WAH with OW/EA - advice wanted! :)

[LisaB]

Hi DB friends!
I decided to start a new thread since my original had a bit of a misleading title. the old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...246#Post2464246

My H gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type speech a few weeks ago after I got angry with him that he had been acting distant for about a month. I only got this after I pushed to know what was going on and then he also gave me a list of things that he didn't like about me and the R. I took his words to heart and thought a lot about what I wanted to change or thought I could change. I felt his list of things were not dealbreaker items, but things we could tackle together as a team. When I said this to him he said he was not motivated to change or work and just didn't feel the same about me or the R. I asked what he wanted and he said he didn't know but didn't know how or if the problems could be repaired.

About two weeks went by with me trying to GAL, do 180, and show that I was ready for some changes. He was mostly cold and distant though did show that he was surprised at my changes.

After 2 weeks of this I couldn't take the coldness anymore, him staying out late and not knowing where he was, sleeping in the same bed but not touching and that sort of thing, and I gently pressed him for more talking.

He said he wanted "space" so I suggested gently that he move out to one of his open rental properties for a while to re-assess. He agreed. He arranged for a short term rental apartment for 6 weeks.

He moved the next day and we parted amicably. Though I was very unhappy about the situation I tried to play it cool and be friendly and upbeat. We did have a few joint crying sessions but for the most part he was cold and distant and I did some talking about how we had such a nice R and friendship. A little pleading I must admit.

The next day I got curious and snooped and found out that he has been very interested in a woman he works with for about 2 months or so. They have been flirting and going out drinking after work, although nothing has "happened yet" he is looking forward to it very much. When friends asked him if he thought this OW was clouding his decisions with me, he admitted it was probably true, but was focused on how he did not feel like "working on it" with me, but was excited for potential with the OW. He is also actively searching for a long term apartment, but did not tell me this.

I was livid when I discovered the OW, although I had suspected already after seeing them talking and laughing together at parties. I know that MY problem isn't the OW but I feel the situation with her is blocking him from interest in the R with me.

He never said that he wanted a D, he never said he wanted to split up, he never really said anything to me except that he needs space. But now I feel he thinks he is single and is pursuing women and long term housing while not communicating his intentions with me.

I had decided not to contact him at all as I was feeling like he needs space and time to think. But he sent me random text messages the day he moved out and now again today. I am not sure if I should reply? The last message said simply "hi".

Also his sister just contacted me and said "H just told me. I'm so sorry." But I'm not sure WHAT he told her. How should I reply?

I am quite confused and feeling really stressed. Does anyone have advice?
I am working on myself, trying not to contact him and GAL. So far I have been a wreck but am keeping it together thanks to these boards and my good friends IRL.

I don't know how to handle these random messages from him and his sister... any advice on that?

Thanks so much for your advice and support!
Love, Lisa

.......................................................................................................................
Me: 32
H: 30
M: 4
no kids
Bomb: June 18
Moved out: June 29

[LisaB]

Hi DBers,
I haven't had any response to my previous post, but I thought I'd continue the saga anyway as I need some encouragement.

I am feeling very upset that my H is telling everyone we "broke up" while he only told me he wanted "space". I feel like I am in the dark.

He is acting like an a... and it is making me upset. I see him posting photos of him and the OW on FB, I see photos of parties he is going to. Tonight he is coming to get some of his things from the house, I won't be here because I don't think I can handle it.

I have mostly trying to give him space, not communicating with him. But I am having a hard time. Lots of mutual friends are contacting me and saying "wow you split up!?" It really is bothering me, as he didn't communicate the truth to me at all about his intentions or the OW.

I feel like I don't know this person ... where did my sweet, loving H go??? He was just here 2 months ago or so....

Friends are being supportive but say he is just a jerk and forget him and move on. I still love him with all my heart though. Anyone have any tips for me?

[adinva]

Be patient, your sitch is brand new.
I understand your wanting to know what h is telling ppl and wishing to correct the record, but let it go. He is very typical if he's slanting the story so he doesnt look bad. But what other people know and think really doesnt matter, it really wont make any material difference in your sitch. Keep your responses honest and dont get into details with any but your very closest confidantes. The more gory details people know, the more h may protect his pride by forging ahead with his "new life."

You dont know what the future holds. My advice is to take good care of yourself, work on what issues you need to change about yourself, seek out a good counselor, and keep the road home paved and smooth. Give h some space, ignore him on FB and ask people not to report to you about him. It's a false happy image he's presenting the public, ignore it. Let him play this out and give him a chance to learn for himself that the grass is not greener. No one else can make him believe that, he must find it out on his own. Work on you, both to make something good out of this awful experience and to disrract yourself from things beyond your control, ie H.

This will take time. Use that time to be someone only a fool would leave.

[Eatsma]

Lisa -

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. So sorry that you're here but people are pretty supportive (and know what it's like to be in your shoes!).

My husband also has OW but also hasn't mentioned Divorce. (He actually hasn't even mentioned SPACE, which is it's own level of crazy...but there you are...)

If you're like most of us here, you have chosen to stand for your marriage and let your husband sort through his issue on his own. It's not easy, but neither are the alternatives! As others have said (and will say again), you can't do anything about HIM...you can only take care of YOU. So - detach from him as much as you can and go about making your life as good as you can make it for yourself. Do nice things for yourself, see if there are things about yourself that you'd like to improve, join some new clubs or do some activities....If he's interested in coming, that's fine, but basically stop having expectations of him.

The end result is that you will have a person that you can live with happily - yourself - whether or not he comes out on the other side of this.

Hoping for the best for you! Hang on for the ride....

[Sam3]

Hi Lisa,
Sorry to see you here. I have a similar situation except I have 3 very young children. I have no advice as I'm still struggling every day.

But, I'm thinking that I should also change my topic because my situation has become so much more complicated than when I first posted.

Hopefully we can encourage each other through this journey!

[LisaB]

Hi Sam3 and MLP, thanks so much for your replies and your encouragement. It's really hard isn't it? Sam3 I hate to think of your struggles with 3 kids at home too.

I really want to stick by my H and wait for him to come back around but he is acting and talking like we were just colleagues at work or something. Very cold and distant and like we never had a R. Like "nice knowing ya, was fun!"

I just don't know what to think about it.

Today I decided the only thing I can do for my own sanity is stop communicating with him all together. I just can't handle this coldness, I keep wondering where did my H go?

Hugs to you both!
Lisa

[LisaB]

Adinva, thank you so much for your advice. You are so right to just focus on myself. It's really hard though... but thanks for the encouragement.
Hugs,
Lisa

[Eatsma]

Lisa -

The only thing I can recommend is SLOW DOWN.

Unfortunately this is a process that takes time. How much time? I'm not sure. I've been here now for 8 months. I think the Divorce Remedy book says that it takes a really long time and it feels a whole lot longer. This is true. Like most traumatic situation, time seems to slow to a crawl, and you will feel like you are absorbing tons of information all the time. (I feel that way, anyway.)

I just read on another thread a great marathon analogy. This is a marathon. The good news is that you've got lots of people here cheering for you with support along the route. There are water stations throughout the journey - so take advantage of the respite when you get it. As someone who has run a few marathons, I can say that they often suck. My fourth marathon I ran with a blister on my foot and I really really wanted to quit...But I didn't. And at the end I had a medal and I could successfully say that I did it without quitting, and that felt good. I think this is going to be like that.

[LisaB]

Thanks MLP, gosh I hate running!

But yeah you are right, I see that I am being quite impatient and wanting it all to be solved right away. I guess I need to take a breath and see the long view if I want him back.

Thanks for your great advice!
Love,
Lisa

[LisaB]

Hi all, just a small update.
I had been planning to just have no contact with H since it was mostly just causing me distress anyway. But of course he keeps sending me messages, not in a pursuing way mind you, but just to tell me random things.
Yesterday he messaged to tell me that he told his parents that we are getting D. OK..... WHATEVER! Why do I care about that?

I had been replying to his messages very simply and short, but then I thought it might be my opportunity to put my annoyance out there since I do feel it is very disrespectful that he didn't split up with me but tells everyone he did. So I explained that he only told me he "might want space" but now he is telling everyone we are getting D. He was surprised and said he thought it was clear from our discussions that it was final. He thought it was clear was because I had said "I want you to be happy". I guess he thought that meant we get a D???

So I told him no...that is not how you break up (dumbass!!). And he replied that he thought it was easier as he "doesn't know what might happen with us" and didn't want to "create false hope".

Ok fine. Whatever.

Anyway, that is the update. I feel good that at least I got to tell him how irritated I was and how cowardly and rude it is. Of course I don't think it helps anything but at least I feel a bit better.

The OW is the one thing that is really bothering me still. I hate that he was heavily flirting with her while he was with me, and I hate that she pretended to be my friend. That is starting to make me really angry.

My mood has improved a lot. I feel really good sometimes even. So those of you just starting out on your painful journey - it does get easier. After 2-3 weeks of hell I am feeling a bit more like myself. I'm still down and sad and hopeless at times but the pit in my stomach is going away slowly.

I think it helps to stop blaming yourself for mistakes you made. Try to improve yourself going forward but don't beat yourself up for the past.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Love, Lisa