So I have been reading the DR again & realise I've made some serious backslides in recent weeks & have been pursuing & doing the whole cheeseless tunnel thing. my wife & daughter returned from a few days away yesterday & I apologised for giving her a hard time previously & we had an amicable conversation, mainly about my daughters bad attitude which she mainly attributes to me.... which I would agree with to some extent! I find it difficult to keep my emotions in check & at the smallest signs expect to see big change, I realise this is not helping me but I guess I feel desperate.
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
No I realise that MrBond I guess I put too much emphasis on the holiday being a make or break scenario... I can see this was a serious error of judgement & I feel bitterly disappointed because there had been some tiny improvements between us in the weeks before. I think I have to refocus & work a little harder but I keep seeing big hazard signs approaching such as appointments with lawyers & discussion with son being arranged. These put me in a panic I suppose? & I clearly don't work so well under intense pressure?
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
Well I think my wife really has lost the plot, today we were discussing (at her instigation I should add) some of the changes that I've implemented & one of the biggest 180's I have made is in relation to my children. I am not afraid to admit I have not been emotionally involved in my children as much as I should have been & I have probably missed out on a great deal with them as a result. My wife was at pains before to point this out to me & it was something she wished would have been different, so I have been taking an interest in them & what thyre doing, spending a great deal more time with them particularly my s15 because my d22 isn't around as often & guess what my wife is now suspicious of my motives & feels I'm trying to turn the kids against her! when she said that you could have knocked me down with a feather & I felt like saying 'no your doing a good job of that on your own' but I didn't get into anything negative & just stated that it was disappointing she felt that way. So I guess its hard to win whichever way in these situations?
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
"my wife is now suspicious of my motives & feels I'm trying to turn the kids against her! when she said that you could have knocked me down with a feather & I felt like saying 'no your doing a good job of that on your own' "
Can you blame her? You showed little interest in your kids' lives for YEARS and then ALL OF A SUDDEN you start showing interest. That is all your fault that she doesn't believe you. The WAS will not believe in the changes for awhile. You need to understand patience.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No I suppose I cannot blame her suspicion & Yes I understand that & am prepared that this is not going to be resolved quickly, I did ask her in view of my wanting to reconcile what would I have to gain by turning the children against her? but I suppose she is probably going to see that the exact opposite.
Today when I got in from work she hit my with a new scenario, she now doesn't want to sell the family home & move out she just wants me to go & if she has to she'll get an injunction to force me out! now I'm pretty sure that I have done nothing that would merit her doing that & I do wonder if she is simply testing me or trying to provoke an angry reaction from me, I'm relieved to say I remained calm & didn't take the bait. Bizarrely just an hour later we had our most civil conversation in some weeks regarding my daughters horse showing & the upcoming event they're both attending this week.
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
well I finished DR this week & I feel this is probably the best self help book of this type I have read so far & together with these forums offer an invaluable resource for those of us struggling with a relationship crisis. The hardest part for me is detaching & avoiding discussion about our r but I am getting better, I have struggled to find inspiration for gal but I am keeping myself busy with household jobs, work & s15, its been sometime since I had an episode of self pity & I have remained calm in the face of some severe provocation recently so all in all a big improvement from when I first found my way here. I appreciate the comments made thus far it provides an opposing view to mine without having to burden my wife every time I have doubts about what I want to achieve.
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
Since my last post my wife has pushed us closer toward separation by insisting we both seek legal counsel... she was I believe disappointed with the outcome of the legal advice, I guess we've both been given similar advice & my lawyer has told me my wife's demands are both unreasonable & unlikely to be successful if we get to court. She has asked me to leave the family home & allow her to continue living there until my s15 has left school (possibly 3 years). Obviously I still have hope of resolving our differences but that aside I'm not going to just roll over & let her walk all over me, if she wants to separate then we do it properly with a clean break but since receiving the legal advice she spent a few days pretty down & not involving herself with me or the kids but the last few days she has been a lot more like her old self! now if that's due to her having doubts or just because I have accepted that we may be splitting up I'm not sure? All I know is I have avoided discussing our r & have pretty much been getting on with my life with or without her, I have a big weekend away next week that I'm really looking forward to & I've been spending as much time with my family & kids as possible.
me 46, w 46 D22, S14 M 2, T 23 WAW 3/11 ILYBINILWY 3/14
