Thanks for this advice. I suspect she will do one of three things: deny, deny and deny; say that she wants to separate and get space, while still denying the A; finally she will ask for the divorce AGAIN but actually get a lawyer. None of those feel great. Given this guy is an ex boyfriend whom she loved, she probably has convinced herself she is in love with him. They is going to cloud her mind. I know what to say about scenarios one and two. I think my answer is the same for # 3: not what I want, we both have a lot to think about, I cannot stop her from filing for a D and that my first concern is our family and our kids.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Some other things to consider, if you have a beard, shave to a goatee. If you're clean shaven, consider growing it out. Change it up, but keep it clean. Always look your best.
The other question I have us: she may want to take the kids somewhere without me or plan something but not asked me about it (on Sunday). I assume that I don't go or ask to go, right? Play it cool and let her see that I have GAL?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Some other things to consider, if you have a beard, shave to a goatee. If you're clean shaven, consider growing it out. Change it up, but keep it clean. Always look your best.
The other question I have us: she may want to take the kids somewhere without me or plan something but not asked me about it (on Sunday). I assume that I don't go or ask to go, right? Play it cool and let her see that I have GAL?
Yep -- bingo. And when she gets back from that, you should either be not around or busy doing some long-neglected project or something.
The other question I have us: she may want to take the kids somewhere without me or plan something but not asked me about it (on Sunday). I assume that I don't go or ask to go, right? Play it cool and let her see that I have GAL?
Here is my two cents: She may decide to move out of the bedroom or get you to leave it. Don't you leave the Master Bedroom tell her she has to.
Don't get upset or beg her to stay in the bedroom.
Many women in affairs continue to consider themselves monogamous. The problem is they are monogamous with the AP!!!
And if hes anything like the AP I am dealing with HE WILL ACT LIKE HE IS The Husband and you are the OM!! Just saying..
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I have been doing a lot of thinking today and trying to put myself in her shoes. Specifically, let's assume that I was having the affair. I am picturing this picture perfect of a woman who loves me unconditionally, makes me feel like I am the only man on earth. I think or know that I love her. And when my W asks if I am having an A, I would deny it. I would almost be offended (how dare you). But if she started not really caring about me, did things without me and did not tell me where she was going, I would be somewhat perplexed. If she started to dress nice and look good, I would be more perpelxed. If I tried to push her buttons by taking the kids somewhere without her, and she said "have fun, I have stuff to do", I would be very perplexed. Shouldn't she be pining away for me? Shouldn't see beg me to come back? And when I was out with the OW and she didn't ask me where I was, I would be confused. By seeing these "good" qualifies in my wife, who is now not showing interest in me, I wonder if it would make the OW look less attractive?
If instead, she pursued me, or worked on the areas where I had issues (e.g., in the case of men, and to quote from his needs/her needs, sexually fulfillment and relationship companionship), I would find that to be desperate. So the same goes for me...I cannot provide to her the two basic needs of woman (affection and conversation) b/c that would seem desperate. But I can do the other three...honesty/openness, financial commitment and family commitment.
And by GAL and focusing on me, I actually will make her want to be with me (at least that is the plan). If she really loves the OM and wants to break up our M and hurt our kids over it, than I really cannot stop her.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Some mindreading in there, but I think you've mostly got it. Put much more simply, "People tend to value that which is difficult to achieve," as I say often here. Plus she needs to see and feel that "Sho is NOT okay with this." (soooooooo many people on these boards SAY THOSE WORDS -- "I will not live in an open marriage" -- but their ACTIONS shout otherwise!)
I'd be careful about the "financial commitment" part however. Do NOT do anything to make her overly comfortable in her current arrangement, or that enables her affair in any way. If she indicates she plans to basically fire you as her husband (by either making a legal move, or really just continuing in her affair even after she knows you know about it) . . . then you no longer have an obligation to protect her financially. She works and earns her own income, and she's going to need to start putting on her BGPs if this is the path she insists on continuing down.
