Yeah, you would think he might have handed D papers to me directly, rather than text about leaving in my mailbox. I guess he didnt want to see me for whatever reason. It seems that he has "the last word" wishing the best to me, and I guess it makes him feel as if HE is taking the high road in that. However, I'll not text any response back, since the words of wisdom here advise against it. Thanks, all.
Good idea, TL. I am taking hour at a time.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Well, even that "wishing you all the best" statement is pushing my buttons.
Like he's wishing it for you, but isn't really interested in doing anything to make that happen. And if wishes were pigs. They'd have wings... or something.
I'm so sorry...
I can just picture that happening here. Kind of makes me all queasy inside.
It gets better. So I'm told.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
From what you posted here and in Newcomers, your XH sounds like a complete jerk. I agree that it's crummy!
But... considering his jerkiness (that stuff with your sister and her BF), maybe this is as good as it's gonna get? What if he knocked on your door and said, "FU! Thank God I'm free!" and threw the papers at you instead? (Based on what you wrote, it sounds like it might have been something he would have done...) So maybe you reframe it and consider this as nice and avoiding any behaviors that would hurt you as he's going to be.
He did an awful lot of projecting on to you - holding you accountable for feeling miserable, and then reconnecting with a middle school girl and saying she was the love of his life? I mean WTF? Seriously? This guy is in his 50s and delusional! What? They loved Welcome Back Kotter and it was their playground ritual to discuss it while playing kickball? I remember my 8th grade BF fondly too. But he was 14, and we're now 52. Like he's the one that got away? Just because I fondly remember Elton John and think of him? Good grief.
Seriously, Chickie. Let this a*hole go and create the life YOU want for yourself for the next 45 years. Anyone that would be this callous after 13 years of marriage is a complete dick, and you deserve a real commitment from the kind of guy who treasures your company and values you for being you.
I hope today is the start of the best year of your life. (Have you read that book by Debbie Ford? You can start any time of the year you want. :))
Be nice to yourself!
Betsey
p.s. Sorry for all the cussing
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, I just met a few great new girlfriends for drinks, but your post is awesome! Thanks for all the cussing! I needed it! It's the kick in the pants that I needed!
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
So your x sounds a lot like my soon to be x. Sorry fir the pain. With time you will find you are better off.
Texting you and putting it in the mailbox? Wtf is that? Do not text him back. Go NC as long as you want. Is he always a coward, or is he just being a jerk?
Glad you had drinks with your girl posse! The older I get, the more important the girl posse is to me. They've always had my back and vice versa. So good for you.
And glad you were numb to my fairly mild cussing attack. Apparently I had the nether regions on my mind that night. I've worked with men all my life, starting with a bunch of sailors near the Pentagon. It just went downhill from there. And no matter how hard my XH tried, my D20 has my potty mouth too.
But I stand by it! Your XH IS a dick!
The rest of us will be here to guide you into healing post-D. Make the most of this time to ruminate and clear the cobwebs, because you won't be on the shelf indefinitely. Nobody wants to repeat this mistake, do they???
Repeat after me: no more dicks!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I love the posts from Underdog - well said!!! so glad you went out with girlfriends - I second that sentiment from Betsey - the girl posse is so important now!! This is the beginning of something great for you. It was for me, just keep that positive mental attitude.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Well said, ladies! Go Girl posse! I'm making new girl friends weekly and look forward to focusing on getting out with them more, AND getting to know myself.
I'm not on FB much and have had "reservations" about it for years. Not so much the privacy issue (that's now a new concern) but I felt that I was spending so much time looking at other people's lives rather than living my own. Also felt it was making me feel bad if my life wasnt up to par. Now my concern about FB is avoiding the temptation for checking out the exH and his orbit of family & friends pages. I could not see his FB page directly, but would be too tempted to look at OW page, which last time I checked was not private. I'd also spend time looking at stepD FB pages and trying to read into their posts what was up with their dad. Like a big plate of brownies on the table being too tempting, so no brownies in the house, I likewise don't even sign in to FB. The probelm with that is I miss out on reconnecting with friends. A few weeks ago at my high school reunion, an old good friend said that a group of them missed me at the luncheon the day before that they had set up with private messages on FB. Darn! Also exH connected up with OW via FB, as they were 8th grade sweethearts that lost touch after she moved away.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
Over the years, I rarely saw that side of him come out with others, but never to me. Until MLC struck. OUCH!
No more jerks!
The thing is, he's high up director at fortune 200 company with 100+ employees under him. He does his job well handling all of them, and they seem to respect him, giving him positive reviews, but know he wont hesitate to lay off or fire them, if necessary. That's the type of personality he has.
With the mlc anger he's directed all that "efficient cutting of deadwood" that he perceives towards me and everything I did. He had a project plan chart and check lists for his steps to move out, attorney meetings, apartment locating, furniture purchases...etc. I actually saw them on his desk before he moved out. He treated D like any other project implementation without consideration for feelings, morals, only cold hard facts and data, as he'd say.
So basically, I was a "fired" wife.
He has moved on to the next "project" --the OW just as he did me in the early days of dating him. He aggressively pursued me, in an organized manner. I probably was a "project" as well, back in 1999 along side his Y2K plan.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
The thing is, he's high up director at fortune 200 company with 100+ employees under him. He does his job well handling all of them, and they seem to respect him, giving him positive reviews, but know he wont hesitate to lay off or fire them, if necessary. That's the type of personality he has.
I know the type well. I own my own company, and we sell to primarily Fortune 500 companies. Some are better than others, and some have massive egos that you just hope one day they will have taken down a few notches.
Quote:
He treated D like any other project implementation without consideration for feelings, morals, only cold hard facts and data, as he'd say.
Wow. And I mean WOW. This says a whole lot, CC. And my guess is you're right. It's like he's a robot and refuses to allow his heart to have a say in conflicts with his head. From what you said here, it surely sounds as though you were fired.
I mean I do understand using that part at work. But in marriage? Nope.
Quote:
He has moved on to the next "project" --the OW just as he did me in the early days of dating him. He aggressively pursued me, in an organized manner. I probably was a "project" as well, back in 1999 along side his Y2K plan.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! But you realize that OW has an expiration date too, right? Not that it affects you. At least now.
We share something in common. I was kind of a project too - I call it the broken bird syndrome. My XH typically seeks out broken birds so he can "rescue" them. I was only temporarily broken when I met him - I had moved from VA to CA at the age of 26, knew no one, had no support network there, and started over from scratch. My brother went to jail right after I left, and my steady BF at the time and I were having difficulties. I was down in the dumps and experiencing debilitating migraines for the first time. Kinda broken and sad...
He waited years before he got his current GF. She's not necessarily a broken bird in my eyes, but she has a deadbeat XH who doesn't see his girls, and I think he feels a duty to help. I guess he sees me as the stronger person of us two and why help someone like me?
Like you, I've always been pursued and convinced and in the end, have always been the one who's left behind. I'm working on that one in IC right now. It kinda svcks. (Hint: roots in my FOO, where I was taught to give people the benefit of the doubt and allow them to cross across boundaries without consequence.... it's not a pretty thing.)
Good luck!
It's time for you to get a project. It ought to include working on redefining you, one way or another.
Go you!
Betsey
p.s. I consider my 50s to be a no dick zone.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This is the beginning of something great for you. It was for me, just keep that positive mental attitude.
