The consensus around here is that rings are a personal choice. Some people wear them as a reminder that they are standing up for their marriage. Others take them off as a sign that the old marriage is dead, or to help detach. You can experiment with what feels right to you. Your decision can change every day. Trying to guess if W will read the ring in a particular way is mind-reading, which never did anyone any good. Decide what wearing it means to you and choose accordingly.
Food for thought: you can't control her. Only yourself. You may have "made" her take off her ring, but that probably had consequences. I wouldn't repeat it, no matter how disrespected and angry you feel. Focus on yourself. Yes, she's disrespecting you. Distance yourself. She's a crazy neighbor for now. You wouldn't tell your crazy neighbor how to live her life, would you?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Well, this morning was interesting. Got the boys an I to church on time. W came in a bit later. Noticed her crying during two worship songs (In Christ Alone and Amazing Grace). Then she wanted to chat for a few minutes after the service. I bloody fell for it! I'm so darned attracted to her beauty and the sound of her voice. She was talking like we always used to. I think her quiet sobs in service weekened me. Every step I made this week to detach was lost.
I did cry a bit in service myself, when they prayed for the children. Amazing Grace was always a tough song for me too. I don't feel hurt right now though like I usually would have after such contact with her. She even told me that she took the boys out on Wednesday to buy a Father's Day gift and for me not to be mad.
Don't know why my edit didn't take... Now, trying to get S16 to get some make-up homework done so he has a chance to pass. Then taking both of them out to do something fun on this beautiful Sunday.
Don't see much dust on me right now. I'm sure the hurt will come later. She just called me from work to talk about blinds in the kids' room. I let it go to VM. Trying to tell myself not to expect anything and keep the changes I'm making going and for myself. Buy t I must say that I did look good in Church this morning. Dressed in all linen, thinner body and face. Clean shaven and gel in my shorter hair. Smiling at my boys and praying deeply. It felt good.
W called twice this afternoon. First time was to talk about blinds for the kids room. Told her I didn't have the money in my new account and don't have a charge card anymore. She all but insisted on charging it on her account. I said no. Next call was after a text saying she had to change the password on my car insurance. She knew before and I restated this morning that I was taking care of this and she could pay me for her portion. The kicker is that she started the conversation with "so what are you doing". She thinks I just want to chat. Then she hit me with the part about closing the joint bank acount that I walked away from. All this will do is cost more money that she could be putting toward her part of the debt. For some reason this hurt me.
I just sent her a text saying "aside from talking about the boys' needs, as long as you are seeing the other guy, I do not want to talk with you. Today I let my guard down and once again you put me in a place I didn't need to be.
Dad+2: I've read through some of your story. Based upon your last post, it seems you're handling things well. Keep the conversation about kids, etc only...no R discussion at all! Nothing of any substance until OM is completely out of the picture.
Hang in there...it sounds like you're doing the right things.
It's not our R discussions that bother me, it her continued movement toward divorce and "their R" discussions that I have issues with. This is why I must stay dark most of the time.
I've been told I'm making some good progress in changing myself for the better. Maybe I can come out of dark mode someday and she'll see.
Snooping shows that W and OM phone conversations have slowed down a lot. Don't know about facetime or snapchat. Both my mom and her sister have told her she needs to spend more time with the boys. I hear that she cried when my mom told her that watching TV with them in my home was not apropriate. The STBX's home is not the place for her to hang out.
No expectations, but any emotion is a pleasent change.
W came by the house by request of S16. He wanted her to make whoopee pies for school tomorrow. I said hi and went to take a shower and relax in my bedroom. I her she got ticked off because I switch the boy's school lunch payment plan and account emails plus the same with our Netflix account info. I did this because she had not updated her bank card info and both were in default. I figure if she's not here, then why should she be on the accounts. She was playing so nice since she moved out but tonight her old grouchy, snippy self came out gain. I'm glad I stayed out of it and let her gripe to my mom (aka mediator).
Every so often I come by and check things out. I used to live on these boards in 2007-2008.
Needless to say I didn't save my marriage. Infidelity was involved.
The little I can share is by way of the mistakes I made.
1. A person who who is a serial cheater and doesn't show remorse and says they want to leave the marriage is very, very hard to turn around. If it's a WAW, even MWD says it's tough. Im my opinion your wife isn't worth turning around. (The whole describing her sex life with other guy is unconscionable. The harder you try, the weaker and more unattractive you seem to her. Proceed AS IF you are going to move on with your life and get a divorce -- this may make her wake up, or it may not.
2. Protect yourself. Go see a lawyer, know your rights and have a strategy. Don't simply be reactive and wait to see what she does.
3. Stay in your home with your boys. She may wake up one day and decide SHE wants the house and kids so she can raise them with her new boyfriend.
4. If you act AS IF you are getting divorced, set the tone: healthy boundaries (you are) and cordiality (since she's still the mom of your children). Let her know ahead of time what accounts you are closing, etc. If you divorce, you will need to deal with her till your youngest is out of the house. You don't need an all out war on your hands all the time. On the other hand -- you don't need to be nice to her.
5. For fun, and a slightly more jaded perspective on saving a marriage to a cheater -- read the blog Chump Lady. It's hilarious.
