Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[Riley]

Wish,

I won't break you down like some of the other posts, but there are things I think you should consider:

If you have read DR check out "Start with a Beginner's Mind." I think the other posters have preached to you the idea of "knowing what you know" and changing that to "challenge all your assumptions."

I am not expert on Islam and the faith, but I do know the ideology is to respect women, and prevent men from ogling/coercing men by covering up all of their body except for their eyes. This is very traditional, and some countries still follow this tradition (Afghanistan, Turkey, Iran). Some Muslim majority countries do allow women to wear "Western" style clothes which include Iraq. If you love your W then, guess what? You can choose between customs and love my friend.

I think some people may not be familiar with Islam and Muslims but with my work experience I have had some interaction and I can say I have some, but limited exposure.

So, my recommendation to you is this and it is NOT an easy decision; you will have to allow certain un-traditional ideas to happen to your W and in your home, or you can find a new wife with a more similar ideology to allow a more seamless cohesion.

I do not recall reading that your W was Muslim as well, but if she is not then this culture shift will be a HUGE thing to deal with.

To state for the record, I have no problems with respecting Islam and Muslims in general. Just know that your opinion, if religious in nature, will be a challenge in a Western culture, the UK is no exception.

If she came back DO NOT SCREW IT UP, but do sacrifice ideas if you really want your W back. The choice is yours. Good luck friend.

[1Wish]

I dont expect her to cover herserlf. I wldnt want her covered head to toe.. im not that kind. I just wish she would dress conservatively and reserved rather than looking like shes single if that makes sense.

[MrBond]

So in other words, you never went to C even though everyone here highly encouraged it. Your sister doesn't count. Proves you haven't and don't want to change.

"sis: Bad idea, you want to look back and see that you've acted rational and that you did everything you could. You need to start changing yourself from now, not tomorrow, not next week. Acting irrational will mean undoing everything you've changed so far"

Do you realize that this is the SAME advice EVERYONE here has been giving you since you came on this site? But you just don't listen.

"I feel like this experience has changed me fully."

No it hasn't. You're still lazy and don't want to change. Hate to be brutally honest to you ,but it's the truth. What is ONE thing that you've done based on the recommendation of the posters here? Just one.

"I just wish she would dress conservatively and reserved rather than looking like shes single if that makes sense."

Perfect example. You still want to control her. It's her body, she has a right to dress however she wants to. If she wants to dress the way you would like her to, it's still HER CHOICE. It's like when you called her shorts sl*tty months ago. Shows your unwillingness to change and that you just want an easy shortcut to get your W to follow what you want to do. Stop denying that. It's so obvious.

[1Wish]

No i did, but i went about three sessions and felt like it wasnt helping me at all. The advice i got here was.


I guess i didnt listen but there has been a lot that i have as well. Ive selectively posted all my wrong doings to be critisized.

I had stopped arguing back and took her side and avoided conflict. All my arguements i spoke in calm tones and in ways that were caring and understanding.

I got myself a better job, i stopped fully neglecting her, yes maybe to a point where i was smothering her. I tried to fill her love bank as it states in 5 love languages.

Yeah your right i do want to control her. But i dont realise it why!? Ffs.. i even said i hope you dont get with anyone within a yr n a half id be really upset.

I realise things too late.. because Thats trying to control her even when we wont be together and thinking of myself. I also realise to counteract that would be not to mention anything. Not say stuff like i hope you find someone and be happy. Or am i wrong here?

I really want to detach and i find it sooo damn hard to.

I have reflected back and ive seen that im very controlling which has gone down.. honest to god it really has. My insecurity however, hasnt. Its so bad and i dont know how to hold back from that urge why oh why?

I need to learn to shut up.. i listen and use i statements. I havmt galled properly, ive lived in the fear that i dont have much time left with her so spend as much as i can. It is the fear that stops me. I also know thats to do with me and i have fear because i choose to, its all in the mind.

Im usually almost always upset and have no character left in me.. i have no self confidence and feel totally worthless, i feel like i will never get a girl like her again. I feel like i will be alone. I also know its not healthy to put her up on a pedestal but then i start resenting her. Why cant i find a middle ground, why cant i be normal!!!!???

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Riley]

I won't break you down like some of the other posts, but there are things I think you should consider:

If you have read DR check out "Start with a Beginner's Mind." I think the other posters have preached to you the idea of "knowing what you know" and changing that to "challenge all your assumptions."

I am not expert on Islam and the faith, but I do know the ideology is to respect women, and prevent men from ogling/coercing men by covering up all of their body except for their eyes. This is very traditional, and some countries still follow this tradition (Afghanistan, Turkey, Iran). Some Muslim majority countries do allow women to wear "Western" style clothes which include Iraq. If you love your W then, guess what? You can choose between customs and love my friend.

I think some people may not be familiar with Islam and Muslims

Riley, if you read his whole thread, you'll find where Iwish says he is "NOT religious". He does "not follow the [tenets] of the Islamic faith".

Granted, I suspect his cultural biases affect him and his family more than he may realize, but there really is no theological debate here.

So in my opinion, this part of the discussion is off point, was covered earlier, and is distracting.

I believe 1wish. Also, there is so much work for this young man to become who he says he wants to become,

I'd stay on the DB principles and not theological ones, b/c they simply are Not key to this. IMNSHO

[Riley]

25years,

I do agree that some cultural biases are in play here. I was not trying to derail the thread, just approaching 1Wish differently.

[MrBond]

"No i did, but i went about three sessions and felt like it wasnt helping me at all."

And that's your problem. Even on here, when you didn't agree with the advice, you didn't listen. You can learn something ESPECIALLY from the advice you don't agree with. Those are the ones that usually strike a nerve that we don't want to touch.

"The advice i got here was."

Again, total BS because you never listened.

"I guess i didnt listen but there has been a lot that i have as well. Ive selectively posted all my wrong doings to be critisized."

Again, you only pick and choose what you want to do. That doesn't work. It's either you're fully committed or not. That's why you never succeeded.

I had stopped arguing back and took her side and avoided conflict. All my arguements i spoke in calm tones and in ways that were caring and understanding.

"I got myself a better job, i stopped fully neglecting her, yes maybe to a point where i was smothering her. I tried to fill her love bank as it states in 5 love languages."

Is this the 5 love languages website? NO it's Divorce BUSTING. You stopped listening when you thought you had her. You never followed through on the counseling and you especially never learned to listen to her. You just nodded your head and agreed with everything she said which we told you NOT to do. LISTENING is different than just HEARING. You were hearing words from her but never bothered to actually listen to what she meant.

"Yeah your right i do want to control her. But i dont realise it why!? Ffs.. i even said i hope you dont get with anyone within a yr n a half id be really upset."

Gee, maybe a C would have helped you with that. But you didn't want to do it.

"I realise things too late.. because Thats trying to control her even when we wont be together and thinking of myself. I also realise to counteract that would be not to mention anything. Not say stuff like i hope you find someone and be happy. Or am i wrong here?"

You are totally wrong. the way to counteract it is to actually LISTEN to her. If she wants to wear shorts, let her. If she wants to talk to another guy, let her.

"I have reflected back and ive seen that im very controlling which has gone down.. honest to god it really has."

Yet you're upset at her dressing in a way (as you put it) that makes her seem single. Why don't you go ahead and put a dog leash on her or better yet, tattoo you name on her forehead so that people know she's yours?

"My insecurity however, hasnt. Its so bad and i dont know how to hold back from that urge why oh why?"

Counseling!

"I need to learn to shut up.. i listen and use i statements. I havmt galled properly, ive lived in the fear that i dont have much time left with her so spend as much as i can. It is the fear that stops me. I also know thats to do with me and i have fear because i choose to, its all in the mind."

No I really think it's that you don't want to change. or are too lazy to.

"Im usually almost always upset and have no character left in me.. i have no self confidence and feel totally worthless,"

Counseling!

"i feel like i will never get a girl like her again. I feel like i will be alone. I also know its not healthy to put her up on a pedestal but then i start resenting her. Why cant i find a middle ground, why cant i be normal!!!!???"

Because you haven't made the point and commitment to change.

[25yearsmlc]

Iwish,

There is no shame in needing professional help to get some TOOLS for NEW problems. (New tools would be nice).

Most of us got help, me included.

Why wouldn't we avail ourselves of one of the resources out there these days?
Get yourself into some counseling. And don't skimp on it. Talking to your sister is healthy but its' NOT the same as"going to counseling" and you cannot pretend is is.

I guess I don't understand your resistance, but it's real. You need to overcome the resistance to change and MAKE the changes. Talk is cheap. Time to act and have some follow thru.

Go for it, Iwish, make the changes happen, or let her go.

[1Wish]

I got a msg between her and her friend.

I got it because i wanted you guys to know what she says about me to her friends.

Unedited:

05/10/2014 12:24:24: Humaira H: Uno wot yh this divorce thing is really getting to me now
05/10/2014 12:24:54: Humaira H: To see him with another gyal its unbearable... His already started talking about other gyals with his boys on the fne


*no i spoke to my friend about his night and he mentioned a girl that went to our school and i just asked how she is now...

05/10/2014 12:25:31: Humaira H: Hurts so much that i wnt get to hold him again that ill come home to an empty home from now on.. No one to cook for
05/10/2014 12:27:48: Humaira H: Thats my husband right there who iv been with four years... It kills so much i wish it could have worked out
05/10/2014 12:29:24: Humaira H: I actually dnt wana loose him henni...
05/10/2014 12:34:30: Henni New: Yeahh i understand that it really is something u would know cuz this marridge is beyond stable there is hardly any trust the lies the minipulation the simple communication..hes a dick for not appreciate what he has with u when hes talkin to his mates abt girls he was never ready for a commitment like married bbe
05/10/2014 12:36:07: Humaira H: Yh tru
05/10/2014 12:36:50: Humaira H: Uno thers things abt him that i wont find in any other person n that really hurts some else will have him as this great person - something that i deserved but never got
05/10/2014 12:37:09: Humaira H: I still love him despite everything n letting go is just killin me inside so much!
05/10/2014 12:37:56: Henni New: But obv its not something that can be forgotten all the years u have been with him...however u feel think about the fact that hes not reapecting thenfact that he cnt even respect his own wife..hes not ready bbe and neither was u
05/10/2014 12:38:51: Henni New: I know bbe
05/10/2014 12:39:17: Humaira H: Yh i kno we wee too young... Just wish it hadnt come to this coz this is like most pain full thing eva...
05/10/2014 12:40:52: Henni New: I really do understand its been years hes the one u thought u wud spend ur life with...but is this the life u want to live in..no trust no respect not even stand up for nor respect that hes still ur husband and talkkin abt girls to his boys is more than a diss to u
05/10/2014 12:42:16: Henni New: Yeah i think movin too fast is when this happens u both still figuring out who u r as individuals and movin in and sharing that with a person that aint ready is big
05/10/2014 12:43:22: Humaira H: Yh ur ryt
05/10/2014 12:43:46: Humaira H: His starte talkin to his boys hu keep telling him to come late at nyt to go camden and clubbing and shyt

*this is true.. they say i need to let her go and go out and feel happy again.. not to get with a girl or have a one night stand

05/10/2014 12:43:59: Humaira H: Like he can do that once his single but why let me be aware of it

*im really loud on the fone and the whole time i kept sayin to my friend im not ready for that, thats not me not anymore. I wanna progress further not go backwards.. they say yh but you should go out here and there so you dont think about it.


05/10/2014 12:43:43: Henni New: whatever u do bbe do it for u and not for him nor anyone else ur the one getting hurt and lost along the way
05/10/2014 12:45:25: Henni New: Yeah thats what i mean by too young and immature to be in such relationship its like girls to talk to their girl mates about their crushes "trying to make u jealous" come on ur his wife i think not any girl
05/10/2014 12:48:11: Humaira H: Yh
05/10/2014 13:23:32: Humaira H: I just pray to god that he gives me the strength to get thru this... He hasn't even left yet and im already crying every other secnd
05/10/2014 13:24:28: Humaira H: I rate ur sister man shes got kids aswell

[25yearsmlc]

Iwish

Remember the last time you posted a whole LONG texted conversation between you and your w?

MANY folks told you then how hard it was to read. IT's VERY HARD

and it is interesting that you forgot how much it turned us off. We all asked you NOT To do this again. See, most people will NOT Read it all.

You SHOULD EDIT this.

I cannot understand about half of what your wife is saying. English is my first language and I used to teach College English Composition. But these abbreviations are foreign to me & they make it so I have to decipher it and put so much effort just into trying to understand it. It really is like a foreign language to me.

I'm having a very hard time reading the whole thing I THINK the first few comments indicate that she will miss you.
Right?

Why don't you translate a FEW of the most relevant comments she made that you think are important?

Make it easier for us to read, please. Seriously.