Wife walking away

[LBSinTX]

IDK. I know she's getting pretty involved with someone else. She did not wish me happy father's day. Don't want to do harm. I guess I will.

[LBSinTX]

When bomb was dropped I didn't resist. I said it's for the best. I apologized and took the lion's share of responsibility. After all, I'd been the focus for so long. I'd been fighting very hard for several months to make her happy and I'd been reading advice online before I found this site. The advice I read was to not resist and play it cool. Likewise, when it came to divorce talk I didn't resist and we talked about agreements. Now, I believe she knows that I don't want it and I've read a lot on MLC and am certain that's what is going on with her. I do acknowledge what I did to contribute to the problems in the marriage. I've gone dim. We still chat when we see each other briefly. Somehow, though she seems to steer us into an argument. So, I'm trying to detach and want to limit contact but not go completely dark. We have kids together. My question is whether or not I should express at this point that I don't want the divorce or express that I want to save our marriage. I'm afraid she'll see me as waffling and now throwing down some road block and it will enrage her. Any advice?

[Ben2010]

It doesnt have to be a roadblock when you let her know you dont want a D. Just tell her "I understand that you feel that D is the best option here, just know that isnt what I want." You can leave it at that. Its nice and simple and should not provoke an argument. Either way, when it starts getting heated it is up to you to defuse the situation. Stay calm and dont raise your voice. Dont argue with her, just acknowledge what she is saying. It becomes very hard to continue yelling at someone that isnt yelling back.

[LBSinTX]

Ben,

I did it. She called me to give me an update on my son who's been sick(nothing serious.) I told her that I had something I wanted to say. I said I don't want the divorce. I told her I wouldn't stand in her way and that she has her own decisions to make. She told me she'd made her decision - which I'd expected. She was shocked by my confession. She told me she'd become too dependent and insecure in the relationship and a friend told her she'd never be happy with anyone until she could learn to be happy with herself(I'm wondering if that was coming from or was about OM.) I told her I wanted to keep our family intact but I wasn't advocating working things out now or anytime in the near future and that I'd come to realizations myself with some distance from the situation but didn't go into details. Again, she seemed very surprised. I'm wondering if she feels burdened now that she owns the decision completely, and if there will be resentment as a result. Time will tell. At least I didn't just go quietly away.

[Ben2010]

No you did well. You caught her offguard and you stated your position. You werent mean or cold about it. You just simply told her how you feel about it like an adult who is in control of themselves. She hasnt made up her mind about anything. I do agree that she needs to be happy with herself to be in the right frame of mind to make the right decision here. If she is with OM then I cant imagine her being happy with herself. Everyone has a bit of guilt about things like that even if they are planning on leaving. That is some great friend she has there too...See it has been my experience that those kinds of things work in your favor eventually. Its like when your mom doesnt want you to date someone. She tells you that they are trash or that she doesnt like them, whatever. You end up defending the fact that you are dating them by coming up with all of the things that are good about them. So let the OM tell her that kind of crap. It wont work in his favor in the end. Good job in stating your position here with dignity. It will give her something to think about no matter what she said after.

[LBSinTX]

Thanks for the encouragement. She wasn't angry at all. She just seemed confused and maybe a little nervous.

[Ben2010]

Yeah that is you being in control of the conversation and not letting it get out of hand. This is such a crucial part of dealing with this situation right now. You are the calm one. You are confident in what you are saying. It doesnt mean that you agree with her, but you will listen to her and not argue about it. Like I said it will leave her with something to think about. Meanwhile you should feel better about yourself for handling it that well.

[LBSinTX]

W reached out to me twice on Saturday asking for help. The first I understood but the second I'm certain she could've answered on her own. She called me again regarding the first this morning and I helped her. I texted her a while later about an upcoming birthday party for my son to see if she'd sent out invites. She said no and that she's such a "slacker." She then said about herself "I need to get my s**t together. Just too much stress I can't keep up." Same complaints she had before the separation. My instinct as a husband is to ask if there is anything I can do with regards to the kids to help but she seems to be increasingly needy and I don't want to enable her. The kids are coming to stay with me in 3 days for an entire month. Just looking for advice on how I should respond.