Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

It looks like I hit the single thread post limit.

Previous Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2470242&page=11

[BigMac]

I need your guys help and advice discussing the OP with my W and some challenges that happened last night.

I've been working through the process of detaching, including traveling to the new town for the past couple days checking out neighborhoods and getting comfortable with the new city. It turns out that I absolutely love the new city and am really excited about living there.

While you can see on the board that I am cycling, I have been making real progress on dealing with things. This trip was actually key to that. I keep feeling that everything is out of my control, and I need to keep getting my life back on track.

So here is my question. My W still hasn't admitted that she is in a R with the OP. She has been hiding that, and a couple other things from me, her family and our friends.

The last couple interactions with her she has been very tense, including the lunch she invited me to yesterday where she was visibly grimacing at the beginning.

Last night, she called me up furious because my MIL thought I insulted her (she is watching the kids, I came home and found my D16 smoking weed, and my S8 watching it and seeing MJ edibles out on the counter. I told the MIL that I didn't think that was appropriate and took the stuff and threw it away. My MIL called the W telling her that I demeaned her and was talking to her like a child).

The W calls up furious, demanding that I apologize to the MIL. I defaulted into the afraid of the W's anger and placating. I should have just stayed quiet and took it, though this was the first time that the W has outwardly been hostile angry since the first week or two after separation.

One thing I noticed is that as the R with the OP gets more serious, the tension from the W gets higher and higher. Knowing my W very well, it's because she is guilty and afraid. She tends to withdraw and get very angry at me when she is hiding something. (and she is currently hiding credit card she opened (and blew up) as well as the R with the OP.

So, the advice I am looking for.

I want to tell her this -

I've known about known about the OP, and the CC. While I am not happy with a couple things, We both have a right to find happiness in whatever way we choose.

I choose to show compassion, and have empathy. I choose not to control her, because it only hurts me. I choose to remember the 14 years of friendship, and act as a friend first.

It's been really hard for me to find the confidence to go out alone, to start to be at ease with myself. If I was in her situation (a beautiful woman, in a new town without many past friends), I probably would have broke and found someone to hold me on those lonely nights.

The bottom line, we both deserve happiness, we both deserve the chance to find ourselves. I don't want either of us to have the added stress, and worrying about what will happen when the elephants in the room finally comes out. Lets just get it out, accept it for what it is and move on to working on our co-parenting skills and each of our personal happiness.

## end proposed W talk ##

So, is this a good way of dealing with it? I don't feel I should avoid it. As her R with the other person has heated up, she has both withdrawn from me (which is fine and appropriate, and will happen anyways) but more importantly has become a bit more hostile.

Looking for advice here before I act.

So yes, I don't like it. It hurt when I found out. I'm worried about how it will affect the kids. But being all stressed about it doesn't help anyone or anything.

[Nettles]

I've been working through the process of detaching, including traveling to the new town

How is that detaching? Read this:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

My W still hasn't admitted that she is in a R with the OP. She has been hiding that, and a couple other things from me, her family and our friends.

So is W supposed to tweet "I'm in an R with OP!"? And you seem to know a lot about what's going on with OP. Is this from social media? If so, is W really hiding it?

Last night, she called me up furious because my MIL thought I insulted her

Practice looking at things from other's POV on communication. There are two components, content and delivery. The basic content sounds valid, but how was the delivery? Is it unreasonable to think that a rational person would have been insulted? Could delivery be an issue you have? I recall an admission about how you handled W's weight.

I defaulted into the afraid of the W's anger and placating.

Yeah, I've been down this sorry road of blaming other factors. I started to recover when I thought of the phrases "I choose to" and "I choose not to". I control me. You control you. Whatever your reaction to this was, it was your choice.

One thing I noticed is that as the R with the OP gets more serious, the tension from the W gets higher and higher. Knowing my W very well, it's because she is guilty and afraid.

Sorry, but you don't know that. That's mindreading.

she is currently hiding credit card she opened (and blew up)

I assume you have proof and that isn't mindreading. You need to protect yourself ASAP. Have you talked with a L? I can give you the name of shark or a collaborative L in Austin if interested.

I want to tell her this -

I've known about known about the OP, and the CC. While I am not happy with a couple things, We both have a right to find happiness in whatever way we choose.

I choose to show compassion, and have empathy. I choose not to control her, because it only hurts me. I choose to remember the 14 years of friendship, and act as a friend first.

It's been really hard for me to find the confidence to go out alone, to start to be at ease with myself. If I was in her situation (a beautiful woman, in a new town without many past friends), I probably would have broke and found someone to hold me on those lonely nights.

The bottom line, we both deserve happiness, we both deserve the chance to find ourselves. I don't want either of us to have the added stress, and worrying about what will happen when the elephants in the room finally comes out. Lets just get it out, accept it for what it is and move on to working on our co-parenting skills and each of our personal happiness.

And what results from this discussion?

[BigMac]

I have not had the discussion yet, I am getting advice from people. I am focusing on doing things "the right way" at least with positive outcomes. Part of that is thinking before I speak and act.

Also, me going to the new town was a mental thing for me. Early on she had sad she decided that she was moving to the new town (1800 miles away). I had been feeling like the tip of the whip, and I needed to be cool with the move personally.

The only way of doing that was to go out exploring neighborhoods, meet up with some friends there, and have a PMA about it. It turns out that I love the town, and I think i'll do really well there (I am lucky enough that I can work anywhere in the world).

And yes, I have a credit card statement that made its way to the house. This has been an ongoing issue over our marriage, compulsive spending. Basically W was never content with anything, always wanted more. Always compared herself to others vs being confident in the life we built and what we had. It is a sickness, and I supported it. I have a huge responsibility in creating that monster.

Now, she wants more young life, or more OP, etc etc. Regarding the OP she was getting very sloppy on social media, and posting stuff. She also got onto live TV while on dates, and multiple checkins during a weekend getaway. At this point, now that it is confirmed, i'm in live and let live mode.

She has a right to do what she can to help her find happiness, and so do I. At some point she may come out of this stupidity. Either way I have to focus on continuing my healing and growing through this. That is exactly what I have been doing.

I have unfollowed her on all social media

[Nettles]

My question wasn't what happened with the discussion, it was what is the point of having that discussion? What do you hope to accomplish with it?

That great that you unfollowed her. Now how often are you going to go look? You don't have to follow to see her stuff I bet. And OP? How often do you look at his stuff? And please tell me you aren't following him.

[BigMac]

The point of having the discussion is to get it out on the table. In the past W would get really really really angry when she was hiding stuff. The guilt that she felt would turn into resentment towards me. If I get it out and address it, she will blow up in the short term, but then at least just have her behavior, and not the anger from the guilt.

As for the OM I just had to check, I just unfollowed him (though now I just realize that he is apparently at the same conference as the W and me.

It looks like
1. No drinking at the conference
2. On avoidance plan for a bunch of different people
3. Just make it through every day without getting dragged into their crazy BS.

[BigMac]

Hey nettles, how do I contact you offline? I'd like to ask you some questions privately about your experiences

[Nettles]

No idea on how to do anything privately, and I'm not putting any personal identifying info on here. Sorry, but you can ask away here or on my thread. I have nothing to hide. If it is to tell me to bug off, just do it. Just trying to help.

If it is about my experiences, they are here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...758#Post2443758

You'll note that there was no OM in my sitch. Easily could have been though. And that isn't a comment on W, that is a comment on what I did and the way I treated W and the R.

So re: OM, I'm really at the limits of what I can offer. I do think you need to think through having that convo.

I'd suggest looking at posts from Starsky (vanquished OM) and MrBond (vanquished OM and provides tough love for those that want to be victims) and Sandi (gives a perspective you and I don't have).

[BigMac]

Nettles, I have nothing negative to say about you at all. You have been super helpful. I was just looking for a good divorce focused IC contact info in the Austin area for me, but didn't want to post it publicly.

[BigMac]

Day1 complete of attending a conference with the W and the OP.

My plan was / is
1. Have a txt discussion bringing the affair and the debt to a discussion between us so W wouldn't be all defensive around me.
2. Work out
3. Avoid drinking to much (I did have a beer before an evening run)
4. Make sure to surround myself with friends

We has a good txt convo about the secrets. She knew that I already knew (I had mentioned it to her mother in conversation a while back)

W agreed bases on my text of working on our friendship no matter what
W said she doesn't trust me with her emotions, or that I had her best interests in mind. And that she guess's that will take time.
W also said that she questions my "big changes" and that will take time.

When I finally got confirmation from her that she is in a R with the other man it hurt. In my heart I felt like that was a confirmation of the failure of the M. My head kicked in and logic told me that the OP is nothing she would normally like, that these affairs are shallow and don't last.

I chose to out myself first. I took a drive down do the coast, walked (and cartwheeled) down the beach. Sat on a log and wrote. Cried at the loss, and tried to focus on being me, not us.

Good or bad, I'm doing my best to live my life.

I have to sit and think about her replies, I think that her being honest with not trusting me with her emotions is a good step, and that her cutting off the OP (which for her is most likely a crutch for her self esteem) will be the last to go.