Also - it's interesting how your H said it'd be bad to rush into marriage without living with someone first... and yet here he is. Sheesh.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Hope, so sorry to hear about the OW and the rest of what your H has been hiding from you. It's good you are getting tested. Keep your head up and know you are better than this!
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
Do you find that a lot of things make more sense now that you know that was underlying everything?
Yes, it does make a lot more sense. In some ways, it makes it easier. As in, I recognize that the reason he refused to give us another chance is because he was involved with someone else already. I do wish he'd been honest from the beginning, though. I had really gotten to a point of peace with everything that had happened and was really, truly happy with how my life was. In fact, 30 minutes before I found out about his infidelity, I had sent a text message to a friend who had just found out about the D saying that I felt we had gotten married to young, I was happy and at peace, and was really looking forward to the future. I feel like I've started the cycle over at square one now.
H now knows that I know about his A. He called me two days in a row to talk/vent about some drama that's going on in his family because I'm the "only one" who understands them. He apologized for dumping all of that on me and I said, "Oh, it's ok. I'm just reading some funny quotes on the internet. It doesn't bother me at all." He asked me what kind of quotes, so I read to him a quote from the OW's Pinterest board. It was a quote that he "liked." It said something along the lines of, "I'm not mad that you lied to me. I'm mad that you insulted my intelligence." We also had a coparenting conversation where I dropped lots of hints about what I knew, the wedding planning in particular. So, he called me Friday morning and said, "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise me you won't get mad." I responded, "You know I'm not nearly stupid enough to promise I won't get mad when you start a conversation with that." He told me that he had started seeing someone, but that nothing had happened yet. I said, "Oh, yeah, I know. You started seeing her almost a year ago. I even know that you f^&*ed her in our camper 47 weeks ago." He told me that he knew I knew, but wasn't sure how. If I Google their names together, it is the very first search result.
He claims a few things. First of all, he says that he didn't know her 47 weeks ago, so that can't be accurate. He also claims that they just started sleeping together a couple of months ago, after the last time we were together. He says that they aren't planning to get married or move in together, that it's just a joke between the two of them. He says that they didn't kiss for the first time until after he already told me he wanted a S. Of course, I believe absolutely none of this. Because I asked, he also confirmed that the OW does NOT know that he and I were still sleeping together. I'm sure that information would put a little wrinkle in their relationship, especially since he told me she specifically asked and he lied to her.
So, my feelings are all over the place. I'm hurt and angry. I'm so angry with myself for not seeing what was in front of me. I feel so stupid. He manipulated me repeatedly. When I would become suspicious about an OW, he would say something like, "As much as I've already hurt you, don't you think I'd just tell you if there was?" I feel like my sense of self has been knocked off-kilter and that's really hard for me to cope with. I don't think it is something that has ever happened to me before.
I'm also really insulted. I'm attractive, smart, highly educated, kind, a wonderful mother, classy, compassionate and all sorts of other things. He's given that up and chosen someone who actually has a social media account where she used the word "hussy" in her username. That's what he thinks is better than me??? He did say to me that I'm better than she is in many, many ways, but that she's just "different."
I asked him to have her take down her board dedicated to my D7, which she did. He took down all of his Pinterest boards without me even asking. I also asked him to ask her to take down her board that was dedicated to him (because it had things like close up pictures of a couple's tongues engaged in a passionate kiss) with descriptive comments from her to him. I told him that I felt that it was disrespectful and if she had any class at all, she would take it down as he was still a married man. She did not take it down, but she did at least remove his name from it. I think the fact that they were both willing to publicly humiliate me is one of the worst parts. He claims that neither one of them knew that the information was so readily searchable or they wouldn't have done it because they weren't trying to hurt me. He says that she is a "good person" and she feels really terrible about it. Yup, because good people regularly sleep with other women's husbands.
H is acting really stupid. I don't know another word for it. I asked, calmly and with research to back it up, for an injunction in our decree barring either of us from introducing D7 to someone we are dating for at least 6 months from the date the D is final. H completely freaked out. He said that this is about trying to control him and he is already planning to introduce them and the OW just wants to be D7's friend. Ummm, no. It's too soon. Her therapist believes it is too soon. So, H sent me an email saying that since I was trying to control him, he wanted to return the favor. He says he wants receipts for everything I spend child support money on. He wants something in our paperwork saying that our D7 must eat dinner by 7 pm every night (which is impossible due to some of her activities). He also is demanding that the decree say that D7 can't watch TV during the school week and can only watch for an hour a day during the summer. That one's pretty funny since it's always been MY rule that he thought was unnecessary and refused to enforce.
I'm not sure what his rush is. Can he truly just not see what is best for our D7 because of his adolescent infatuation with OW?
Hi Hope, I don't have any advice just support. I'm sorry you have to deal with his stupidity. Just keep doing what is best for your D and you. His ridiculous demands aren't anything to do with your D's best interest but him throwing a tantrum because he wants only his way and you aren't taking his BS! What a rude awakening your H will have eventually! You are such a strong woman and worth a hell of a lot more than you are getting now. Hang in there
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
I'm sorry you are in this place. It does seem that moving out to "be alone", "find happiness ", and "become a better father" (all common on this board ) is code for OW. It's good that you are releasing your anger. Please don't be too hard on yourself-it's understandable that you believed your h as you've known him for so long.
In regards to your h's suggested modifications, they are absurd. I agree that it's way too soon for intros to OW, but he is being rather self centered at this time disregarding anyone's feelings other than his own. However, I strongly doubt your h is going to listen when it comes to OW. She's his shiny, new thing and wants to show her off.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm sorry you are in this place. It does seem that moving out to "be alone", "find happiness ", and "become a better father" (all common on this board ) are euphemisms for OW. It's good that you are releasing your anger. Please don't be too hard on yourself-it's understandable that you believed your h as you've known him for so long.
In regards to your h's suggested modifications, they are absurd. I agree that it's way too soon for intros to OW, but he is being rather self centered at this time disregarding anyone's feelings other than his own. However, I strongly doubt your h is going to listen when it comes to OW. She's his shiny, new thing and wants to show her off.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks Csan & GB. I promise to read again later when I'm not at work!!
I just need to vent for a second! Why is it that H stepped out of our M and violated his vows and yet he is the one who acts angry and wronged? WTF????? I think that our amicable D is now going to end up in mediation at the very least because he has become completely unreasonable. Yes, I'm pi$$ed about his A, but I, to the best of my ability, and am acting with grace and dignity. He has even commented several times that I am displaying more character through all of this than anyone he has ever known. He cannot say the same for himself.
His newest demand for our divorce...saying that our D7 gets the deciding vote if I ever choose to sell my house. Because, yes, it's an awesome idea to let minor children make complex financial decisions. I get that it is irrelevant because no court would ever grant it, but when he tries to negotiate (READ: get me to back down) by throwing out these crazy ideas, it makes it impossible to have a sane, rational discussion about what is in D7's best interest.
I think I need to pray...or drink...or maybe both...
LOL...yes, a prayer...and then a drink is a perfect idea
So, I'm confused. I thought I was done with my M. I was over it. I had decided that my H was a selfish human being beyond repair and I was better off without him. In many ways, I still think that's true. BUT...I'm finding myself really wondering if I'm done. I didn't know what the issue was keeping him from trying before. I now feel armed with additional information that would have been SOOOO helpful to me before. I feel like I didn't really have a chance before because I didn't know everything that was in my path.
And, then, I wonder if my feelings now are really about "winning" or beating the OW.
Am I being stupid? Crazy? Tell me...I can handle it!
