Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 3

[1Wish]

So she wants me to move out to give her some breathing room to decide...

She wants me out by sunday after this... I plan to move out tuesday wednesday and leave it on good terms..

Im going to tell her im going and im doing this for you and make it all about her ill try my best not to contact her at all until she does.

Keep it short and pleasant. Deposit small doses in her love bank and slowly slowly wiggle in.

[MrBond]

"Im going to tell her im going and im doing this for you and make it all about her ill try my best not to contact her at all until she does."

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! Geez do you learn ANYTHING! I don't know how much clearer I can say this. IF YOU TELL HER THAT, YOU WILL LOSE HER. Just pack up your stuff and say that you respect her wishes. Say that you understand what got you to this point and understand how she feels.

DO NOT tell her you're doing it all for her.

[1Wish]

"Im going to tell her im going and im doing this for you and make it all about her ill try my best not to contact her at all until she does."

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! Geez do you learn ANYTHING! I don't know how much clearer I can say this. IF YOU TELL HER THAT, YOU WILL LOSE HER. Just pack up your stuff and say that you respect her wishes. Say that you understand what got you to this point and understand how she feels.

DO NOT tell her you're doing it all for her.

Ok I will use words such as understand and its her wishes.. I have a plan mrbond and I thank your patience with me.

I just want an understanding why I shouldnt say its about her? Would it not make her feel like wow even though it hurts him his doing it for me.. he listened to what I asked for?

Heres my plan
Do what you said..
Listen to everything you say either I like it or not.

I wont contact her until she contacts me
I will not check up on her in any shape or form
I will not answer her calls if I feel emotional and return it once ive prepped myself so when im in a happy mood
If she calls some calls ill answer
If she txts ill reply back in short txts
I will busy myself by going to the gym
Since ill be back at my mums and in my area I will see my friends an go play pool,tennis football and keep myself happy
If she calls and says shes going out or anything I have prepped myself to have the word test pop up in my mind.. she will expect me to say what time are you coming home, who you going with, where you going.. instead I will say ok well have a nice time and let me know how it goes. Its a test
Try to quit smoking and get myself in good health for my sake.. and not mention it to her.. if she goes out with me for coffee then I wont mention it but let her notice.. thats my new thing now.. let her notice.. never mention

I want her to know im doing it for myself.. im a changed man..

How does this sound mrbond?

[Barrybran]

I just want an understanding why I shouldnt say its about her? Would it not make her feel like wow even though it hurts him his doing it for me.. he listened to what I asked for?

Heres my plan
Do what you said..

I want her to know im doing it for myself.. im a changed man..

You're not a changed man. Right now, you're a mouse on a wheel thinking it's getting somewhere when it is actually running on the spot. When you actually start doing the work, only then will you get off the wheel and start moving forward. Don't talk about what you're going to do. Grow some balls and just do it.

[MrBond]

"Ok I will use words such as understand and its her wishes.. I have a plan mrbond and I thank your patience with me."

Stop coming up with "plans". They are messing you up.

"I just want an understanding why I shouldnt say its about her? Would it not make her feel like wow even though it hurts him his doing it for me.. he listened to what I asked for?"

NO! That is not the reaction she's going to have. She's going to say, God I can't wait till he leaves. He irritates the sh*t out of me.

"Heres my plan
Do what you said..
Listen to everything you say either I like it or not."

Hold on here. You still don't get it. You have to actually UNDERSTAND why I'm recommending you do certain things. If you don't like it, then go ahead and keep doing what you're doing. Don't blame or put the responsibility on others and their advice just because you don't want to do the work to learn. In fact, you haven't even finished reading the book.

"I wont contact her until she contacts me
I will not check up on her in any shape or form"

I would very surprised if this happened.

"I will not answer her calls if I feel emotional and return it once ive prepped myself so when im in a happy mood
If she calls some calls ill answer
If she txts ill reply back in short txts"

Why don't you explain to all of us why you will be doing this?

"I will busy myself by going to the gym"

For what? And once you're done with the gym, then what?

"Since ill be back at my mums and in my area I will see my friends an go play pool,tennis football and keep myself happy"

Which won't have you learning anything about your sitch.

"If she calls and says shes going out or anything I have prepped myself to have the word test pop up in my mind.. she will expect me to say what time are you coming home, who you going with, where you going.. instead I will say ok well have a nice time"

End it here. I sincerely doubt she'll be calling you, but if she does, dont tell her that you expect her to tell you how it went.

"Try to quit smoking and get myself in good health for my sake.. and not mention it to her.. if she goes out with me for coffee then I wont mention it but let her notice.. thats my new thing now.. let her notice.. never mention"

Notice what? Just getting yourself physically healthy isn't enough.

"I want her to know im doing it for myself.. im a changed man.."

No you're doing it as a trick to get her back. Then once she's returned, you are going to go right back to the way you were. Just a suspicion I have. Go ahead and prove me wrong if you can.
How does this sound mrbond?"

[1Wish]

"Stop coming up with "plans". They are messing you up."

I dont know what to say to this except that its true as ive seen it myself.

"NO! That is not the reaction she's going to have. She's going to say, God I can't wait till he leaves. He irritates the sh*t out of me."

Hmm fair enough so keep it short and simple and look sincere.. also what reactions are we expecting from saying what you stated? I just want to get a better understanding.

"Hold on here. You still don't get it. You have to actually UNDERSTAND why I'm recommending you do certain things. If you don't like it, then go ahead and keep doing what you're doing. Don't blame or put the responsibility on others and their advice just because you don't want to do the work to learn. In fact, you haven't even finished reading the book."

I will read the book when im home, when im at my mums ill read it over and over again. I do want to understand certain things you tell me to do.. and I asked for the above if you dont mind.

"I would very surprised if this happened."

So would I.. but im constantly trying to get my mentality right in order to do it. But what methods can I use to help me from refraining from doing this? I understand meditation hekps to control the mind and now I see it in a whole new light which I will definitely give a go.

"Why don't you explain to all of us why you will be doing this?"

I will be doing this because if im emotional I will sound needy and desperate and also may become controlling, she'll pick it up from my voice.. however if im happy and upbeat it will make her wonder and theres more chance of having a pleasant convo rather than the depressing talk.. my only concern here is since she hopes I find someone and move on would this not make her feel like getting a divorce more as she says she will only stay with me for my sake and she would have to accept a miserable life

Ill answer a few calls and return most as it shows im doing things with my life and not just sitting around doing nothing.. which is something I plan on doing.

As for txts from what I heard its not good to txt back straight away however I dont understand why.. and usually with my txts.. well we all know how they go.

"For what? And once you're done with the gym, then what?"

Well since I work ill probz go gym during the evenings or late night with friends and then go home have a shower, eat go sleep.

"Which won't have you learning anything about your sitch."

Oh ok I thought this was galling sorry I may have been mistaken then because what you said makes sense.. how would I learn about my sitch? From what I know I would have thought reading the book but I feel thats not enough.

"End it here. I sincerely doubt she'll be calling you, but if she does, dont tell her that you expect her to tell you how it went."

Fair point and noted, I feel I would be so insecure if she didnt call thinking is she keeping herself busy by talking to the OG, it might make me call her on private number at night checking to see if her phones busy.. but she'll know its me.. no one calls her on private. I really need to control that negative [censored] of mine. my insecurity, controlling behaviour and jelousy are the worst and I honestly believe if I can come across them it would be such a big change to me that I can be very proud of.

"Notice what? Just getting yourself physically healthy isn't enough."

Notice my changes.. I understand physical changes wont make much of a difference in comparison to my mental side.. as thats where im seriously lacking. Please state other things that may contribute to a positive reponse.. I think doing something with passion such as working on my body and concentrating on work may be a good change as well.

"No you're doing it as a trick to get her back. Then once she's returned, you are going to go right back to the way you were. Just a suspicion I have. Go ahead and prove me wrong if you can."

I think it is mainly for her.. but there are a lot of things I really do want to do such as going gym/working out.. I hope these changes become things I want to do which a part of me does already.

[25yearsmlc]

Iwish

First, no text "conversations" are good. Seriously. They are meant to convey short simple messages such as "i'm on my way", where to meet for dinner, things needed at the store.

I cannot imagine a serious "talk" by text, being helpful. There's no way to gauge how the other person means it, or whether they are distracted or busy or looking at their watch as they say "i love you", etc.

It's NOT a good idea and in your case, I'd stick to simple facts that are truly needed, before I'd give more than a few words in reply. Your text conversations freaked me out b/c they seemed like a LONG LONG LONG needless spat between teenagers who can't spell well.

Sorry, but I literally forced myself to read the first one the whole way thru and could not do it a second time...I couldn't stand reading that much trivial repetitive controlling stuff.

You have a few serious issues and you must get some counseling for them. The controlling HER that you want to do, and lack of control when it comes to yourself, is appalling. Please, do work on that.

As for GAL, well frankly, for you to list 'housework and Playing video games" as GAL, just shocks me.

For me, those "activities" constitute what I mean by NOT getting a life.

I mean, what were you doing BEFORE you chose to "expand" into housework & video games? Were you just napping, eating and going to work?

Life has more to offer IF WE GO GET IT...but the 'offer" is not something that falls in our laps.

playing video games, to me, is more of the same teenage behavior that helped get you here. It's NOT GAL. GAL means by definition going beyond your typical activities., GROWING...in some way...

okay so, here we go...


For GAL suggestions, let me mention I did these things when we lived in the interior of Alaska, including in the winter.
I had 3 kids, including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL or how you don't know anyone.

I moved there knowing only my h and kids).

In short, You MEET NEW people...or you will never know another person other than your childhood friends...

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier, more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome your avoidance to real change, that inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it and being outdoors.

Learned to fly an airplane, and I got a pilot's license.

I Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of the Long LONG winters).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of active duty & not having joined.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

SO....I ask you this:

What club/group/organization can you JOIN this month?

What class/language/craft can you EXPLORE this month?

What activity/hobby or sport can you take up, this month?

What outreach or charity or church group or volunteer activity can you DO this month?

pick at least 2 from this list of questions, and get started on really, truly, changing your life, THIS MONTH. The rest is all talk...= "all Show, and no go".

[MrBond]

Ditto to what 25yearsmlc said.

[1Wish]

I will join a religious group to help open up my mind and pray to god for guidance and inner peace.

I will go gym and involve myself with sports, possibly football or tennis.

So yesterday I was out for a while and told her I had to see a friend to sort something out and it was important. She was furious she said you you didnt even help me after the dinner.. well I had to drop them home and all she had to do was the dishes... and by the time I would have been back she would have finished them regardless if I came straight home or not.. she then hanged up.

When I came home she didnt talk to me so I left her to it.. I then tried again to make convo which failed.. so I went to the bathroom getting ready to have a shower, she came in and took my fone and demanded to know what I had to do with my friend that was so important or she would break my fone. Wth!? So I had to tell her.. after she confiscated my fone and hid it. She was really nice surprisingly after.. held me and play fighted in bed again.. I dont get it.. she still expects me out.

Also is it a good idea to leave before the day she expects me to? She wants me to go saturday.. I am planning to go tuesday.. how would this work out?

[MrBond]

Yes just leave. No sad looks, no long goodbyes. In fact, I would suggest that you leave when she's not there. Maybe if she's at work or something. Because I have a feeling you're not going to be able to control yourself and say something.