The well trodden path

[chip247]

Hello ladies & gents I can see that here in the Uk we are not unique in walking this path.
Just some background my wife & I are both mid forties & we have two children living at home, daughter 22 & son 14. Although me & the wife have been together 23 years we only married 18 months ago!
About 3 months ago I was given the I love you but bomb shell, having been together for 23 years you can imagine I was knocked on my butt by this news & I readily admit my initial reactions probably made the whole situation a great deal worse, quickly turning from I love you but to she's gotta get out of our relationship. I did all the wrong things crying, pleading, guilt etc etc. before I got to the point that I think I was just about to have a meltdown... So I got myself an appointment with a therapist & started reading anything relevant I could find on the subject of marriage problems. The therapist has helped me find calm & I have ceased all the crazy stuff I was doing that was pushing my wife further away, I've given her space & i haven't spoken about us so often & I have just tried to be the best father & husband I can be.
If I'm honest I know I have my faults the main one being how I spoke to my wife & kids occasionally but I have never been aggressive or violent. I think the recent recession took its toll on us with money troubles adding to an already difficult situation with my wife who doesn't do conflict due to physical abuse from her father as a child just bottling up her emotions, so any issues in our relationship just get brushed under the carpet which clearly has led to a great deal of resentment.
My close friends & family have really rallied around me & given me the strength to keep fighting but I fear for my wife because she doesn't have that kind of network, her mother in spite of my trying to get her help has not really got involved & my wife doesn't have any close friends because she always keeps people at arms length, (yes she clearly has trust issues).
So as things stand today I have ordered the DR & await delivery but as well as seeking a bit of support here I have continued my therapy sessions, I guess I want to ask what else should I do? my wife's recent attitude has softened from I want to be on my own to I don't know what I want! so I'm taking that as a positive, we go on a family vacation in a few weeks which could be a big relief or a complete disaster.
But other than keep working on myself, (I have taken a few what I think you guys describe as 180's) & visiting my therapist are there any other strategies that may help to win back my wife?

thanks for being there.

[chip247]

I read the 37 rules & laughed out loud as I had broken nearly every one of them, fortunately though I have been keeping a kind of diary come letter to my wife (that I have no intention of ever showing her), where I write down all the questions, logic & reasoning etc that pop into my head throughout the day. So she isn't aware of most of them, although in those first few weeks I did my best to completely alienate my wife & wreck any chance of reconciliation.

Since I backed off calm has descended on our home & we seem to be getting along ok, although on the rare occasion 'us' gets mentioned she is still extremely negative. It seems she only has recall of anything negative about me & our relationship.

I should add that she was waw 3 years ago when I came home early from work one day to find her moving the last of her stuff out to a house she had rented around the corner, after a great deal of soul searching & lengthy conversations she decided to stay & work on things. I knew I had issues to address on myself & proceeded to implement change... sadly the changes I made appear not to be the ones she needed. Its hard when your partner doesn't tell you what the issues are for her!
So here we are again & I think I know what the real issues are this time & they are all things that I can & should feel happy to address, If I'm honest I don't think I really committed to our relationship for many years & I believe that was what she really needed after having such a difficult adolescence.
I have made a huge effort in recent months to change & connect with my kids & I have to say my relationship particularly with my son recently gives me renewed strength.
I have also taken control of our finances instead of burying my head in the sand & already things are much improved, I have an appointment with our bank tomorrow & hope to consolidate some debt to manageable terms.

Its great to find a haven such as this where you can let off steam & read other peoples story, hopefully I will learn from others mistakes. Just wish I had known about this 3 years ago!

[chip247]

Keep thinking of relevant things to add on a regular basis.
Wife had cancer scare early 2014 which I think was the catalyst for her change of heart, at the time I was real scared & wanted to be with her during the hospital appts but she told me no, I shouldn't take time off work etc. & it really hurt me that she didn't want me there but I didn't read anything into it! Should have seen red flags but again she bottled her feelings.

In the last few days I've found out D22 has decided to move out, I fear this is due to the situation, she is very unhappy with her mom at the moment. I am probably guilty of getting her too involved during early stages of this crisis but I wanted my wife to understand this affects everyone in our family not just her. I have stopped recruiting now but D doesn't feel much love towards mom at the moment. I have explained to daughter that my behaviour has caused W to behave the way she is & she needs to be understanding to mom.
Wife has made numerous comments about feeling down or depressed in recent weeks so I suggested therapy as it was a big help to me but she bit my head off & doesn't want to discuss it with anyone else.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[chip247]

Just wondered if any of the vets could give advice about detaching?
I had I thought started to get the hang of detaching but in recent days find myself feeling angry & a little bitter.. something along the lines of how the f*** could she do this stuff? I know I have made my fair share of mistakes but never have I intentionally hurt her!
Is this a normal part of detaching? I keep wondering if she does want to R is that really what I want now, can I live with someone who at each & every disappointment in life wants to run away without trying to work on things first.

[Roberta]

I can well imagine how devasted you must have been after being together for decades before marriage and then the "I love you but..bomb". However, I am glad you did research and found a good therapist to help you approach your wife with a more pro-active, positive approach. Now, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches specialize in helping save marriages and keeping families together. Call me to discuss our Coaching Program 303-444-7004

[chip247]

Well I'm more convinced than ever that w is now having mlc, she came home absolutely wasted last night from a quiz night with her gym buddies. She could barely stand when she came to the door & the poor guy that brought her home looked pretty embarrassed by her condition!
So I had to do the whole sick bowl sentry duty & make sure she got into bed safely after helping her to the toilet.
Its like having another teenager in the house.... where has my wife gone?

[chip247]

Well my copy of the DR arrived today & not a day too soon because I've been having serious mis-givings in recent days.
So the hard work starts here, I shall bury myself in it for the next 48 hours but I don't think it wise to take it on the family vacation with me! can anyone recommend any must read chapters? otherwise I shall digest as much as I can until tomorrow night then finish it when I come home.
Just what do you need to do to get your thread to the first page, doesn't seem that anyone's read mine yet!

[Cadet]

Its like having another teenager in the house.... where has my wife gone?

YUP - teenage is part of the possible MLC scipt.

For DETACH I suggest
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

also you can google it and see what comes up.

Keep posting

[chip247]

Thanks for that reference Cadet, I will read through it to see what I can implement to my own sitch, I guess my bad days result in me questioning 'is she worth the effort'?