I will admit that I feel so much better now than I have in a long time. All the worrying about my M has really held me back from doing the best job I can. That is totally on me and I really need to let go and start to worry only about doing the best I can for myself and both my girls.
I don't care how you do it, but DO get THAT ^^^ sunk into your head. Man I still remember the peace and calm that came over me when I did....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks Guys! Tried to post but I'm STILL having Internet problems at home.
The not knowing if I would have the funds to just live has weighed heavy on me, more than I thought! It's like having all this built up pressure finally released. I'm sure it has had a big effect on how I've been dealing with my W for awhile. I'm still very concerned about how she is going to take care of D14 when she has her. She works late almost every night and I know she will just leave her there alone. My W seems to think that at 14 she can fend for herself but I know that it's the time after school before a parent comes home where most kids get into trouble. Just yesterday she was supposed to take our D to get her phone activated and then see her new home for the first time. She ended up just not showing up or calling until 8:30 last night. I think she was taking stuff to her new place in her friends truck but that is no longer my business. It just doesn't bode well for the future.
I swear I can't understand why my W is pushing so hard for 50/50 custody as it's clear that she just won't be able to be there as much as she should. Maybe she doesn't want to pay CS, maybe it's just part of her fantasy that she will be a better mother just because she is D and will be happier. (I've read that this is very common with women who start a D. It's also the first thing they find out doesn't happen!). I can't imagine she won't have to work as many hours or go away as often. Oh, well. Just a little venting. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Thanks again for the encouragement guys! Really does help!
Good morning everyone, Another day another problem. Several years ago before my W went back to work, her grand mother had an estate sale when selling her home. My wife insisted on buying many pieces of furniture, art work, etc. It cost us several thousand dollars and emptied our bank account at the time. I didn't even want most of it but since it meant a lot to my W, I went ahead and did it.
Now my W is taking all of it saying it's "her family" stuff! She needs furniture, I get that but I really don't think it's right for her to take all that. She also is taking a chair we just bought last summer, the nicest piece of furniture we have that's not an antique. She's leaving a couple chairs that were her grand mothers but are ugly and worthless! She also seems to think she gets to keep things that her family gave us when we got married like silver and plates (all valuable) because it's "her" family stuff. This stuff was given to us, not her and is the most valuable stuff we own. Doesn't seem right that she get all of it.
Anyone know anything about this? I could call my lawyer and ask him but that costs money. This is part of what really bothers me about how my W is going about things. She thinks she can control the entire process. Like the way she acted when all I did was say I didn't like the idea she had about 7days/7days custody arangement. She freaks out when something might not go as SHE plans. This is all part of her D isn't bad or painful fantasy. So far she has been getting her way but I have a feeling she's going to have to face the truth soon as she is moving out.
Last night she took our D14 to see the house she rented. Of course she went to the phone store first and my D got all excited about that! W has been buying her stuff and being so much nicer to her than she has in years (ever!). If I didn't know that as soon as she gets what she wants (D14 wanting to live with her), she's going to go right back to being the way she has all along, I would be happy for my D as she has 't had much of a relationship with her mom. Of course my D is loving the attention and has wanted her mother to be like this forever. Who knows what's going through her head.
I'm sure someone here must have had some experience with this kind of "family" stuff issue and I'm wondering how they resolved it. Thanks!
If it was an inheritance, then it COULD be considered hers alone..
If is was purchased (as you have said), then even though they are her "family" items, they were purchased with Marital money, henceforth considered.....Marital property.
Not sure about the other stuff, although I would assume that Wedding gifts are considered Marital property as well...
Thanks Mach and cadet, I guess the problem I have is that I can't come to any type of agreement with her as she will change her mind or say that we never even had an agreement. She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with this. She keeps insisting that we "don't have anything" to settle about and I guess if she thinks she can take whatever she thinks she wants and feel justified doing it, she's right.
I spoke with her last night briefly about the cost of private school for our D14. She knew aprox. how much it would cost and I told her I had looked into and told her how much exactly it would be. Her response was "I can't afford that". I told her that I am going to try to get financial assistance as now that we no longer are going to have 2 incomes she (D14) may qualify. Of course, it may be better if our D14 was in my custody as for now, I make a lot less than she does. That is going to be a sticking point in D and I guess we will see how much her wanting 50/50 is because of what's best for our D or because she doesn't want to pay CS or have to explain why she doesn't have custody.
I also have a problem with the fact that I'm the one having to do this kind of thing. All she wants to think about is moving into her new place and is acting like a kid getting her first apt. She is supposed to be filling out forms about how much she has in her retirement accounts and in our health expense account through her work but I don't even think she knows where to find the info and hasn't even tried. There's also the fact that our oldest D18 is going to want to start college in the fall and she will need a car and help with expenses. Since W rented this place she acts like D18 doesn't even exist except to say she can come and stay with her whenever she wants.
She was in such a hurry when her father was around to get this D going and done (a total 180 from just a week before when she was just wanting to separate) and now that he is away again, she is slowing down on that front. It seems that when she gets angry at me (just before she filed I told her I didn't want D14 leaving the state for the summer to stay alone with her father 1000 miles away) she gets all "I want a divorce, now!" but when I'm being agreeable to what she wants, she just isn't in a hurry. Of course a D isn't going to allow her to do whatever she wants when it comes to our D either but in her mind she seems to think it will.
I'm fairly certain that there is a storm brewing as soon as she gets moved in and the details are going to need to be worked out. I'm guessing that she is in for a surprise when she starts to see that her lawyer expenses are going to go up. Her father agreed to pay the retainer but her L is on an hourly rate where mine has agreed to a flat fee. I think I had better start taking an inventory of all the things that are owned by both of us before she takes it all away. She may not be prepared but I will be damned if I'm not going to be!
Good morning all, Last night I didn't go to a GAL event I had planned. For some reason I just didn't feel like it. I am starting to get a little depressed as my W removes more and more of the things that we had collected over a life time to take to HER new place. She has wanted to be alone and away from the stress of family for a long time and this is her escape. Of course, there are many things I'll be glad to be rid of and she has stuffed our small home with so many "things" but she isn't taking those things, yet.
I got a call at about 9:00 last night from my W. She says "Do we have a long piece of pipe?". When I asked why, she said she had a flat tire and she can't get the lug nuts off. She didn't ask for my help other than the pipe but I asked her where she was and told her I didn't mind coming and helping her. On my way I get a call from her BF's boyfriend (not BF since she knows that I know that she has been telling my W that I will do "awful" things to get back at her!) asking if I was on my way as there are a bunch of guys with my wife and she didn't think she was safe. I get there and she had the lug nuts off. The guys had helped her and left. She was saying she wanted to do it all on her own and didn't need my help. She had her owners manual out and was trying to figure out how to work the jack. It would have been funny if it wasn't for her "I don't need you" attitude.
So, I told her that it was fine, I don't mind helping her when she is in trouble and changed the tire. She kept going on and on about how her father made her change a tire when he taught her to drive, she just needed a pipe, she was fully able to do this. For my part I just ignored that and fixed the dang tire. She was thankful and I told her when I was done that I really don't mind helping her and she can always call me when she's in trouble. She said that was the same for me if I needed help but added that changing a tire might not be something she can help with. Since than she has thanked me several times.
I'm so sure that so much of the reason she is leaving is that she wants to be seen as able to take care of herself. Her BF and the people she works with all are D or single and it is a big thing for them to be able to be self sufficient, not need a "man". I'm sure my W really didn't want to call me and ask for help.
Part of me wishes I had been out last night and not available to come and help her. She needs to see what being on her own is really all about. Of course, I really didn't mind and would have helped a stranger in the same predicament if I saw them. I'm thinking about getting her a length of pipe to keep in her car for the next time she needs to fix a flat.
Another thing I have noticed is she is now talking to her father several times a day. Before he came to take her to the lawyer, he hardly ever called or texted. Since then (and since they found out his cancer is back) he is always calling and she is always texting with him. This just helps her as she is getting what she has wanted for so long from him now that she is doing what he has told her he wanted her to do for years, leave me! They say that women who leave like this all have someone who is giving them support and in her case, it surely is her father. So sad that a scum bag like him gets what he wants while so many good , innocent people have to pay the price! Yes, I know it's not his fault all this is happening, it's what my W has decided she "needs" but if he would have just stayed out of our lives things would be very different.
I think you hit the nail on the head that if you had been out GAL, you would not have been in the position to come help. IMHO, she wants to experience living without you, she needs to experience you not coming to her aid.
Let her stop at Home Depot and buy a pipe.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Next time, let her fix it. It was nice of you, but not what she asked for. Pretend she is a ridiculous college prof...give exactly what she asks for and nothing more. Back way off.
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So sad that a scum bag like him gets what he wants while so many good , innocent people have to pay the price! Yes, I know it's not his fault all this is happening, it's what my W has decided she "needs" but if he would have just stayed out of our lives things would be very different.
If it wasn't this scumbag, it woulda been another one. Sadly, there's plenty of scumbags in the world. Shut down the Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda's...If she wasn't so broken herself, her Dad wouldn't have been able to work his way into all this.
Focus on YOU.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
