H came by to pick up the kids this morning. He seems really down. He's been sleeping in his car, I gather. *sigh* I worry about him but at the same time... I can't keep doing crazy.
H hasn't asked me not to move and hasn't done anything to indicate that he wants to stop me at all. And he abandoned my generous attempts to negotiate with him for a way for the kids and I to say here. He wouldn't even address the serious, serious financial obstacles to us staying. But he told me this morning that he doesn't see how our friendship could survive me moving. Um, we're not friends? We're just fundamentally not. Friends don't run off and leave the other to do all the work of raising their family. If I'm good enough to be friends with, I'm good enough to stay married to. I have *ZERO* interest in being his friend outside our M. He's a lousy friend and always has been and he knows it. We're not friends. So, I don't know if that was meant to hurt my feelings or just is indicative of him being sad about the situation, but... We're not friends. Sorry.
I gently pointed out to him that his parents - who are in their 70s for crying out loud - are not going to be around forever and if he doesn't get it together the only thing they're going to remember on their deathbeds is the 20 years of time their ONLY CHILD spent away from them. How lonely and sad. I'm not being unreasonable by moving. He's being unreasonable by staying.
So, I'm spending my 4th of July alone, trying to figure out what to pack. I wish I was taking a reasonable size truck instead of just a uhaul trailer. But I can replace most of my furniture for the cost of moving it. And if H is staying here, he'll need furniture and he can use most of mine so we'd be saving a little money that way.
Yesterday, I went to see my friend K, who owns my favorite diner. She's my adopted Korean mom. We've been friends for a while. She's sad about me moving, I think. She said, "No, don't move. You should stay here. H is slow. All men are slow. He just needs more time. You stay. He loves you. He's not stupid, just slow." Made me sad. K is in her 60s. Her H died last fall, unexpectedly. He was a good friend and a great guy. He was always rooting for H and I to make it... but... almost three and a half years into a separation... H still doesn't know what he wants. That's not good enough. It's just not good enough.
I deserve better than this. And the kids don't deserve to be dragged through anymore of this "will they, won't they" crap. My S14 has been watching this play out for three and half years now. He still think H loves me and things will work out. I don't see H willing to do anything to make that possible and I'm sick of having my heart ripped out and watching my S14 get his hopes up and then hate his dad and then get his hopes up and then hate him. I keep trying to tell S14, "Don't count on it, don't get your hopes up. If it happens, it happens. We can't make it happen." But he can't help it. It's natural for kids to want their parents to stay together. But S14 is really excited about moving back to FL. He's really looking forward to spending a lot of time with my dad. My parents are really phenomenal grandparents. And I love my H... but he's a mediocre dad at best and a terrible one quite often. He's too depressed to get in the game. It's so painful to watch. I worry about him a lot. I hope he figures out where he's going to live and goes to the doctor before I leave. I know I'll have to fight my instincts to worry about him after the move. But I've been worrying about him for nearly 14 years now, so... I guess that's to be expected. Funny how I worry about him all the time but he never seems to worry about me at all, at least he doesn't act like it really.
Going through stuff in storage yesterday was hard. Found all these print outs of emails and IM conversations between H and I from waaaayyy back when. Gosh, we were so cute. He always loved me from the start. I always loved him, too. Took us over four years to admit it. Sad we didn't have the tools and support to make it. *shakes her head* But, ultimately, I can't tear down his walls for him. And I can only do so much and give him so much time. I'm moving on to a whole new phase of my life now. I'll keep all the love notes and the sad notes and the silly notes - I have nearly every single one - and some day my DD will know the greatest and saddest love story our family has ever known. And I'll try to teach her everything I learned so maybe she'll have a better chance of making it with her soulmate. Maybe that way, there'll be some value in me having lost mine.
Very inspiring journal. Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best always.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
We had a big ol' fight about it and any hope I had for reconciliation is 100% dead at this point. He finally got a new checking account - after spending lots from "our" account, of course - locked me out of my bill pay, I can't get statements anymore, he changed the direct deposit to less than I can live on, and then he transferred his phone number from the family account - even though I was the sole owner for the account - and got a new phone. All a childish, hissy fit reaction to me moving. Gods forbid I do what's best for me for a change. This is what I get. More lies, more deceit, more abuse, more attempts to be controlling and manipulative. Nice. I keep thinking more and more how horrifying immature H is emotionally. It really does explain everything. Only an immature person would walk out on our M like he did without a fight.
I can't wait to get the f#ck away from here. I really don't want to see him anymore. I wish I could stab the bit of me that still loves him to death and be done with it. Three and a half years of me trying to DB this mess and he did NOTHING. He sabotaged everything.
Let this be a warning to all you DBers... there's such a thing as too long, too far. When you've been DBing so long and given up other opportunities to keep that door open for your WAS for so long ... when it doesn't work out, it becomes a whole 'nother mess to have to claw your way out of, start all over, detach all over again, hurt again, and get on with life all over again. When DBing fails, it hurts almost as much as when your WAS first dropped the bomb. Actually, it hurts more, in a way. Because they betrayed your covenant and you STILL stayed committed to the marriage... and it meant nothing. I'm really angry. And really hurt.
I should have filed when I felt stronger and more confident and pulled together. It might have even saved my M. Still don't believe this is what my WAH wants. So much says he's just hurt and scared and STUPID.
I have an appointment with a L on Wednesday. Whoopdy doo. Let's all be grown ups about this, right? *eye roll*sigh* So much for his claims to want to do this fairly and amiably on our own.
Meeting with L today. Feeling sick already. I don't want to do this. Hopefully she's nice because I'm super crazy anxious.
Talked to H yesterday. That was weird and possibly a mistake. Basically figured out that all this lately has been because of miscommunication - again. He thought he had one to two meetings with a MC to decide 100% to agree to fully 100% recommit to our M. I said I could only give him a couple meetings before I would need to know what direction we were headed in because I had to give notice on my apartment. I told him that my preference was that by then he be able to say that he would offer me at least a boyfriend/girlfriend level of respect and commitment while we continue working with the MC to see if we could save our marriage. So once again, things are a mess because WAH has selective hearing. He still said he was willing to go to a MC to be convinced our M could be saved. I asked him point blank, "If it can be saved, do you want it to be saved?" He said he doesn't know. Sounds like a step backward, not terribly surprising given recent events.
It seems really tragic that all this is happening because H needs to unclog his stupid ears. I asked him, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, if I committed to staying here for one more year, would he commit to going to MC and continuing going. He said he doesn't know and asked if he could get back to me about it today sometime.
I'm really beginning to suspect that there's some OP or potential OP he doesn't want to rule out. That or he wants to start dating or something. I don't know.
All I know is I've got an apartment full of stuff to deal with and I'm so anxious and upset I feel sick and tired all the time.
My mom arrives Friday to help out and I've engaged a pro to come help for about 8 hours which is going to cost a pretty penny indeed.
