WAW separation begins

[rayzzz]

old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2462215&page=1

Hit the magic 100 on a forum I thought I'd never post on like the rest of our community.

Feeling good today. Having another small talk with WAW. In the past she complained I never took responsibility and left everything in her hands so in the past few months I have been reasserting myself.
So after a few months of 180s in this I tell her I have a place booked for our son's birthday. She then gets mad and says "Why are you always taking care of things and not giving me any input?" so it looks like i swung too fast in the other direction...*sigh* just looking for the happy medium now.

Gonna lead off with a validating:

"I was just taking care of it(S bday). Sorry for not taking the time to include you in this, you must feel pretty mad and hurt. You love him as much as I do. What can I do to help you feel more included in the decisions we make?"
Trust me this doesn't come easy to me and I feel like i freeze when we finally need to speak and I am trying to validate.

any thoughts?

Thanks

[claire7]

That's great that you are trying to validate!

I would start with the "I'm sorry" part. If it was me, I might add, "I should have..." I may be overly sensitive, but "I was just" always hits a nerve with me. It sounds defensive (which is a huge trigger for me). Maybe it's just semantics, but I wonder if a phrase like, "I wanted to make sure S's birthday was organized, so I may have jumped the gun on planning without consulting you."

I think I would also avoid asking, "What can I do?" Didn't she sort of tell you. maybe either, "Next time I will..."

I'm sure vets will have great advice, but this was my initial reaction. (But I'm definitely no expert!)

[rayzzz]

That's great that you are trying to validate!

I would start with the "I'm sorry" part. If it was me, I might add, "I should have..." I may be overly sensitive, but "I was just" always hits a nerve with me. It sounds defensive (which is a huge trigger for me). Maybe it's just semantics, but I wonder if a phrase like, "I wanted to make sure S's birthday was organized, so I may have jumped the gun on planning without consulting you."

I think I would also avoid asking, "What can I do?" Didn't she sort of tell you. maybe either, "Next time I will..."

Thanks for the feedback Claire! The "I just " part always sounds like justifying actions now that you mention it. Will lead off with "sorry" end with "next time" and see how it goes...stay tuned

[rayzzz]

Help are my 180s backfiring? This is scary! Somebody throw me a lifeline!
WAW:
"Why are you so short with me now?
How come you just smile and be all happy and walk away after our coversations?
Starting all these classes, taking ultimate frisbee!
Are you TRYING to show me you are getting on with your life and happy about the divorce? That's it isn't it?
I think you are going to be just FINE and happy about the DIVORCE.

As far as you and me are concerned We are NOT married!"

Me trying to validate...."uhhhhhhh....**...; C "

Help! Is this normal? This is two months work down the dB drain if it is.....ok I am getting a grip....help

[Thornton]

IMO it's a test. She's feeling uncomfortable and wants to see if you'll crack.

Stay cool, calm and collect. You are showing her a new side of yourself and it's confusing her, which is good.

If you become a great guy, it makes it harder for her to leave. She wants to feel sure of herself about her decision to leave.

Keep doing what you're doing. You will face more tests, prepare yourself for them.

[GoatGal]

Rayzzz,


I am reading all this and I would love to throw you a lifeline in whatever form I can manage.

I'm on my phone, have stuff to do before I get back--- but I will be back.

(If only to try and make you laugh. Sometimes that's all I'm good for, but hey, it's a start on PMA, right?).




---GG

[rayzzz]

This is probrably gonna get me kicked out of DB. But after being goaded into talking more about our relationship my WAW kept saying she wasn't gonna apologize for ways she hurt me has been mean to me and not owning up to her part of being a bad communicator with me. Then I crumbled and shared my dB secrets "I am doing all this to change me and the things I know you have called me on and I need to work on and if we get to work out b/c of that..."
Got an icy "fine" from WAW....totally indifferent

I will pack my dB bags and go into the fire now.......Frack my life

Ok deep breath, punch a wall. Detach I don't have time to be in despair. Got to work on GALing

[rayzzz]

IMO it's a test. She's feeling uncomfortable and wants to see if you'll crack.

Stay cool, calm and collect. You are showing her a new side of yourself and it's confusing her, which is good.

If you become a great guy, it makes it harder for her to leave. She wants to feel sure of herself about her decision to leave.

Keep doing what you're doing. You will face more tests, prepare yourself for them.

Thornton Thanks. Goatgal...any comedy you can send and a case of beer would totally help my PMA

You are right Thornton. It was like she was trying to break my pokerface. Unfortunately just before I typed this i did crack a bit and mumble something to WAW about "well i change and do this and you are mad...I act like the old H and you are mad...there's just no pleasing you"... I have just shoved the whole hardcover DB book in my mouth...jeezzz

I am gonna Gal with Qigong(anti stress) and then initiate a do over. Tomorrow is another day...

[Thornton]

The key is to learn from this experience so you don't repeat it.

Always, remember she's going to keep testing you. Being aware is half the battle.

[GoatGal]

OK, rayzzz, here we go.

The Disclaimer:
"This in no way substitutes for the sage advice of veteran DBers who have been in and out of the trenches. It is not a substitute for medical or psychiatric care... yadda, yadda, yadda, stuff that lawyers care about and we don't...."


Now I'm cool, but sorry. No beer!
(Except the virtual kind. I prefer a nice German Pils myself, but hey! Each to his/her own. And a case? Forgettaboutit!!!)

Here goes:

YOU. Are BATMAN.

SHE: Is Poison Ivy.
(Or Catwoman, take your pick. Uma or Halle, they're both good for our purposes)

Batman:
Has a secret cave, lots of cool gadgets, tricks up his sleeve, and he has... what's his name? Arthur? The helpful butler.
(That's us here at DBing!)

Batman's car can turn into whatever he wants---it can fly, it can go underwater.
That's your super-power. You are able to ADAPT to the situation!
And when Batman gets injured or needs to regroup, what does he do?
He retires to Wayne Manor and takes refuge in the Bat Cave.

Is he ashamed of retiring in order to rest and formulate his next plan of attack?
Hell NO! He is savvy, cool, collected, always in control.

Now for our friend Poison Ivy.

She has an agenda.
Some would say "evil", others might just say "self-serving".
(Hey, I try not to judge.)

Point is: She's HOT! She's determined! She's a little, well, "out there".

She's also like a bad skin rash if you touch her... or if she breathes too hard in your direction.

(See where I'm going with this?)

You need to give her a wide berth until you understand her evil plot.
The catch here is: You might NEVER understand her motivations!

No matter what Poison Ivy does, Batman has to remain strong because he has the entire city of Metropolis to look after! It's all on his shoulders!

He can't let one babe in a crazy green costume throw him for a loop no matter how good looking and scintillating she might be!

Batman is working from a much bigger platform; one that involves the welfare of others, (as well as his own), his values, his entire reason for being.

Poison Ivy is going to do what she will do.
But learning from his Ninja training in the Far East, (they left this out of the movie so I'm adding it here), Batman learns to DEFLECT.

To KILL with KINDNESS.
To take the high road.
To resist---passively--rather than actively.

He acts when he HAS to act to protect the greater good.
He does not act out of fear, or anger, revenge , or jealously.

Eventually his tactics will weary an opponent over time, rather than in one short battle.

Batman understands that the less ammunition he gives to his opponent, the better. So he bends like the willow, instead of breaking like the mighty oak.

Time is your friend.

Pick your battles.
Bend like the willow while holding your roots fast.

Everyone who knows trees knows you can never kill a Willow.
They just come back from their roots once you cut them to the ground.


How helpful this might be for you is anybody's guess.

Entertainment value?

I hope that's higher.

And----I'm done.

Keep fighting the good fight, rayzzz.


Meanwhile, always remember that Batman's abs were plastic, but they still got chicks to swoon...


---GG