My confusing story

[Atsbaby]

July 2011 my H grandmother passed away. I was working in a residential facility for traumatized teens, and emotionally checked out. I figured this out in July and mentioned to H that I needed out of my job. H began head coaching S football league and started to pull away. H admitted in August that he was ILYBNIL and began an EA with team mom, who he later said he was in love with.

Sept, H said he wanted a divorce. I quit my job without discussing it with H. H moved in with friend in Oct 2012. I found another marriage program and began to implement the changes to help with my M. MIL was diagnosed with BC and required surgery after thanksgiving. H moved back in the next week.

Valentines day I received a beautiful poem and love letter so I felt things were still good. I felt H pull away again in late March2014. I am now in graduate school and unfortunately this was my focus, but I was told I had his support! When I asked what was up, H said he needed time to think and everything changed. I knew what was coming!

May 4th I received the "talk." I don't love you anymore, you are unattractive and I'm not happy. H stated we needed to divorce and should have 2 1/2 years ago, that I manipulated him back...WTF!

As I've begun this journey again, I have realized that H is actually going thru MLC. I began doing some research and found that he fits a lot of the criteria and symptoms. I noticed depression early in January, but did not pursue him in getting help. He knows I think he is suffering from depression, but refuses to seek help.

I'm pretty sure there is OW, but I haven't seen any proof, just intuition. Our sex life ended in April and H has been very distant. H visited an ATTY, but did not hire. He stated he wants an apt, but wants 50/50 custody agreed upon before he officially moves out.

6/27- took checkbook to reserve apt, but on 7/1 stated he did not get.
7/4- told me he would give me his schedule on Monday and that I could look it over as he is currently out of town. Did not receive his schedule.

I do want some advice/ opinions....I'm seeing a life coach to help me with my issues and get me on the right path, but she told me to file legal separation. I don't feel this is the right move. It will encourage him that I do want the divorce, right? Her reasoning was he has too much power and I'm going along with his decisions. As of right now, the only thing that has officially changed is him sleeping at a "buddy's house."

I just started reading DB and am ready to change my M to a better relationship. I married H for life, better or worse and H is in his worst ever! Hopefully this site will help me stay focused on the task at hand and help me stay committed through this rough time in our lives.

[Cristy]

The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Atsbaby]

Since I'm on moderation, and just now found my thread, I've been reading a lot of other posts. Everyone seems to say detach, GAL and follow Sandi's 37 rules. I feel I've started to do this. I actually joined a social group and began hiking with complete strangers...this is so not me! I love going weekly to get a break and have me time.

My H was out of town and when he would call, initially I would answer, but he would not really talk with me. I began letting the kids answer. Friday I took the kids on a mini vaca. I struggled a lot because H wasn't there and every where there were families...complete families. When we finished walking through the cave, we went back to the hotel for swimming again I struggled cause H is missing out on fun with his family. We returned the room after awhile and I came here to read about how others were handling things. After a while we returned to the pool and I just took some deep breaths and thought forget him, he chose this. I've been pretty good the past 3 days with detaching.

I still would like advice regarding the legal separation. I see LC tomorrow and would like to know how I can kindly tell her where to put that suggestion...I argued with her for 10 minutes about it. I still truly believe its a bad move.

[MrBond]

Are you still around?

[MrBond]

Are you still around?

[Atsbaby]

So I've screwed up, already again. H had been ignoring me and I was doing well detaching, at least I felt I was. I was following the 37 rules: if you initiate conversation, don't , let him. So H returned from out of town last night, I was working on homework and acknowledged him after he acknowledged me. I remained quiet and focused on him when he talked with me and validated him with what little stories he told me. After an hour and half with the kids, he left to his "friends house."

This morning I had a salesman come by and offered great deal on a vacuum (I've always wanted one of these), so I got it without talking to H. We still share everything, except for 1 credit card each. I put it on my card and figured I'd tell him when the time was right. Plus I'm using my financial aid to help pay for it.
He found it tonight and wanted to talk. He was more than ticked, so I apologized and told him. He said it was fine. I told him I wanted to call him, but he just ignores me and won't talk with me. H brought up that last night when he came home, I ignored him! What?? I said I acknowledged you when you said hi.

What am I doing wrong? I know he isn't himself always, but his clarity has really improved. Maybe he isn't going through MLC, maybe he is just WAH. I'm halfway through the DB and can't really figure out how to implement some of the techniques with him gone. I don't know what really went wrong or what I need to change...his response was: your like your dad and don't finish anything. What's that mean or imply? He also said I'm always trying to fix things...this means I'm always trying to fix him.

I saw a link on someone else's post regarding codependency and I believe that is what has happened to me. I used to be so strong and independent. Now I'm not. Good lord what do I do? I feel things are ok, but I don't want to guess what is going thru his crazy thoughts. He hasn't filed for divorce yet and hasn't locked down a place to live, but I may be pushing him that way now.

[Atsbaby]

Ok, so after sleeping on it and getting the emotion out of the way, I think I get it. The rule actually worked.

1. H noticed I did not initiate conversation, which caused him to have an emotional reaction ( even tho it was neg)
2. H noticed that I wasn't pursuing him like I have been
3. In his eyes, I'm moving forward and acting as if

Man detaching is hard! I can see now why I can read others posts and know what to do in their situation because I'm not emotional in their lives!

[Atsbaby]

Ok now I'm more confused than ever! My LC is telling me to pursue H, but every thing I've read thus far tells me to not pursue and work on myself. How do I know which way will work?

I feel like I tried the pursuing and he gave me negative feedback, " stop doing that, or don't touch me." LC is saying since Sunday night H noticed I didn't initiate and commented, that he was giving me permission to pursue the contact. I wish I could afford to contact the counselors here! Maybe in a month or so...

I did pick up DR at the store today. I didn't finish DB, but will continue to read both and hopefully my posts will start showing up so I can get advice and thoughts

[MrBond]

How much of DB have you read? If you've followed along, you will see that this is just normal behavior for the WAS. Don't let it get to you. He is going to say the most outrageous stuff to you and look at you as if you were the one who was crazy.

If he gets into your face, and keeps attacking you, stop him by looking at him square in the eye and tell him that you will not be disrespected by him. And then walk away. Bullies don't like it when people fight back.

[Atsbaby]

Thanks for the advice! I noticed a few months ago that H was acting very bully like, towards me and the kids. I put him in his place over a comment he made to our S but I've not stood up to him for myself. I guess that is one of my own issues. I never want to fight with him, so I let it go.

I'm going through the goal setting chapter in DB. I'm struggling with this, even though I know stuff that I want to change, I would like H to add to what his perception of me should change. H won't tell me any reason why he wants out...ILYBNILWY, I'm unhappy and I don't find you attractive. When I've asked why, his response is " I knew you were going to ask that" then he shuts down.

H is the only person that I struggle with in patience. Ironically, I'm a behavior coach for kids and understand a lot of the things he's doing. I'm just too emotionally involved!