I am new here and don't have much to advise as I am going through a similar situation but I can attest that it is SO important to keep yourself busy with good friends/family that support you and will keep your mind off things. It has very hard especially when you have been with someone for awhile because you are so used to the routine that includes your spouse.
Hang in there. It will get better. Take a deep breath!
No need to be ashamed as to how you are feeling, it will go in cycles. Remember this all new to you and very raw, it just happened. I'm going on a whole 3 months in my sitch, its not going to be easy or go away any time soon.
I believe they have periods of missing the spouse but remember they have been detaching before the actual time she left. Emotionally it is easier for them, its easier for them to justify in their mind the decision they made. I refuse to believe after three and half years or however many years it may be the WAW never thinks of her spouse and what she left. Feelings don't run away like that.
Try as hard as you can to worry about yourself and your needs, easier said then done but it is what has to be done. Leave her alone, let her be, she is dealing with her own emotions too. She is going thru some battles of her own too. Be the dad of the universe!
I'm far from stable in my sitch but I do know what didn't work. If I knew then what I know now, things would be different without a doubt, looking back on the sitch.
You will make it. At least that is what everyone tells me!!
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
My EX and I were trying to have a baby and had looked at 4 houses to buy 25 days before she told me she filled for D. My EX told me when she came back after leaving on Jan 5. she couldn't wait for things to settle back down so we could have a baby because there was nothing more she wanted then to be a mom. She apologized for being a bad wife and not being more supportive of my job. I could go on and on with things that were said and done by her that would only confuse you and me even more. I was not myself for two months of our marriage due to my new job and the stress of being in a new career. That led me to not being myself and providing for her what always made us great. I have accepted responsibility for my part, it doesn't make things easier, but it is what it is. As I have been told we may never know the reasons behind their actions.
Your fiancé is struggling with her direction it seems to me. I agree it is hard to flip the switch like that, but there is nothing you can do about it. She has to take her own journey, which s&%! for the LBS. My EX recently began snapchatting with my sister. Who knows why? My IC told me it seems like my EX doesn't understand what she has done. She isn't fully aware of what is happening. That may be the case, but only the WAW knows. My EX told me she never felt such a desire to be by herself, hated the concept of marriage, was only going to worry about herself, family and close friends but hopes we get to the point where we can date again. She has rewrote the history of our relationship, which if you have read on the boards, is typical WAW script. Its a crazy time in their lives too, which I know is not something we want to hear but its the case.
I still have hope for my EX and I but I also know I have changed as a person and for the better. I have taken the saying, "be the spouse only a fool would leave" to heart.
When your with your friends practice listening better and validating what they say. before reacting to a sitch see the sitch from the other side. One of my friends told me recently, "if your XW comes back or the next time you enter into a R you will have them so messed up with the new skills you have learned and your old skills you have improved they wont know what to do or think." Personal growth should be a daily goal of all of ours.
Try and take a different road to work. Blast some music and clean the house or areas that she used. It will be hard to do no question but if you make it one minute, then an hour and then a day it may help. I fight urges all the time, trust me, some days I win and some days I lose. Take the good with the bad and keep fighting the good fight.
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
My fiancee left just yesterday with her things. I have implemented LRT and have gone no contact. I honestly have no idea if she will reach out to me or not.
Is there ever a time for me initiate contact? What if she never reaches out to me again? Is it possible that the moment she walked out the door that that would be the last time I would ever see her?
I notice in almost everyone's sitchs, there is at least some contact regarding kids, mortgages etc. I have nothing like that in my sitch (Both of our kids are from previous relationships).
If I am absolutely dark for months on end, how will she see any of the things I am working at changing?
I did register in November last year. My WAW had just come out of rehab for alcohol abuse and we were having issues adjusting with her new sobriety. I never posted anything as things started to balance out.
Since then she quit attending her AA meetings and has become despondent and depressed aka "Dry Drunk". I've done lots of research on this and she fits the description to a "T". I'm hopeful she will use this time to at least see a therapist.
What if she never reaches out to me again? Is it possible that the moment she walked out the door that that would be the last time I would ever see her?
I notice in almost everyone's sitchs, there is at least some contact regarding kids, mortgages etc. I have nothing like that in my sitch (Both of our kids are from previous relationships).
If I am absolutely dark for months on end, how will she see any of the things I am working at changing?
I had this concern as well. The changes you're making or contemplating right now will be because you want to do it for her, to win her back. But truly look at yourself, don't just change for her. What changes do you want to make to be a better person? Have you wanted to volunteer but never did? Get more involved at church? Go to al-anon to understand how to support her? Improve financially? Improve physically? What are YOUR goals, not your plan to win her back. Divorce busting is sometimes just a byproduct of your overall strategy, but what you're really trying to get out of this process that you've been thrust into is to find yourself again and be better than before.
It looks like you were married before, or at least had another relationship with kids from that one. What happened there? Were some of the same issues what you've encountered now? Take an inventory of the parallels between your relationships. What do you do wrong consistently in your relationships that you'd like to alter or change moving forward?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
