WAW having an A but she denies it #2

[ShockedOne]

Sho, there is a lot of info to be gained in reading Starskys sitch. Late 2009 I had him, Gucci, Coach, and AllanA all giving great advice to me. They were very influential in getting me through my tough times. The biggest thing I gained was the help in keeping me from taking any sort of doormat approach. I have great respect for all of them.

[Train]

I hope you have a lot of time

I hope so, too, sho. I started reading Starsky's threads on a rainy day when I was in the throes of my sitch. I honestly don't think I made it all the way through before my H was already back home!

Lots of valuable info in there.

[shodan]

you guys rock. Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. I may have some questions for you as we get closer to Saturday and I plan what I am going to do. On a positive GAL note, I had my first guitar lesson today. Rock on!

[Train]

YOU rock, buddy.

I've always thought I'd like to learn to play guitar.

What's the first tune you're gonna learn?

[shodan]

First tune that I will learn..i will be happy if i can learn a few chords. I love music, all kinds. But have no musical ability. But I am going to try.

As I read through these comments, and some of Starsky's thread (lot to read still), I do believe in the hard boundary. We cannot work on our R if my W has a OM. Her heart figuratively and literally won't be in it. I know she saw the changes in me. She commented "I feel like I am married to a stranger" and "this guy (pointing to me) is a lot of fun." She even said "all I wanted was 10% of this not 100%." But she then backed most of those comments with "I have nothing left, my feelings have changed." The PA is what is preventing her from opening her heart and working on our M. That needs to end. How will it end? When she decides to end it. When will that be? Who knows...maybe when she realizes how great her family is. But I do know that the more time she spends in NYC, the harder this will be to address.

So how do I continue to show her what she is missing? Be super fun around my kids. But where I struggle is what I can do with/to/around her? I did a lot of great things for during the past six weeks. Was that enough time to show her the "new me"? Over the past six weeks, I have put a small flower on her bedside table that I refresh every few days, bought her different bottles of wine that she has mentioned that she likes, made her some great dinners at home (and for the kids of course), brought her coffee every morning, bought her magazines from the store, and have spent a ton of time talking and connecting. Does all of that end? I think so. But any reinforcements on that point are appreciated.

[ShockedOne]

I grew up with a guitar in my lap. What type of music do you like?

[Oxford1]

First tune that I will learn..i will be happy if i can learn a few chords. I love music, all kinds. But have no musical ability. But I am going to try.

As I read through these comments, and some of Starsky's thread (lot to read still), I do believe in the hard boundary. We cannot work on our R if my W has a OM. Her heart figuratively and literally won't be in it. I know she saw the changes in me. She commented "I feel like I am married to a stranger" and "this guy (pointing to me) is a lot of fun." She even said "all I wanted was 10% of this not 100%." But she then backed most of those comments with "I have nothing left, my feelings have changed." The PA is what is preventing her from opening her heart and working on our M. That needs to end. How will it end? When she decides to end it. When will that be? Who knows...maybe when she realizes how great her family is. But I do know that the more time she spends in NYC, the harder this will be to address.

So how do I continue to show her what she is missing? Be super fun around my kids. But where I struggle is what I can do with/to/around her? I did a lot of great things for during the past six weeks. Was that enough time to show her the "new me"? Over the past six weeks, I have put a small flower on her bedside table that I refresh every few days, bought her different bottles of wine that she has mentioned that she likes, made her some great dinners at home (and for the kids of course), brought her coffee every morning, bought her magazines from the store, and have spent a ton of time talking and connecting. Does all of that end? I think so. But any reinforcements on that point are appreciated.

Hey Shodan,

Your Sitch sounds Similar to mine in a lot of ways.

Even though my WW still is in a relationship with OM, spends hours with him while he's here, but claims it's strictly am EA at this point actually tries to say it's just a strong friendship there is still an OM in my book.

One thing she asks of me is that we do things together that we always enjoyed as a couple, ( by the way I won't do these anymore until OM leaves the country).

For example she likes to go fishing, fly-fishing, hiking, biking, to the gym etc. These are perfect times to spend time together and show her the new me.

Maybe you can think of things like that if she is willing to spend time with you alone.

As an aside, except for the gym thing, none of the other stuff is "scheduled" we may just wake up and I'll say hey do you want to go fishing today, or she has a few times asked me to dinner.

It seems to work better when it's spontaneous, I don't know about you but in my case if I scheduled stuff and plans changed or the place we were going messed up it would cause unnecessary anxiety , but if it's spontaneous and plans change it's much easier to brush off and move on to the next idea . Just my 2cents.

[shodan]

Ox, thanks for your involvement on my thread. Really appreciate it.
How do you balance doing things with her with knowing that the OM is in the picture?

[Oxford1]

Ox, thanks for your involvement on my thread. Really appreciate it.
How do you balance doing things with her with knowing that the OM is in the picture?

It's really hard to hang onto the roller coaster.

OM lives 6500 miles away. There's a small little war in his country right now.
It was she who asked the IC she was seeing if she would see me as well, this IC is a MC who is pro-marriage and very spiritual.

The MC has been helping me deal quite effectively.

So when the OM is not here she was sleeping in my bed and holding me at night etc, she told MC that she enjoys doing things with me.
All she does with OM is go out to eat , go for walks and listen to him talk and talk and talk, and then he shuts down and they just sit quietly and " reflect"

So apparently I am fulfilling a lot of emotional needs that he is not.

I am trying to be as Plan A as I can be when I am around her. Now I am starting to try and apply the MWD 180 more.

It's not hard to be around someone when you love them.
The MC believes that I am on an upward trajectory and OM is on a downward one.

She believes I am moving up faster then he is moving down which she says is typical because the WW worried that her " old husband" will show up once OM is gone.

The truth is when she went to his country the last time I went no contact with her for all 15 days , she came home asked me to leave the bedroom and said she was moving out for one month to get her head together.
Within 24 hours I had never left the bedroom and she decided she was " never" leaving the house.

At that point I decided I needed to become the husband no woman would want to leave.

Now with the OM here it's way way hard. She insists she's more like his cousin, that she meets him near her office and then they only go to public places. As of now everything does fit that pattern.

She says she moved into our guest room because she does not want to be in bed with any man and does not want to lie or manipulate anymore.

One thing I will tell you, she now kisses me on the mouth every night and says " goodnight, I love you"

I have not said "I love you in over two weeks". I never understood MWD's suggestion to not say it, but believe it or not I heard it right from my WW!

" I am so sick of that word, OM uses it so much it makes me want to PUKE, and Besides I know for sure how much you love me I would not care if I never heard I love you again"

Well that was the last time I ever said it! She knows how much I do, if I didn't I would be gone

So I have decided to not Train with her on the weekend and to only do roommate things..example go food shopping , clean eat dinner at home, until OM leaves.

I apologize for the mini story but I wanted you to see if anything fits what you are dealing with.

25 posted the names of two videos on my thread for me to watch the one on "Fake It to you become it" made a MAJOR impact on me since I watched it.

[shodan]

question for everyone...she knows I know about the A. I drew that line that I don't want to live in an open M but I also want to work for my M and my family.

To that end, should I make the most of the time when she is here and plan a few fun family things but do nothing romantic for her. Or, does that send the wrong message that I am not standing strong and honoring what I said to her (that I know about the A and that she needs to end it so we can work on our M)?