The well trodden path

[Shanti]

Hi Chip,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there is a lot of good information here. :-)

(yes she clearly has trust issues).
...So here we are again & I think I know what the real issues are this time & they are all things that I can & should feel happy to address, If I'm honest I don't think I really committed to our relationship for many years & I believe that was what she really needed after having such a difficult adolescence.)
Then, speaking from experience, it will take her a long time to trust any changes you make. Be patient, not pushy.


'is she worth the effort'?

You were with her for 23 years. Is she worth it? It's not easy work.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

[MrBond]

Can you fill us in on more of your M history? Any conflicts? Be honest.

Why did it take you so long to marry?

[CS000]

Sorry to hijack but Mr. Bond, but where is the rest of your story?

[JCred]

You won't find it CSann00.
He has never updated it since 2010. Lots of large unexplained gaps.

In April of 2012 he told a poster they were still separated,
then 2 weeks later on the same thread he said they were reconciled. If you ask him he either doesn't answer you or tries to turn it around and sort of goes into attack mode. He did that to me when I asked. Called me a punk and told me "if" I would read his threads I would find that he has told his story. However, I actually have read every single post he has entered and it just isn't in here. Just small bits and nuggets that you can't make sense of what the real truth is.

He has been asked numerous times in the posts I have read where his story is.

He has promised a couple of times he would update it but hasn't. Quite frankly, from what I have read, I don't personally believe he is really reconciled. At best it looks like he spends some time with her and his kids on some holidays and weekends.

It looks like he wants posters to think he has because he gives tons of advice on here and it would look better if we believed he reconciled.

I am still on moderation, but have wanted to feel comfortable on here before posting things about myself. I noticed his posts and was curious about his situation and asked him about it and told him it seemed to me he wasn't sharing the whole truth, but he didn't seem to like that much and of course, now it is my fault because I didn't ask him properly.

Good luck

[MrBond]

My story is all over the place. I ended up helping so many people that I stopped creating my own post awhile ago. I usually just tell my story to those who ask. The last time was last week in mdu's thread I believe.

[JCred]

CSan00...

Just wanted to note that I wrote my post to you (that is right before MrBond's reply to you), but his actually posted before mine on this thread because I am in moderation and it takes a day or so to show up......

Thanks. Just wanted to clarify.

[MrBond]

JCred,

Wow, I go on vacation with my W for a week, and it seems I missed alot.

"xI am still on moderation, but have wanted to feel comfortable on here before posting things about myself. I noticed his posts and was curious about his situation and asked him about it and told him it seemed to me he wasn't sharing the whole truth, but he didn't seem to like that much and of course, now it is my fault because I didn't ask him properly."

Actually I didn't respond to you because you were being a douche. Try asking nicely about someone's story and stop accusing them of things that aren't true.

In fact, I don't believe that you don't post because you haven't felt "safe" on these forums. You seem to be the one who is a troll just looking to spark trouble.

If YOU want to look for my story, go and look for it on other people's posts. Do the work instead of being making a name for yourself. I have many vets on here that can vouch for me.

Bottom line is that I saved my M while yours is sinking. Kind of says alot about you.

[chip247]

Ok thanks for the feedback guys & gals.
I think I may have been reluctant to fully commit to my partner over the years, as someone points out we were together 20 years before we married in spite her wanting to get married to me, also when we finally married I have never worn my wedding band (in part due to my not wearing jewellery) I often wonder if this is a symptom of my feeling resentment due to our early relationship, my wife fell pregnant just a month after we met & a part of me has always wondered if she did it on purpose to get away from her father? I was a guy of 22 having a blast with plans to travel the world & I suppose I blamed her for holding me back due to me doing the responsible thing & sticking around. Now don't get me wrong I don't know if this is at the root of my feeling as its not something I've delved into too much just yet.
As far as our relationship is concerned we have been pretty solid until 3 years ago when things took off in a bad way, I realised I needed to change & implemented those changes to steady the ship but it appears the changes I made were the wrong ones! Its hard to know which route to follow when your partner doesn't give you any direction... I know at times I can get pretty intolerable with an angry streak that I don't like in myself but this would only result in some shouting & cursing to get things off my chest then that's it, no threats or violence or sulking etc.. this is something I have been discussing with a therapist, so I hope it will not happen again? But there has been no infidelity that I know of & the only other thing she has suggested she's been unhappy with is how I left her to raise the kids & run the house while I just provided an income which is fair enough, I guess I've had an old fashioned approach to our relationship & haven't been emotionally attached with her & the kids, I deeply regret this aspect & have been working overtime in recent months to try to correct that because I do love my family deeply.

[chip247]

I am pretty confused at the moment, we just got back from a family vacation to Cuba that was booked up before this whole mess took hold & I guess I gave myself a lot of pressure about how things worked out on the vacation deciding one way or the other what would happen with our relationship. We really only kept the booking for the sake of our s15 who was really looking forward to his holiday, but little has changed between the wife & I with her still being very frosty towards me & absolutely no closeness between us! I took a couple of backslides on the vacation because it seemed a good opportunity to talk while walking on the beach etc!
The thing I still struggle with is that quite often she will almost forget herself & start to talk about things we'll do together in the future but if I challenge her feelings about me she will simply say 'I don't know'. So it seems there are still doubts in her mind? trouble is the longer this goes on the more I wonder if I can keep up the hard work? I know I need to change but I wonder if she can change & if she doesn't/can't do I want to be with her?

[chip247]

well things have taken a nose dive recently, after returning from our family holiday I couldn't help feeling that my wife was coming up with yet more excuses for us to not discuss 'us' so I pushed her & got what I deserved I guess? with her now telling me that we should seek legal advice re separation & sit our son down to discuss our family breaking up...
In some ways I feel that I want this pain to finish but I'm dreading having that conversation with my boy, I know it's going to hit him hard & I cant bear to think of living apart from him.
I am finding it hard to summon the strength to keep fighting at the moment, how do you fight someone so determined that she doesn't want to be with me?