But a word of caution if you do decide to make his green card the issue: the authorities might come after you for implied complicity.
A question for you, and forgive me for possibly projecting. Because I could see myself asking the same question at your age. The question is why you would embark on something so personal for your parents? If it's something you really want to do, that's A-OK. Just be careful to own what you want to do and not for any other reason. Trust me, it's no easier to do when you're 40 or 50 so you might as well get practice having the kind of life that you want for yourself.
A Catholic annulment is a whole different issue. I went that route, and although it was healing, it was really painful as well.
Hopefully this article helps you decide for yourself.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I meant legally. I'm really torn and I don't know myself whether or not the marriage was legit at this point. But you're right I don't know how pursuing this would make me feel other than to make myself look better towards others. Many have said from the start it was a green card marriage and now they have their proof. I guess I don't want to be made a fool. I have to discuss this IC I think and sleep on it.
Fraud in the marriage is a solid reason for an annulment and this sounds like it could be a case of that. Has he expressed any interest in trying to reconcile, i.e. marriage counseling or is he just h$ll bent on getting a divorce.
I'd meet with the annulment lawyer and lay all of the cards out on the table and see what the lawyer thinks.
I like BA's suggestion to talk to a lawyer before doing anything. That way, if depositions come into play and all your friends and family say they knew he only married you for the green card, you aren't left holding the bag and trying to back track to defend yourself. From what you wrote, I can see you genuinely loved him. His motives shouldn't have a bearing on what you do, right?
It's hard to stand up to parents and other "authority" figures - especially when they're used to controlling you and getting you to "see" their way. I'd hate for you to start your 30s knowing this is a battle well worth fighting. At some point, the stakes get bigger and the issues get more difficult to navigate. You have to own your life and learn how to tell them to go to hell and look forward to the trip. (Ok, I stole that from Winston Churchill, but you get the drift.)
After all, you're not their puppet. You're a real person with real feelings and needs that are separate from your FOO.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I've taken a break from the forums because my life has been super hectic, but I still think of you guys
So update- I decided to let the annulment go so I can just be done with things. Were officially divorced. I stopped contact all together except for today. XH keeps doing stuff like closing my bank account with out notifying me or like today when I was notified that I had a week to find insurance or I can't cover my upcoming MRI. (cobra is expensive.) So I texted him just asking him if he knew about the change in insurance. Of course he did. I was pissed he didn't give me a heads up sooner. He knew since the beginning of August. Yes I wanted to yell some profanities and ask him to kindly get his head out of his ass. Or I can sell the remainder of his items to pay off Cobra insurance (hehe) but I took a breather and texted forget about it. I feel like he's doing these things to see me suffer still. But I thought if he's that desperate for company on his journey to rock bottom he can find someone else to make miserable.
On a good note, yes I have chronic back problems. I've started doing yoga when I get off work to help my muscles. My Dr temporarily gave me anti inflammatory medication until the MRI is done. I feel and look great (except for back problems). I start grad school Monday, I'm scared but happy my boss is working around my schedule. I wonder if my brain still works.
Anyway so weird. So I dated briefly this guy when I was 22. He graduated before I did and moved to the east coast, it was not a serious relationship at that time. We texted on and off for the last six years about purely plutonic stuff. I don't have Facebook or any social media sites so it was crazy that he just started getting flirtatious (asking me if I was single). I didn't bring up all my problems but just answered yes I'm single. His family lives in California and he's visiting them towards fall, and wants to meet up. I'm not rushing a serious relationship (been separated officially for more than a year) and I feel ready to test the waters slowly. He is tall dark and handsome with some intelligence. Probably not as spontaneous as me, but a little bit difference is good. I feel like this moment was waiting for me....its just weird. I feel right about things with him even though were still just friends right now. But I feel like he carries a lot of potential... Well I won't put all my eggs in one basket, but I need to start somewhere. Can I have a do over please with a guy who is well grounded? as for me still seeing therapy less and less (recommended by therapist) she sees a lot of progress in me. I feel like I've dealt with a lot of deep seeded issues but some I still need to address.
Back problems stink. Mine began bothering me about a month ago. And so does the bottom of my right foot. Not sure what the deal is but havent been able to work out since. Good luck with grad school. What ya studying? And take it easy with new R. Make sure u feel strong and up for a challenge.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks Rick! I'm studying microbiology and working as a lab tech to pay the bills in the meanwhile. For the potentially new R I'm not placing any expectations on it. Just keeping it fun and light for now.
I feel like so much has changed the last few months. Hindsight from the past has completely changed. Maybe things weren't as good as I imagined them. Regardless, I don't feel my XH was a bad person. He just had a misconception that marriage was supposed to be easy, that we should never work out problems, and live in one concrete world of his. I now believe he was suffering from depression and projected a lot of his own desires to change by putting expectations on me. Being away from him, a lot of things that I was depressed about during the marriage have faded away. I do believe sadly, that his depression effected me because he refused to get help for it.
However, given all that, I tried my best and did not grovel in the end. Now my life has flipped going upwards. I got a decent paying job, am still planning that trip to Spain in summer, and am still talking to my other guy. I feel rejuvenated and finally feel like things are positive. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and now feel sorry more so for my XH. Mainly because he lost and took for granted a great person. :P But I have come to the point no longer hoping he will see the light, but just that he will be happy one day like I have found it. True happiness I think can come after forgiveness and understanding.
My goals this new year are to continue what I'm doing and keep moving forward.
I feel like I hit a vein and a million new pathways have appeared. My parents are moving back to the Midwest soon and I'm finding more and more job opportunities out of state. I am contemplating moving to the east coast soon. Also, although he is not the reason, guy I am seeing is out there. FYI it is not an internet relationship, just a guy I met in college at 19 that we dated for awhile back then. He still comes to California to see his parents but less and less due to his job.
It was kind of lonely because I had to work V day. But I've never been much into that holiday anyway. I think since it has been a year now since ex filed or this current relationship I've been having dreams of XH and I getting back together and being happy. Has anyone else had those? I don't want to get back together with him. I'm glad now this divorce has happened because I was miserable and he helped me see that when I had to live alone. But again he was my best friend for many years and we went from 65 to 0 overnight. I do miss our friendship. But the words he left me with was I was basically a horrible person forcing his hand to divorce me. I never so much as signed a paper in regards to the divorce but have looked past those words being glad I do not have to rewrite the past to justify my actions.
Overall, being as unscathed as i am a year later I am proud of how far i have made it. Even with bipolar disorder i maintained stability on my meds, did not take to drinking like i would in the last, and instead started to improve myself. I think mostly because of taking guidance from this site. i still have minor issues here and there but that's why i come back to you guys. :))
Checking in again. I regret I don't get more time to come on here and read about updates on others. I've been really busy but happy for the most part.
I was going full-blast serious with my current bf but decided to take a step back. We were going to move in with each other this upcoming month but with my sister recently graduating and looking for a job in the same area I live I decided to wait a bit longer and learn from my divorce not to jump in so quickly. I still love this man just don't want to do the divorce thing again lol 😁 so I'm thinking I'll move in a bigger place with my sister and she is okay with letting him move in if later down the road we decide that's best for us.
I've been eating super healthy and have been feeling great. I'm finally saving money after the debt divorce put me through and I like my job. I had some revelations with the therapist this week. I blamed myself towards of the end of marriage for not caring enough, but then he pointed out some horrific things my ex had done that made me stop caring. For most of the divorce I was pretty cool and collected considering...i did indulge in those occasional phone calls begging ex to reconsider his decision to divorce. But I didn't key his car or she for alimony. In general I was ideal for an ex wife. And up until recently I withheld my animosity towards ex. But then receiving s letter about him evading taxes with my name attached as well as him blaming me because he failed to pick up the rest of his stuff took the cake... He's lucky I still kept it. So I then realized ex has a habit of blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage and there on after. I admit....i wasn't perfect but he certainly was no angel. So he said he was going to ignore me if I kept saying mean stuff about him. Fine... I don't care. But when he ignored my calls regarding tax evasions I wrote a long letter that had everything I ever wanted to say to him on it but didn't because I didn't want to scare him away.
So my letter went something like dear ex, so you don't want to talk to me because you're afraid I'll hurt your feelings. Try living in a marriage with someone who does that everyday and then leaves you in financial ruins. I had to accept his mother called me names and accused me of trying to get pregnant for money. The first time I stood up to her he threatened divorce and I shied away. He called me fat and plain all the time. (I was fat but have since lost a lot of weight after the divorce). After we were married he said I couldn't pursue graduate school if I wanted kids because that would make me a neglectful mother. He made me choose between children and a career. He refused to move away from his parents despite the fact they continuously tried to ruin our marriage going as so far as suggesting we separate to be happy (when at that time we were). So yeah....i put up with all that and learned to grow thick skin. And in the end I deserve to say what I want without him complaining. So it felt damn good to write that letter furthermore getting a response about the taxes from him. I guess it doesn't pay to be nice if you're dealing with a narcissist. But after having wrote this letter I feel like I have nothing more to say and wouldn't be sad if those were my last words to him.
So I'm strong now and confident. I have a good man in my life who supports me on everything I do and most of all I got here myself. Hindsight is truly 20/20 because thinking of being with him again makes me disgusted. He was an emotional bully and tried to break me down to his ideal wife. Well next person I marry better love me like this or they don't deserve me
(Ok, I stole that from Winston Churchill, but you get the drift.) 
