The Tough Love thing has to be done on us BS/LBS's too.
That is exactly our point. Oxford is continually pointing at his wife and or OM for change in THEM, which he has zero control over. Plus he has his own flaws to work on and those are what his job is, not fixing her or OM.
Honestly dude, unless you get yourself straight in the head and heart (for your own benefit), this whole process will eat you alive. You'll do plenty of damage to what's left of the relationship too. Most of our wives not only take our hearts when they go, but they'll take our balls too if we're not wearing them at the time.
Um, not to quibble, but I'm sure how this^^ plays in.
Ox's anger has worsened things, not improved them. He needs to control HIMSELF, not others.
Ox, Start by GAL, please...you'll never detach without that and you will repeat your past dynamics too much.
Bottom line is this, No WAS comes home to a marriage they left,
UNLESS they believe the marriage can be
better/different than before.
It's your job to demonstrate YOUR changes...How on earth will she ever believe that YOU are different/better than before,
if you continue to repeat the same destructive (controlling and obsessive and insecure) behaviors as you have for so long?
Just stay in your sandbox and work on You...stay out of hers and for God's sake don't even think about OM's sandbox. He has his issues-- but the more you point them out, the more she'll defend him. Unlike many, you have a wife in the home to whom you could better interact (or repeat the past bad behaviors she uses to justify leaving you or wanting an OM) b/c OM is a symptom, NOT the cause... Fix yourself and improve the dynamics between you and your wife, and the rest takes care of itself. IN short, Back off, BE the better choice.
I wasted a year of my life wondering WHY?? my h was going all "Tundra" on me. A year I can't get back. (And our marriage had once been a truly excellent one, so we never had the toxic dynamics you are dealing with...)
I could have spent that year on myself and my kids' lives and improving them...but until he actually went up there, I could not figure this out. I tried and fell and got back up again and then when he left I realized I only had one healthy choice.
When I GAL, I finally saw the light...and my goal was NOT getting him back.
My goal was to be happy, with the expectation that he probably was gone forever.
And I did get happier, and so did our children.
So when he wanted back into the marriage/home, I hesitated a long time b/c I just was not sure I wanted to be hurt again AND also b/c I had come to like my new life quite a bit.
My guess is that I became the woman he fell in love with, again.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks Your post is excellent especially hearing it from a woman
This morning I was getting ready for the Gym, she was getting ready to go to our home gym and do her p90x
It was a normal morning. She looked at me and said OM is starting to drive me crazy . He never stops talking and makes me late for work. Then at work he forgets that my clients come first!
All I could say to myself was holy cr@p you tol me that I did this. I haven't been like this in years!
Then she said I need to tell him to back off he thinks he can control me from 6400 miles away!
Wow she could not have said these things at a better time! Everyone here is telling me back away shut up GAL and she's telling me he's making her nuts! Then she hugs me I mean like I have not had from her in a long time. A hug that could have if we were ready led to intimacy !
As a side note the collaborative lawyers and divorce coach want us to cancel the divorce for now! When do you hearl of divorce lawyers firing their clients!
I am going to spend every free moment rereading DB!
And i just have to STFU!
Last edited by Oxford1; 06/25/1411:52 AM.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
" if we end up together and you think your going to treat me the way you treated XXXX( his ex-common law wife of 17yrs) I would leave so fast you would not know what hit you!"
So why not just drop him Now is my internal mind thought!
" if we end up together and you think your going to treat me the way you treated XXXX( his ex-common law wife of 17yrs) I would leave so fast you would not know what hit you!"
So why not just drop him Now is my internal mind thought!
And how, exactly, is that ^^^ about "YOU YOU YOU," Oxford?
Thanks Your post is excellent especially hearing it from a woman
This morning I was getting ready for the Gym, she was getting ready to go to our home gym and do her p90x
It was a normal morning. She looked at me and said OM is starting to drive me crazy . He never stops talking and makes me late for work. Then at work he forgets that my clients come first!
All I could say to myself was holy cr@p you tol me that I did this. I haven't been like this in years!
Then she said I need to tell him to back off he thinks he can control me from 6400 miles away!
Wow she could not have said these things at a better time! Everyone here is telling me back away shut up GAL and she's telling me he's making her nuts! Then she hugs me I mean like I have not had from her in a long time. A hug that could have if we were ready led to intimacy !
As a side note the collaborative lawyers and divorce coach want us to cancel the divorce for now! When do you hearl of divorce lawyers firing their clients!
I am going to spend every free moment rereading DB!
And i just have to STFU!
And so I looked her square in her eyes, and calmly and firmly said "_______, I will say this only once. Please do NOT discuss your boyfriend with me while we are still married. It's incredibly disrespectful not only to me, but to our marriage and even to our family. You're a big girl -- figure it out."
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I guess I thought her opening up and complaining was good
Starsky I have to memorize and practice your line inredabove
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I guess I thought her opening up and complaining was good
No, not even close. It's UNHEALTHY and TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL for a wife to talk (even if it's complaining) to her husband about her BOYFRIEND.
Can you really not see that???
Do you want to convey "strong, attractive leader" to her or are you shooting for "gay boyfriend" territory?
I'm sorry to be harsh, but that's the best descriptor I can think of to describe what you're talking about here. It would be good for your wife to discuss that with her FRIENDS, or with her COUNSELOR . . . or even with you, once you two have reconciled . . . but NOT NOW!
Totally outta line, and I'm TELLING you (but you haven't listened) that she is LOSING RESPECT, LOSING ATTRACTION, and therefore LOSING LOVE for you every. single. time. you. do. that.
