Tarheel is right. All of our changes we work on are for the better. The W may not notice, but other people do notice. I have had people comment on my PMA and how i listen and help them. Validation from someone is better than validation by none. We continue our marathon knowing that it will end. What is at the finish is the question. It may take awhile.
I have friends who were divorced for a few years and are now happy and back together. To quote a Chinese parable, "Who knows what is good or bad". We need to allow what is and continue on with our journey.
Another day down, getting easier by the day to focus on me and not her. I took the D's to my folks and had a small bday party for oldest. Went fishing, took kids for a ride on the ATV, and enjoyed some peaceful country time. I really felt good today, and found myself actually focusing on the things I was doing. Then all if a sudden, oh yeah I'm missing something, but like I said getting better. Hopefully will continue to enjoy my D's and life in general.
Roid - It sounds like you've had a lovely day! I'm glad things are getting better, and that you're finding it easier. I'm happy you're finding room for forgiveness, too - this gives me some hope that I might also get there one day. Well done!
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Everybody is different on how they handle it all. It will get better as long as you want it to. And yes I have finally started to forgive myself, the hardest part, forgiving W will be easier if we ever got there, only because I have found some peace for me.
A question though. I got a bday gift from the FIL AND MIL, it was a fair amount if money, and I feel a bit bad for taking it. Is it okay to take it, should I not accept, am I over thinking it all. Just seems a bit odd, in the card, they said I could come down whenever I want and should just do it. Obviously I won't be doing that, but just has a weird vibe. Thoughts?
Another decent day. Picked up my kids, talked a bit about just life stuff nothing important. She did say she had a terrible float trip weekend. Got left behind with people she didn't know, and said there was a german shepherd there, I have 2 of them, and it made her sad. Which is funny, because she wanted the dogs more than me, but hasn't seen them since she left not even once in almost 4 months. How bad can you miss something, and not even want to see them, astounds me. But I was like oh well, didn't even acknowledge that it was painful other than oh yeah!! Getting easier by the day, I keep thinking and saying no matter what I can do it, I can find a new girl, find a new life, just enjoy what I have.
I actually took my kids to a waterpark yesterday. D5 and D1, if you have never done it alone, I suggest try it, they had a blast and I couldn't have had more fun myself. So glad I can finally say, I can take care of them all alone no matter what. Very good feeling indeed!!!
"Keep stuff straight be a good mom maybe be a good wife someday." The W was really struggling today got this text from her. To me this makes it hard to beleive that she wants anything to do with me at all. She forgot a homework assignment and something else, she was texting how bad life was, and how bad she was, and how she couldn't do anything right. I asked what everything consisted of when she texted she wasn't good at anything, that was the the response I got, and yes I deleted a couple of curse words.
I have no interest in being the one she just vents to when she is upset, because nothing is working out right for her. And yes it's hard not to want to help, hence the slip of asking what she meant. I just validated the rest, and kept it short. The pity party is getting old, and I hope she finds someone else to tell all her woes to, I am done completely. I don't even think it's worth validating all the stuff that she comes up with. How are you supposed to keep the road home lit, when it's full of potholes and wrecked cars? Oh well, I will be better, and I guess I have to accept that she will be this way for a very long time.
We were at my D's dance practice tonight along with her mom. It was weird to be there, first time being around her mom in a while, but she was so nice. All the pity, does it get better. Can I look forward to at least not having to even get the messages at some point? For all that read this, I hope your stich is going great, if not a happy ending together at least a happy ending apart!!
Havent said anything to W since then. I was doing so well, and then that day came along and seemed to ruin everything. Got me thinking about possible OM, or whatever the worst could be. I dont have the D's for a few days and want to get put and do some stuff for me for a change. May go out tomorrow night for a while, and try to find some people to hang out with. Really missing her since that convo the other day. So hard to just drop it all and love from a far. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I really want something good in life. There is no way, that is going to be the W. Those days are gone and over. I am getting to the point of thinking a D is the way to go for everything to be good. I don't think I am in a place to go out and get something else though either. At some point though there has to be a break. Yes this has been going on a short time for the separation, but our issues and me not being happy for almost 2 years.
I am getting happier, but I can't seem to shake the feelings for her. I don't want to know if she is seeing OM, or if she isn't, but every once in a while I see something or hear something, and I don't want to or mean to, but it's just everyday life things. That fact is tearing me up inside. I cannot deal with that, and do not want to. Lately I have even been thinking if ways to get back, but then I wake myself up and say why? That's not doing me or my kids any good. I am at a lose at what to do about it. I can't just ask or confront or spy, even if I could I couldn't handle it.
After all of this yes I want a D, and yes it will hurt and I will regret what I did for a while, but really you have got to be able to move on. I don't know though, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. It's been four months since she moved out and I still have days of horrible sadness. There are days of good, but it still overwhelms me from time to time.
I still haven't sold my house and the reminders associated with it are too much. However I am scared to move on. That next step is a mother. Would I take her back tomorrow yes, but I am not naive either. Just seems like 2 different paths are ahead, and I am setting at the fork, not knowing where to go. I also miss my girls something terrible too, and it's really just missing them more than her. That's gets me thinking that she isn't that important to me.
I so wish there was a way to be able to figure this all out, but there is not. I just have to make tough choices, but I am setting in the fork in the fetal position like a baby. I want out, no more fear, no more uncertainty, no more no more.
Yesterday was just a crummy day. Today I feel better and more focused. She sent some pics of our D's late Saturday night, I think that brought the emotions if not being with them to light even more. And I let it get the best of me on Sunday, didn't help I am fighting some viral thing the kids have too, and had a killer headache all day. I feel like not giving up today, so true on day to day changes.
No matter how hard we try, giving up is not as easy as it sounds. I don't want to give up, last night I cried after typing that note, and said you don't want to give up, you want to be selfish, and just take care of yourself. That's what got you in this mess to begin with. A person needs all of this during these times, no matter what happens, you can cry, you can yell, whatever it takes to make the days pass, but please try to remember, that I'm the end it's all worth it.
I need to find somebody that's going to tell me to quit being a pushover. Quit giving into to the urges to bring up the old R and quit saying anything that is not positive. I love my W and D's dearly, and want the best chance I can at getting us back together. Even though the end game is for us to be better, it's still about our families. 2 x 4's and then some welcome.
I texted her on Sunday and said I miss the girls, she offered to let me see them but would have been super late, so I said probably not best. I caved on a day last week when she was going a bit crazy and said that I can't help you if you don't help yourself! She was trying to figure out how to order checks for bank account, I get on and look for her it says to call, she said she tried before and didn't get that, so I said help yourself first. That upset her, but she kept texting about other stuff that was wrong too. So the tough love that day wasn't bad, but since them not much. I don't think I want to keep tough thing going too much, but maybe a little, it either sealed my fate or she woke up a bit.
She talked with me on phone about what my oldest D was doing in the lake, swimming jumping from dock, I told her I was so proud of her, and she said so was I, after that she sent me pics, and I screwed up again and said wish I was there. She said I know, and then said they were all sick with this viral stuff, and that she was almost to barfing from heat exhaustion and sore throat and pain. I said that has to just be terrible I hope you feel better quick. And she said thanks me too. Trying to keep it all about her, but I did miss my D's very much, shouldn't have said wish I was there with them, oh well in the past.
Seems weird that there is more communication, but I just don't believe it's going to help us out, more to get along for the kids, and prepare for later, but it is nice to at least get a bit. I think part of problem to is so back and forth, on Thursday when she picked up girls and left she texted was stuck in traffic looks like a wreck, texted back and forth about it, and then just nothing until Saturday and the girls. We have a day of communication and then days in between. It's like a roller coaster, uphill real slow and then quickly down, wait for it uphill slow and quick down. I love coasters, but would much rather be enjoying them at the park as opposed to my emotions.
