What to do

[Ben2010]

So Ive been seperated from my wife for almost a week now. We have been married almost 2 years. Our problems started about 8 months ago. We both work fulltime and she had started school for nursing. I was told that during the nursing program it would be hell on our M. I didnt know what they meant until it happened. She was going to school 4 days a week very early in the AM and working after that until about 10PM. I didnt have any issues with that other than the fact that she was spending so much time with her sister instead of me. She would always make excuses that she didnt have time to do anything other than work and school but still managed to make time for the sister. It caused major fighting between us. During this time she also found porn on the computer, which she hates and is disgusted by. It has always been a problem for me. Im pretty sure its on the level of addiction. This caused more major fighting that never got resolved. We have never had a great sex life and that could be due to me looking at porn, not sure. I have always been attracted to her just didnt feel like doing it most of the time. We had kind of stabilized for a few months but i decided to start going to the gym in an effort to make her more attracted to me as i thought this was the issue with not wanting to spend time together. This is the part where i really messed up. There was a group of us from work that went together, about 6 of us. Slowly it dwindled down to just me and another girl from work. So we would always work out together. One night after the gym I was sitting in this girl's car smoking because it was cold outside and her car was warmer than mine. I know that i shouldnt have done this, but i wasnt thinking correctly. The wife was apparently spying on me at the time...She came up to my work the next day and lost it. She asked the girl if we were having sex. Of course she said no because we were not. Which i also told the wife. This of course caused major issues for us for quite some time. Although right after that the wife took me to a sex shop and bought some toys and wanted to use them. I guess this was to show me that she was open to doing whatever, not sure. I thought we were going to be ok but it never went back to normal. We have been fighting off and on for the past few months now. The other night i asked her if she wanted to have sex, she said no. I got upset with this of course. We got in a big argument and she told me that she wasnt sure if we could make it or not. Of course i always asked her if she cant forgive me for issues then why doesnt she just get a divorce. This appears to have been a mistake. She told me that she didnt want a divorce but wanted to go stay with her parents for a while to see if we can miss each other enough to make this work. I agreed to this but when it came time to do so the next night I didnt do so well. I started crying and told her that I would get help with the porn thing and also go see a counselor and doctor about my massive mood swings. Thats another issue, she claims that i have always been mean to her throughout our relationship of ten years, 2 years of M. I realize that its a problem for me. I have been on anti depressants before and they worked until i had sexual side effects. I stopped taking them. She says during that time period that i was the nicest i have ever been to her. She left last Tuesday. I went to see a counselor on Thursday. Set up a doctors appointment for this tuesday, the earliest i could get in. I am serious about fixing myself. I know that I need some kind of help. When she left the last thing she said to me was to not give up and not doing anything stupid, a referrence to suicide. We talk on the phone almost every night since then. I dont ever call her. Ive been reading this site since it started. I dont text or email first. I try to be the first to say goodbye, doesnt always work. Always try to stay positive during the conversations. The problem is that when we talk it is never about anything that pertains to our R. She even goes as far as to tell me that she feels bad because she cant do anything with her friend next weekend because its her nephews graduation. Not that she feels bad or even requests to see me. She seems to be having the time of her life without me. I have not seen her since she left. I feel like this is very early on but I dont want her to forget about me. Its getting harder and harder to not lose my mind over this. I want to call her and I want to see her. She doesnt seem to be interested in any of that. All she took with her is work clothes, so I know that she will have to come back to get some of her stuff sooner or later. I have never been on this end of the R, always been the one with the power I guess you could say. I dont go out of my way to push dates or anything. It has always been her. This drastic change makes me think that things are not going to work out. Someone please give me some advice for this.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Ben2010]

Thanks for the response. Im trying to get a life. Getting out with friends, trying to be more socially open to new things, taking up a new hobby etc. The whole time though all I can think about is her. I push people away when I think she will call me so that I can be alone to talk to her. I started thinking about whether I would be able to make it without her today. The answer is yes that I could, I would be fine, but I dont want that. I have a doctor's appointment today so hopefully he will shed some light on my situation. In reality I want him to prescribe me some medicine. I know that depression is not good for me. Even without the R discussion, it has cost me a lot of friends and I'm sure fun times with them. I hate not feeling like doing things with anyone or leaving the house. Just seems that I dont have the motivation. I'm afraid to start working out again as the wife will think that I am going to meet that girl at the gym again. I refuse to even talk to her at all now.

I do have a question about the phone call thing though. Please dont regard me as lazy as of yet. I have ordered both DB/DR but they just shipped yesterday, not her yet. She calls me almost every night, but im not sure how to receive the times when she doesnt call me. Last night she just text me to tell me that she hopes my DR's appointment goes well and that She is going bed and loves me. I just text back "Thanks. I love you too." Should there be times when I dont answer the phone for her because I am "busy"? There is never a time when I dont want to talk to her. Ive started to try to actually listen to what she is saying. I wont claim to understand it in depth at all, but I'm trying. There has been no talk of the R since this time last week and I have not seen her since then either. Last night was the first time I had trouble sleeping. All I could do was think about her and the situation, wondering if she misses me. I pray every night now for her healing, very hard for me to say that I hope she is happy with or without me. Not even sure if I really have entertained the idea of her without me. I say it, but not sure if I truly mean it yet.

[Ben2010]

So I went to the doctor today and he put me on Wellbutrin. Says it should be much better than Paxil. The wife did text me right after the appointment to ask me how it went. I told her that it went well and that I was excited because it also has the possibility to help me stop smoking. This isnt anything that was an issue for us because we both smoke. We have always talked about quitting but never really have. I know that Im supposed to try to detach and live as if she is not coming back, but I keep thinking that I could at least tell her that I miss her and maybe that would help. I have not told her that at all since the split.

[Ben2010]

I also wanted to get a couple of people's feelings toward a letter of reconciliation. I have read about them a lot on Christian based postings about losing your wife. Are they a disaster waiting to happen?

[Ben2010]

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Can you please elaborate on this Cadet? I'm not sure that I can put it to context here.

[Ben2010]

I messed up last night. I had gone out to eat with my brother and his wife. I came home EXPECTING to get a call or something from her. I know that Im not supposed to have expectations, but we always talk at night. Last night was the first night that she didnt call or text or anything. It drove me nuts. I couldnt sleep at all. I know that Im not supposed to initiate conversations with her, but I couldnt help but to text her. I told her "I miss you and I love you. Good night. This morning I get a text back saying "I was already asleep I love you too." Nothing about missing me or anything...Im so lost right now. This was supposed to be a separation to hopefully miss each other and work it out.

[Ben2010]

I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas for GAL. I dont have that many friends anymore outside of one great one and my brother, who I am very close with. I dont have much that comes to mind really.

[rayzzz]

oh man you have got to try Qigong. It is like tai-chi plus acupuncture and is a great destresser, exercise that science has found can help manage diabetes, back problems, immune deficiencies. When I first entered this WAW hell I started it and it is my fave. plus it incorporates visualization meditation, a great skill to nurture when you have a broken heart. also ultimate frisbee. or if you are real adventerous Meetup.com sometimes has a "first time" club where a bunch of people do brand new experiences, you guessed it for the first time. pretty liberating i hear, i am signing up. Stay strong

[Ben2010]

That all sounds very interesting and it is a big step for me to even consider doing something like this. Thanks for the response, looking up Qigong right now.