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Putting my money where my mouth is. It's been awhile, but it's what I need. Ok. So I figure the first step is setting clear boundaries, right?

Formal conversation hasn't worked in the past, so I guess just stating I'm going to...and if he acts as though he's joining in, tell him no. And when he gets all mopey about that, ignore that.

So Saturday I will do one activity of my choosing, by myself, and feel no guilt. Yes?

Thanks for the push!

~Shanti

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Shanti, as supportive and as tender as I can sound over an Internet posting...

What is the activity you are choosing.
When are you going to inform him.
What "script" do you have in mind when you inform him of your going out.
How are you going to reinforce your positive mental state going through this one outting?

Last edited by TenBook; 03/31/15 03:29 PM.
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TenBook - I didn't mean to imply I need tender, I don't, I need the push. smile

I hadn't planned a specific outing. I figured I would just maybe take a bike ride, or walk, take a drive... just take a couple hours for mental space; even these small things I can't seem to do without H assuming I want him along. So, I figured a small activity, state I want to go alone and stay positive by knowing I set the boundary and can do it.

Not specific enough?

~Shanti

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Originally Posted By: Shanti
I wish he would have realized he cared while I still did.


Hi Shanti, I've been following your thread and this post has really bothered me. Would you mind discussing it?

This sentence infers that you loved your husband very much at one time.

And, during this period of time...when you loved your husband...did you feel rejected?

Did I interpret this sentence correctly?

If so, was this an extremely vulnerable time for you?

And was it during this time that you made a decision to shut off your feelings for your husband?

Or...am I reading too much into this sentence?


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Shanti Offline OP
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Hi Hope414,
It's interesting - I never thought I decided to shut off my feelings for my husband, it seemed to happen little by little, as he belittled me, or chose others over me, disregarded my feelings, you know? It's hard not to get the message that I didn't matter... So eventually I guess I did decide that I didn't need/want him. And yes, I guess I was extremely vulnerable. I think my biggest stumbling block is that I know to have a connection I need to be vulnerable and I just can't with him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let him see my vulnerabilities. frown

Thanks for reaching out.

~Shanti

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Shanti

“I need to be vulnerable and I just can't with him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let him see my vulnerabilities.”

I am going to go out on a limb here, I would guess after 20+ years being married to you, and if I am doing the math right, 3 years post BD your H has a pretty good idea of your vulnerabilities( what can physically or emotionally hurt you) if that's what you meant. I get it, you've put up a wall, drawn a line in the sand so H can’t hurt you, so unless you let H past you will never know if he has learned/changed, done work on himself, too not repeat the past….

That is totally up to you, if you don’t D is most likely in the future. If you do, and H truly has changed you just might get an amazing M.

“I would rather love him and remain a family.”

Love is a choice.. You would need to choose to Love him again.

"Why can't I stand to be around him?”

IMHO, because of past hurts, grudges, resentment, looking back instead of forward.

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Originally Posted By: Shanti
Hi Hope414,
It's interesting - I never thought I decided to shut off my feelings for my husband, it seemed to happen little by little, as he belittled me, or chose others over me, disregarded my feelings, you know? It's hard not to get the message that I didn't matter... So eventually I guess I did decide that I didn't need/want him. And yes, I guess I was extremely vulnerable. I think my biggest stumbling block is that I know to have a connection I need to be vulnerable and I just can't with him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let him see my vulnerabilities.


You're still here and you're still in your marriage. You've given your spouse the gift of time.

And you've given yourself the gift of time.

I'm sorry you felt belittled and disregarded by your spouse. It is difficult when people we love forget our hearts are fragile.

We can't speak to your husband's feelings (mind-reading) but you have indicated he is still living with you. And you have indicated he loves you and wants a relationship with you.

This is good.

So can we begin with a goal for you?

Could your goal be: When time has passed you want your marriage to be strong and your family intact?

If you like this goal...How can we help you do this?

If this goal is too large for you...what would be a more manageable goal right now?


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Hang in there! Don't walk out!!


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"I need to be vulnerable and I just can't with him. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let him see my vulnerabilities. frown"

Actually you can. You just choose not to show him your vulnerabilities. He is afraid of you walking out on him the same way the rest of the LBS's on here are. We all make mistakes. The LBS and WAS alike. While you say he treated you negatively in the past, i can probably assume that you weren't 100% perfect yourself.

He's afraid to lose you which is why he's "hovering". All LBS's are guilty of that. And like all WAS's, this turns you off. So the two of you need to come to some kind of compromise if you want to stay M'd. Do a search for project happily ever after. The author was also a WAS who actually imagined her H dead. But then managed to turn things around.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Shanti Offline OP
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Thanks everyone.

Hope414, While I think that's a good goal overall, I think it's too much for right now. I can't see how to bridge what seems like an impossible distance between where I am now to having a strong marriage. I'm not sure it's realistic for me right now. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with H. And that feels awful to say...I think I need something smaller. :-)

I checked out the happily ever after project. We are off for a family vacation soon, so maybe when we get back I can get that and glean some wisdom from there as well. Is this something I can read in the open? Or do you suggest not (like db)?

I appreciate your thoughts! I need to get unstuck...

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