we split. I made some mistakes but overall it went well and I was able to remain calm, happy, confident and relaxed.

The mistakes I made were that I was not mysterious, I did not cut the date short at all and I talked too much.

We had some drinks and talked about what is new in our lives. I sensed from the conversation that my H is confused. He wants his freedom and independence but is now not 100% sure why he split up with me. I think a part of him is considering "dating" me but that he is not sure I would be open to that, or that it is even a good idea. He is looking for a confident and independent woman, and I think he also wants to find independence within himself.

We talked a bit about the relationship and I said that I thought splitting up had been a good decision. (opening the cage) He seemed surprised and confused. I think he feels very guilty and when I seemed happy and fine he was confused.

We had a few drinks and some food at a restaurant and when we were parting he nervously invited me to his new apartment to see it. I should have said "maybe next time" but my curiosity got the better of me. I think his intention was to try to have s3x with me (I would not have) but when we got there he became withdrawn and his body language shut down completely. I remained friendly and relaxed.

Again, he seems quite confused, but acts like he is moving on with his single life because that is just what he has to do.

I'd love some advice! But I'll tell you what I plan to do.

1. not contact him at all
2. continue to GAL/180 (he was curious about my changes)
3. continue to be social/date others (I believe he is dating)
4. be friendly if we see each other but not too friend-zone
5. try to show my independence and confidence however and whenever I can

I'm looking at the situations of others on here that might be similar to mine to see if I can glean any tips.

Have a good day!
hugs, Lisa

[bashy]

Don't forget Sandi's rules. Definitely a big help. Oh, and don't worry about your mistakes. We all do it. Just learn from them the next time you get in a similar situation.

[LisaB]

Thanks bashy! I will reread them again!

[LisaB]

Help me my DB friends! I am not doing so great.

After our interesting first meeting this week, my H has been being friendly texting and communicating with me quite a bit. I have been staying cool.

Then today I got an email from a mutual female friend that she heard we are D.

H was interested in this woman when we met, but she was dating someone else. Right after that, he and I met and began dating, but there was always a flirtation between them. Eventually we all became good friends, but she and I more so. The flirtation bothered me and I brought it up to him and he denied it and told me I was basically crazy. However, other mutual friends saw it as well and after a long time he finally agreed that it was true that she liked him, but denied he had feelings for her.

Years pass, she and I become closer but he and she don't really stay in close contact. Today I get a message from her that he told her we split up. He is trying to meet up with her. He is telling her we had a friendly break up and that we grew apart and are going in different directions.

This rollercoaster is so awful! His behavior is so disgusting. He is now trying to hook up with ANOTHER of our mutual friends.

I'm not sure what to do! I want to kill him. I want to call him and scream at him. I'm losing it.

It sounds like I am in the friend zone. That is not where I want to be.

DBers please help me.
Hugs,
Lisa

[LisaB]

Hey DBers, in case anyone reads this, let me let you know what not to do.

You should follow the DB guidelines. Because guess what? I just showed my ex an emotional, crazy side of me and pushed him further away. I think we were close to possible reconciliation. He was open to spending time together, he was wanting to keep in touch. But I exploded with emotion and scared him away.

Now there is probably no hope. I blew it. So don't do that.

Just my words of wisdom. Have a great day!
Hugs, LisaB

[Zues126]

LisaB. I am so sorry. I know just how terrible this must feel right now.

As bad as this feels I'd urge you to not give up just yet. I'm not naive enough to think that sometimes the wrong thing at the wrong time can't create a butterfly effect that changes the tides, however we can't ever predict how others will respond. It's possible this is a set back, and one that even has unforseen positive consequences down the road.

Can you please give us more information about how this went down? What did you say? What was his response? How did it end?

Only you know when it's right to give up hope, but when you're discouraged and heartbroken and mad at yourself and feeling rejected...that's not always the best state of mind to steer your actions and outlook towards the future.

Please take care of yourself tonight and know you are a special person.

[LisaB]

Thank you Zues126 for your kind words.

I was doing really well with the DB techniques. GAL, 180s, and I was feeling ok. My H kept contacting me wanting to meet and I was terrified about it. Turns out I guess that instinct was right. I think it brought up too many feelings for me.

We met the first time and generally it went well. I managed to stay positive, calm and seem happy. He seemed cautiously interested.

As I mentioned above, a few days later I discovered that my H was trying to meet up with a mutual female friend, I assumed to flirt ..or more. On top of the OW I just could not handle this and I confronted him about both women over the phone. We had a huge fight and he claimed he had no such intentions with this woman, and mostly denied OW (again). Somehow through the fight we decided we should talk more about the R and how things happened with our split and agreed to meet in person yesterday.

During our long meeting I ranged between dramatic, angry, loving, calm and funny. I was all over the place. He was mystified. I confronted him on the OW and put all my cards out there. I explained how hurt I was by the lies and deception that happened when he left. He seemed sorry that his behavior had hurt me but again, he was not pleased with my erratic mood and accusations. At the end of the meeting I became quite clingy. A huge mistake!

He says he had fallen out of love with me because he no longer admired me, was bored and felt we were too dependent. He said we simply now have different goals in life. My crazy and clingy behavior probably didn't help that. He is also having some sort of identity crisis which is making him want to change everything in his life.

I feel so foolish. I think my DB work had been having a positive effect on him. He seemed very interested in what was going on with me. He also seems sad, lonely, confused. He's trying really hard to GAL but admits to sadness and loneliness. He's trying to date new women and fill the void, and says I am not easy to replace. So why is he trying to replace me?

The only thing I can do is go back to DB square one. But I feel so discouraged and disappointed in myself. I feel I have terrified the squirrel. And I don't know if there is any hope.

Thanks for reading.
Lisa

[watto14]

Hi lisa, I'm so sorry you're in this position, I too have had an attack of the crazies over the past 48 hrs, sometimes the emotions that are swirling around my head are just too much, and I explode. I'm going back to square one with db myself, I'm re reading from the start, I spent most of today flat or in tears, and unfortunately have been around h for most of the day, he seems sympathetic and even made me dinner, but I don't want him to see me like this.
There is always hope if you have hope, that's what I'm telling myself, I believe we can do this, it's just crappy being in it.
tour h sounds like he was starting to thaw, so don't give up, you've backslid a bit, but you can move forward and start fresh tomorrow, big hugs x

[LisaB]

watto14 thank you so much! I hate to hear you are having an emotional time but in some way it is good to hear that I am not the only one...

I too am crying and low today but I guess tomorrow might be better.

There are I guess a few possibly good things that came out of this emotional vomiting:
- I needed to get this stuff off my chest and he needed to hear it (even if he can't really hear it)
- he did sit and listen to me for hours so I guess he can't be that turned off to me, if he really was over me he would have said "enough" after only a short time (but possibly mostly guilt)
- I got to refute some of his ideas about why we should be split up, and say how untrue they are (again don't know if he can hear it but maybe)
- I got to hear that he is not happy, he wanted me to know he is sad
- I got to tell him that I wish he had taken "space" as he requested so that we had time to think and try, and not gone straight into D mode

I know all the above are completely against Sandi's rules and DB. But still I feel they had to get out there at some point. I never really made a fuss when he moved out or BD and I think he believed I was fine with all of it. I was not fine and now he knows that. And now maybe I can move on from these details and be cool again. Back to square one.

Read some about detaching and letting go and it helped a bit, maybe it'll help you to see it (again)? http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.