After 11 years my wife has decided to walk away. We’ve been having some challenges over the last few years, but like most others here I was blindsided by this decision. Things became very cold at the end of April and I knew something was wrong. When I asked - I got the news. The last few times we had had serious discussions I asked her to go to counseling. She said that she was seeing a therapist and was working on herself before she could work on us. That should have raised some flags, and in hindsight I see that we needed to be working on us and not just her (future readers – do not make this mistake. Insist on counseling immediately).
I was able to convince her to go to marriage counseling and we had our first session yesterday. I really like the counselor and I feel like she believes that marriage is much better than divorce (she’s been married 40 years). I’m not sure if I will be able to convince my wife to continue counseling or not. In the session she said that she has 1 foot out the door (which is better than 2 feet out and the door closed I guess). I have some hope as things have settled somewhat from the original blow, but she is still clearly thinking about leaving. We have 2 kids (Ds 7 & 9). We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. I really want this to work and I will do whatever I can on my end to try to get back to a better place with her. I told her yesterday that I didn’t want our marriage back, but that I wanted us to get to a higher & better place than we were before. I still love her very much.
I’ve started my 180 and have been making good progress. I’ve started exercising regularly again and am feeling better and losing weight (I’m not that heavy anyway). I’ve changed my attitude and behaviors and I am trying very hard to be the best person that I can. Every day when I wake up, I tell myself “This is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you going to do today to be the best that you can and make yourself a better husband, father, son, brother, employee, coworker, and friend?” I’m working on the GAL part. So much of my life has been tied to my family that the GAL part is going to be the hardest aspect for me.
I know that she needs some distance now and I am trying to determine how to provide that without being too far. I want to stay near my kids at the very least. We’ve had preliminary discussions right after she dropped the bomb about separation. I have an appt. w/ my attorney tomorrow to draft a separation agreement (just in case it’s needed). Although we could do it, it would be a stretch for either of us to pay the mortgage & utilities alone or to contribute to the cause while also paying for a separate apartment. I have family nearby that I could stay with rent free which would allow me to save some money for future use and still make a contribution to the cause, but I have some issues surrounding that idea as well.
I am seeking some advice on 2 issues: 1) With regards to space – Should we be sleeping in separate beds? I don’t know how much distance is needed and I’m not sure if there is a way to provide that distance while still being in the same house. A concern is that it would be much harder to work through some of this if we are not under the same roof. I am wondering if moving out of our bedroom into the guest bedroom would help things. I am somewhat afraid to ask how much space she wants for fear that the answer will be to separate.
2) I am trying to keep this from getting ugly, but frankly I’m not that interested in leaving our house if she is the one that wants the separation/divorce (even more so if she won’t at least try to work on it). I don’t think that she can maintain the house by herself w/ regards to general maintenance and upkeep and I would be worried that it would not be in prime condition to sell if we do get a divorce next year. Should I tell her that she has to move out and still contribute? I don’t want my kids to have to be displaced and would like to keep them in the house (they are going to have a hard enough time with all of this without having to move), but I would suspect that she would try to keep them with her wherever she is. I don’t like the thought of this, but if I leave the house, I would have to have some sort of separation agreement in place as I would be leaving all of my possessions except a few things still in the house and may need access from time to time. (I hate the thought of having to treat my marriage, kids, and relationship like they are pieces of property that can be signed away and I feel like this would seem like one step closer to signing divorce papers to her.) Any suggestions here would be great?
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Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
You don't give much info with regards to what your difficulties in the M have been. What have been her biggest complaints over the years? What changed in April? Was there an arguement? Sounds to me like there may be someone else in the picture giving her the attention that she needs.
Don't think that counseling will change anything for you. It's typically a waste of time and money- the wayward usually just attends to be able to tell friends, family and the kids that she "tried" to save the M. My wife flat out lied to our counsellor for over 9 months, telling her in couples and private sessions that she wasn't in contact with the OM when, in fact, she was.
I recovered my M in a similar situation while living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed- so don't suggest S yet. The best way for her to see your changes is by keeping things as they are for you right now. This will be a long process- take slow, steady, deliberate steps.
I'd like to weigh in on the forced counseling issue as well. My wife reluctantly went to joint counseling, and even a weekend marriage "emergency room" treatment. Her heart was never in it, she had already planned her escape.
I suggest you go to counseling, and learn how it only takes one to change the relationship. Please forget the notion right now that counseling will change anything. I thought the same thing, and thought the sessions were providing "breakthroughs" but as others have noted, this will only give her the opportunity to say "I tried everything!"
Control what you can, which is you. Work on becoming the best you that you can be. What initially attracted your W to you? Are you that same person? What actionable steps can you take to find yourself again?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Welcome mbrando. Sorry you find yourself here, but keep posting.
Have you read DR/DB yet? Have you read the 37 rules in the Newcomers section? That's the starting point.
As far as convincing your W to go to counseling, I don't think that's the way to go. If she's not interested in going, she'll more than likely use it as a springboard to leave. Be careful there.
Regarding space, I don't think I'd leave the MBR (nor the house). If she feels she needs more space, let her move out of the MBR.
So what were the problems in the marriage? What were your W's complaints? What are the things you don't like about your role in the M? What are the things you are working on?
Usually when a woman she says she needs space, she is talking about feeling smothered by the man's attention, emotionally attaching, neediness, dependence, control, over-bearing ways, and sometimes just his physical presence.
If she isn't able to feel like she can breathe, then she usually starts the talk of separation. However, I suggest you try other things first, before you actually move out. And, a lot of men don't leave when they have kids.
Are you familiar with the divorce busting program and how you need to back away from your W to give her space? It is not easy when your emotions are telling you to hold to her tighter, but it's necessary.
What 180's are you doing, and what are you doing to GAL?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
