I apologize if this is the wrong board. I'm really looking for insight, or maybe just looking to get all my thoughts out to help me process my thoughts and begin to take action one way or another. I understand from reading the boards on and off for the past year and a half that most here are not the initiators of divorce and that I may get some negative feedback. I'm okay with that. I really just need help getting unstuck.
I have been married over 20 years. We have three children between the ages of 7 and 12. Two years ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He asked me to give us a chance to see if we could make it better. I told him I was done trying, felt as though I had tried enough and had nothing left to give. He said he understood and was willing to be the one to put in the effort to see if it would change my mind. In the few years leading up to this point, at different times, I told him how I felt, asked for counseling, etc. He belittled me, took me for granted, let me do the majority of work at home (cleaning, bills (including the $ for it), kids schedules/needs, shot down any attempt I had to improve our home. He didn't participate in any decision making other than to tell me what I was doing wrong.
So, since I told him I was done, he is constantly under foot. Doesn't ever say no to anything I want to do (as I pay for the majority of things anyway). And basically can't seem to do enough to please me (or what he thinks will please me). He can't make a decision without asking me. I told him to get a friend, a hobby, anything to give me space (GAL anyone?), and he hasn't. We tried marriage counseling and have both seen individual counselors. I still don't want to be married to him, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm afraid my love has died, and it isn't coming back. I tried sitting back and seeing how I felt with his changes. I tried faking it until I could make. Now, I just don't want to be around him, but it all seems so selfish.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt my children. I don't know what the heck to do. I feel as though I'm frozen in a place no one would chose to be. If I could just choose one way or the other, everyone would be better off. I feel, for me, the answer is divorce. What stops me is how it might affect him and our children. Maybe everyone would be better off. Why can't I just make a decision and take action?
I'm sorry to ramble. How do I know what I should do? I'm just so tired of trying to figure it out and still not knowing.
I don't understand why he would want to be married to me when I have cleary stated that the only reason I have hesitated is because I'm concerned how divorce would affect our kids.
His changes have been consistant, but I keep coming back to the fact that the only time he listened to me was at the point that it would affect his life. Before I told him I was done, my needs didn't matter, my requests were not important. I feel that the only reason he is making any effort is because it's easier for him, not out of any consideration for me. When he does something, he always seems to be looking for thanks in some manner.
His presence is smothering me. I feel physically anxious when he is near me. He follows me around like a puppy. I give him no positive feedback to any flirtacious comments. I have asked for space, he doesn't seem to get it. How many times should I have to ask, when I know it's hurtful for him to hear - I don't want to hurt him. Is it less painful just to end it?
Don't we deserve better than this? Is this really what I want my kids to learn about adult relationships? Sure, there is no fighting, but there is definately a lack of connection, a lack of balance in this relationship, a lack of respect I guess.
SO I ask you when you said those marriage vows what did they mean?
Have you read DB or DR?
You realize this is a marriage saving site so I am assuming that you dont want to hurt your children permanently? Divorce IMHO will do that, I guarantee that. Your husband seems like he is in the begging and pleading stage, he sounds like he is willing to make changes to win you back?
My suggestion is to start learning what YOU need to change, without getting divorced? While still living within your marriage, you can do it I am sure.
Keep posting and learning. You are on moderation right now so stick to this thread until you get off of it.
Knowledge is Power.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1409:41 PM. Reason: spelling
You are in the right place. And yes you are the minority here as far as which spouse seeks help on the forums. I would suggest you get both DB/DR books. Read them cover to cover before making any decisions. No one can change your feelings for your H but you. If you have already read the books what about the Five Love Languages?
I would guess that you havent read them based on what you are saying. Divorce is a last resort when you have tried everything already. I wouldnt say that you have tried everything. Those feelings can and will return.
"What stops me is how it might affect him and our children. Maybe everyone would be better off"
That is absolutely not true and Im sure you dont realy believe that. It would most likely devastate the whole family. In time you would probably regret doing it too. People can and do change, this site is full of great examples of it. There are women on this site that Im sure have been in your shoes and have come out of it. Im sure that a couple of them will chime in soon enough to give you some advice.
Last edited by Ben2010; 06/25/1410:02 PM.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Thank you Cadet and Ben2010 for responding. I posted a second message before your posts, but it hasn't shown up yet, so it might be confusing.
I have heard that love is a choice, but I guess I don't know how. Right now, all I know is that anytime I'm around him I physically respond in a negative way. I guess like a stress reaction? It feels almost suffocating, like his every move is based on me... I'm not sure really how to describe it. And I know I've built up walls to protect myself from what I believe is him time and again over the years showing me by his actions that I didn't matter...not sure I can or want to open myself up to him again.
Yes, I do realise this is a marriage saving site :-) Logically, it makes perfect sense to me that everyone would be better off with an intact family. Financially, logistically... But are there no exeptions to this? What if I'm not able to get to a place of at least comfort in my own home when H is around?
I have not read DB/DR books, I thought they were more for the LBS. I have often wished, based on what I've seen here, that H would do alot of the things people talk about (at least GAL, some interest other than me). It's very tiring to have someone so dependent on me constantly.
I have hoped that time would turn things around, that his changes would help me feel good about us staying together and not being a poor model of adult relationships for our children. I am not finding that so far.
I just joined also, and I am the one considering divorce; my husband does not know that I am at this point. We had considered divorce about 14 years ago... the reasons I chose not to pursue it was because, I do love my husband, and our kids were still young. Now they are grown, and I'm back at square one with the whole thing. I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to be in this situation anymore, which is why I came here. To help me figure things out. I hope that we both are able to find the answers we need. I have not purchased the 5 Love Languages yet, but it has been recommended to me by several people, so it is next on my list. I wish you luck.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
I apologize if this is the wrong board. I'm really looking for insight, or maybe just looking to get all my thoughts out to help me process my thoughts and begin to take action one way or another. I understand from reading the boards on and off for the past year and a half that most here are not the initiators of divorce and that I may get some negative feedback. I'm okay with that. I really just need help getting unstuck.
I have been married over 20 years. We have three children between the ages of 7 and 12. Two years ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He asked me to give us a chance to see if we could make it better. I told him I was done trying, felt as though I had tried enough and had nothing left to give. He said he understood and was willing to be the one to put in the effort to see if it would change my mind. In the few years leading up to this point, at different times, I told him how I felt, asked for counseling, etc. He belittled me, took me for granted, let me do the majority of work at home (cleaning, bills (including the $ for it), kids schedules/needs, shot down any attempt I had to improve our home. He didn't participate in any decision making other than to tell me what I was doing wrong.
So, since I told him I was done, he is constantly under foot. Doesn't ever say no to anything I want to do (as I pay for the majority of things anyway). And basically can't seem to do enough to please me (or what he thinks will please me). He can't make a decision without asking me. I told him to get a friend, a hobby, anything to give me space (GAL anyone?), and he hasn't. We tried marriage counseling and have both seen individual counselors. I still don't want to be married to him, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm afraid my love has died, and it isn't coming back. I tried sitting back and seeing how I felt with his changes. I tried faking it until I could make. Now, I just don't want to be around him, but it all seems so selfish.
I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt my children. I don't know what the heck to do. I feel as though I'm frozen in a place no one would chose to be. If I could just choose one way or the other, everyone would be better off. I feel, for me, the answer is divorce. What stops me is how it might affect him and our children. Maybe everyone would be better off. Why can't I just make a decision and take action?
I'm sorry to ramble. How do I know what I should do? I'm just so tired of trying to figure it out and still not knowing.
Very interesting post and I can tell your dilemma is weighing on you.
Have you and your H ever been S(eparated)?
Has your H really changed? And if so, is it the change you hoped for? Do the 2 of you talk about these issues?
You pay for most things (you mentioned money a couple of times), what does that mean? Does he work? Seems there's some resentment about something there.
THere is an "I'm thinking about leaving thread" but it gets almost no traffic. You'll get more response here but remember, most people here are here because someone got off that fence you're still sitting on.
Yours is a good perspective to have here.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
First of all, sorry to find you here. Secondly, perhaps you might want to change your screen name to a more positive one.
I remember we had a WAW to be here many years ago and she worked hard to change her perceptions. One of the several ways she did quite successfully was listening to the Keeping Love Alive (KLA) tapes offered through this site. You might want to look into those tapes for yourself.
Booklvr, thanks for the response. Sorry you're here, but it's a comfort to have someone is a similar situation - I wish you good luck in your journey as well. I will look up your posts.
labug, I almost burst into tears with just reading the first line of your response. Yes, it's been weighing on me for what feels like an eternity. I so just want to do the right thing for everyone. It feels though that there is a right for me, and a right for everyone else sometimes. And then that the right for everyone else can't be right either because of blah, blah, blah...I just talk myself in circles. We have never been seperated - we decided it was best to wait until we were sure about divorce to even bring it up to the children in order to not undermine their sense of security. I do second guess that decision sometimes. H has certainly changed in some ways but I guess it seems to me that it isn't geniune, that he expects something in return. It seems I have to tell him every step to take. I'm tired of being the director... I do have money issue resentments. He does work, just doesn't contribute equally - he doesn't make as much as I do, but also has no motivation to change that. He has had opportunities, just never took advantage of them. We see things differently, value different things I guess.
Wonka, I tried to think of a different name - all that came to me was "agony". No positives there. Thank you for pointing me toward KLA tapes - I will take a look now.
hmm.. I wrote two other posts prior to my response to booklvr, labug and wonka. But they haven't shown up. Do they come up out of order sometimes while on moderation? Or maybe they've been lost?
